A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please can someone offer me some advice? I have never written on any of these chat things before- I don’t even do facebook! But I need an outsider opinion.I have been seeing my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. He is 30 and I am 28. The first couple of years were great, we both talked about marriage and I totally believed he was the one. But he has had a tough time with the recession and has been very stressed, (though his business has improved in the last 6 months and things have been looking up). During this stressful time, he never talked to me about his worries. He blocked me out and if im honest I got insecure. Whenever I talked about our plans, he dismissed them and didn’t want to agree on a plan. In this space of time, 6 of my friends got engaged and yes I admit I have been feeling the pinch. We only see each other at the weekends (as he works really hard all week) and I just want the relationship to move on. Last year we had a break for 3 weeks, as I just reached the end of my teather. After that break we did get on better and I became to understand all his worries. He told me that its not that he doesn’t want to marry me but its just all the extra pressure a wedding would bring. We agreed to concentrate on our relationship, but I always wanted to eventually agree on a plan. As I said before, his business is doing well and things have been looking up. But his effort hasn’t been great. The weekends have turned into me just seeing him on a Saturday night/ Sunday day, and it always is what he wants to do .If I don’t want to go out, it means that I sit in on my own. I love walking and seeing my family but he wont do this stuff with me, as its not his thing. I respect that so I end up just doing these things on my own. I have been feeling very lonely in the relationship. I know I can be my own worst enemy- I can be stubborn and refuse to do some things he wants to just out of principle, more than not really not wanting to do them. I also bottle up things, until I blow. Well last weekend I blew. Again sitting on my own on a Saturday night, I just thought of all the negatives in the relationship and I totally worked myself up. I rang him on Sunday and give off. I asked him to make more effort. He said he didn’t know if he could do that. He said things don’t feel the same. I said if he agreed to more effort, I would work at it too. He said he didn’t want to break up, that he knows I deserve better but just didn’t know if he could give more effort. At this stage, my pride took over and I said that’s not good enough and I wanted to call it a day. We ended the conversation, with a lot of tears and wishing each other the best of luck.Ive been so distraught since- I can hardly function. I cannot stop looking at my phone and I feel sick every morning. Is this really over? I don’t want it to be but I know that I cant go back to what it was. Will he contact me? I know I wont contact him, but I so want him to contact me. Am I being unreasonable? I am dreading Christmas .
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female
reader, metalheadmom  +, writes (9 December 2010):
 Unless some MAJOR things change in his life, there is no way things are ever going to be any better than there were when you broke up. And nothing can ever go BACK to the way the were before all the bad stuff came in and ruined everything.
So, if he is not working on getting his life together with the goal of having more he can give you, it is a waste of your time sitting around dreaming about getting back together. Certainly you can call him, but that will only make you want him more than you already do. Why tease yourself like that. Let it go and move on.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): I'm sorry love it's over. You've already had a break up for 3 weeks, and now again. Simply, if your arguement isn't sorted out quicker than it took to have it, then there just isn't any point. You don't want to do his things, he can't be arsed to see your family.
You were together because it's easier than starting again.
But I would advise to start again. Give yourself a 6 month break from fellas, and have some fun with life. And if that's with a glass of wine with a good book, or dancing your shoes off, be happy. Relationships aren't easy, but they shouldn't have to be worked hard at. Get out, before there is kids!
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (9 December 2010):
3 and a half year relationship you should be seeing each other much more than at just weekends. I'm surprised you have put up with this. His work seems like an excuse. It has to be. I run two businesses myself and they take up a lot of time and energy, but as part of having a healthy balance in life I also maintain good friendships and exercise regularly. But most importantly, I invest in my relationship as much as I believe is necessary for it to continue developing. I am in a one year relationship and just recently we have gone from seeing each other 1 day a week and most of a weekend to seeing each other more frequently and we have started talking about future plans too. Otherwise, what's the point in going out? We've both older and more mature now so we know what we want.
I really think your boyfriend is not putting enough in to your relationship. Perhaps he doesn't value it in the same way you do? Perhaps marriage and all of that is not important to him? You know - I am 30, and I'm starting to see so many women that end up single around my age because they stayed in dead-end relationships for too long and it's sad because they end up single whilst their friends are settling down. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being single, but its sad when some really lovely girl has waited literally years for their partner to change.
As hard as it is, if your boyfriend doesn't see the relationship in the same way then you need to think seriously where you want to be in say, another 3 and a half years. If he aint changed now, when is he ever going to change? Perhaps you need someone who will dedicate more time and energy in to you and your relationship, regardless of how busy their job is?
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