A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Four years ago my fiancee and I got together in a not so good way......his relationship with his wife was going down hill (so he told me) and she was also seeing someone else....at this point we were work colleagues who crossed the line and started to have a bit of fun together. I know now that I shouldn't have done this as it was extremely disrespectful to his ex even if they weren't right and I do feel guilty about this....So a month after we first started seeing each other she left him to go and live with her man and today they have 2 children together....my issue is at the time it was her who left, so in my mind I feel he chose her as being more important to me (yes I know she was his wife but considering all the bad stuff he told me if he really was unhappy he could have left her, not just for me, but to be by himself)My issue is because of this happening I feel that I am second best and that if she had never left we would not be together. He tells me all the time how at the time he wasn't sure of us so hadn't left and tells me not to think of the 'what if's; but for some reason I can't let it go even though we have now bought a house together and he proposed last year.Does any one have any advise as to how I can get over this? I can't seem to forgive myself for how we got together (probably rightly so), but its really getting me down thinking she is better than me and also causes a lot of fights as he doesn't agree with what I sayAny advise would be appreciated :-)
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I read a study somewhere that most times it's the woman who would leave a crumbling relationship. Men tend to stay in bad marriages, because they don't have the kind of support network that women tend to have. We have our girlfriends that we can go crying to. Men don't really go crying to other guys about their problems, at least not in the way we hash out our issues with our girlfriends. This is why female friendships are vital. Anyway, your fiance was probably unsure of his relationship with you at the time and did not want to leave his comfort zone. His wife left instead. It also seems like your fiance is not the kind of man who likes to be alone and is hesitant to try new things, so when his ex left him, he chose another comfort zone, you.
I don't think you were second best. He was probably miserable in his former relationship, but he just didn't have it in him to break off what was familiar to him and try something new. I think it has more to do with his personality. I bet he was relieved when his ex left.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (16 October 2013):
 There really isn't anything you can do, except learn to live with yourself and him. As they say, you can't unscramble the egg, or unring the bell.
You started the relationship by cheating, well he did, and that destroys trust from the onset. If he can lie to his wife, then he can lie ABOUT her to you, and he can easily lie to you. That's why you never date cheaters, and never accept the worthless words about the state of their marriage, because what man would say that his wife is incredible, because that doesn't get women to sleep with him.
As for her being better than you, I can only say that she is nothing to you now that he's not with her.
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