A
female
age
30-35,
*rystal22
writes:Hello everyone. My boyfriend of 2 years has been wanting to go to counseling for awhile, but I don't think its necessary. He is just mad because I haven't looked for a job in the last month. I take 4 classes 2 days a week at a community college so I am always doing homework for school and im trying to catch up on all of my school work so I haven't had much time to look for a job. We keep arguing about this over and over, im getting sick of it. We cant afford to go to a professional counselor anyways but he said that a church counselor would be affordable. Anyways, I don't think we need to go to a counselor for this small issue. He keeps telling me that he is not going to say "either get a job or im going to break up with you" but I think he may be coming to that point. What should I do? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 You want my honest opinion? I think you need to start acting like an adult in a relationship, and stop being a child who wants to have her cake and eat it too. You want to go without a job, then who is paying for you? You're not a child. No one should be supporting you when you're an adult, YOU should be supporting yourself. Now I don't know if you have some form of sweet deal with your parents, but clearly your boyfriend is ready to be an adult while you stay with your parents being taken care of. He's ready to move to the next stage of life. It is a case of you moving on with him, or find yourself a boyfriend who is also being supported by his parents and still living at home (which I guess you are, since there is no way you can pay rent).
The second things is.. well you want a relationship, but not as much as you want a pet. You're not listening to your boyfriend, you don't think he has a right to an opinion, you don't think his troubles are worth the time of day... Okay, you know what? He has a problem with your situation and a problem that is related to your relationship, a problem so big he wants to go to councelling over it. And rather than thinking "wow, this must really bother him, maybe I should do what I can to work through this", you're selfishly thinking "I don't think this is a problem, so I'm not going to deal with it, and he better just get over it".
Look, it's a start that at least you acknowledge that there is a problem, even thought you refuse to admit any part in the problem. But at least it is a start. Now try to listen to him and RESPECT his opinion and his feelings and his right to express them. And try to be a good girlfriend and work on the relationship. There is a problem here! Now you can keep ignoring it like you have so far, and make things go to shit because you're being stubborn, or you can start listening to your boyfriend who is loudly and clearly telling you there is a problem. And then deal with said problem.
But try to at least admit to there being a problem, and the problem isn't that your boyfriend is mental and is making up problems that aren't there. His experiences and feelings are real, and true, and need to be taken just as seriously as when YOU experience a problem. Even if you don't agree, you need to respect that to him this is a problem, and that you are part of the problem, and that you are also thereby part of the solution.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (16 October 2013):
 The real question is who is supporting you? If you live with him and you're not working and he is therefore having to pay for everything on his own, yes, he has every right to be mad and. But if you don't live together and have parents who are supporting you or you have financial aid or loans of some sort, then you have every right to do as you please, as he is not the one having to pay for you.
I'm assuming since he is so frustrated, it is because he is having to pay for everything. In which he is more than justified.
Where there is a will, there is a way. I'm in a master's program full-time and work. I don't have a choice because I have bills I have to pay. There's always time. You just have to be determined enough to find it.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 October 2013):
I'm not saying either of you is right or wrong, but it seems like you're both disregarding each other's feelings. I can tell you from experience that when you start doing that it's only a matter of time before the relationship fails.
If a counselor will help you to see from each other's point of view and help with communication then it's worth going.
By the way, there are almost always subsidized options for those who can't afford a regular full priced therapist.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2013): If you need money, get a part-time job. You need work experience. It there are long gaps between dates of active employment, it may raise the eyebrows of some potential employers. The longer work history you have, the better your chances of finding gainful employment. Your boyfriend has a point. He's using undue pressure, and trying too hard to parent you. A professional counselor is not needed; but I think he is looking for a mediator. if you argue a lot, that's a good enough reason. A church counselor is a good idea. Most often it's free.Someone to referee disagreements,and aid in making compromise. I doubt he wants counseling solely because you aren't looking for work. There are other issues that you may not have mentioned; or refuse to address.You don't explain why he's pressuring you to find work. Are you living together? Maybe he needs your help to share expenses. He may not earn enough on his own to cover all the bills. Maybe he doesn't want to ruin his credit; if there is danger of letting the bills default, or being evicted. That can make getting new credit, or obtaining future housing difficult. Why won't you "compromise" and humor him? That might be his reasoning. It could only help. He offered you an option.
...............................
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 If he thinks you need counselling then you should go. He's not listening to you about why you're not looking for a job. You're not hearing him that it's an important issue for him. If nothing else, it should end the arguing. More to the point, it sounds like there are deeper issues at play here, and an impartial third-party could help you get at them.
...............................
|
