A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, guys.I'm an Asian gay man, 37 year old who's been living in the states for 3 years. And my partner is American guy who's 60 year old, divorced and has 4 grown-up children.I posted some question here about my relationship before. It was about me feeling being treated as a Asian slave by my partner. You could catch up the story with this web address but I must warn you, it's kinda long. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/the-way-he-treats-me-makes-me-feel.html3 people gave me nice answers which helped me a lot to think-Thanks you guys for that. But I still can't get out of the fact that he is discriminating against me. For example, he only cooks for his family and sometimes for his friends but not for me ever. Lately, I realized that he will never cook for me. No matter how I cook for him or not, how I spend money for him or not and how I nice to him or not, he will be same. And today, I've got this idea which I think it may be true, "HE MAY FEEL SORRY TO HIS FAMILY IF HE TRIES TO BE NICE TO ME." I could kinda understand because I also usually do that. I mean, I try not to spend more money to my friends than to my boyfriend. I don't call "everyone" but I'm sure many people will do same to make themselves feel good or to make their loving ones feel better. I can understand if my guy loves his children most. So, I try to think this situation as a pretty normal thing. But I'm pretty sure he will continue his discrimination against me until he dies. So, I've decided that I will never meet his family or friends. Because I feel bad if I have dinner with his family when he cooks. Literally, "It's not for me." so it doesn't feel right. But on the other hand, it doesn't feel good. I mean, it doesn't seem like a healthy relationship if I try to avoid his family and friends so I'm feeling that I’m wrong and further more, it might be one of signs of my relationship falling apart...Could you guys tell me, Is my idea avoiding my partner's family is a good idea or normal? Is my relationship unhealthy if I do that? Or is this one of signs of my relationship falling apart? Please give me your honest opinion and help me!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): This man is side-lining you and clearly wants you to get the message. maybe your instinct is right. your realtionship is nearing the end. there is a huge age gap bet you two. i would say try talking to him but i think he is too set in his ways. maybe you need to start investing in yourself and looking at alternatives for when the relationship really frizzles out.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): If you stay with this man you may end up depressed, if you aren't already now. He is a self-centred man, and he would treat his family the same as you, you only see the good side, he'd be change-able. He does things for others to make himself feel good. He's not doing much for you because that's who he is, it's about him. Besides, he is already doing enough he thinks, such as being in your company.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): You seem to feel you are getting the short end of the stick and you're not happy. He sounds like he doesn't like you that much because he takes you for granted and makes you feel like a slave. Therefore, please, ditch this 60 yr old selfish guy and go find someone else that will be into you 100%. You can't make what isn't there a reality no matter how much you complain about it. You know already this guy won't change for you so it's time for you to make drastic decisions and don't turn back. I think your guy despises you.
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (14 August 2009):
One of the joys of a relationship is sharing your lives together, and each others families should be a part of that. Cutting yourself off from that sounds very unhealthy to me.
It is natural to an extent that he should treat his family different to the ways he treats you though. After all, you are his partner not his child. But different should not mean treat you less well.
Clearly he was married, so at one time considered himself straight or at least bi-sexual. His attitude towards cooking sounds similar to many mens of his age - in other words it is his "wifes" job to do it.
He could be having difficulty changing such attitudes, while you are searching for a more equal partnership. To make matters worse he is expecting you to act like his wife on some occasions and like his male partner on others - no wonder you end up feel used!
You need to decide what role it is that you want to have in your relationship and set boundaries with him. He needs to understand what you expect from him too.
If your expectations don't meet, and neither of you are happy compromising, then that would suggest that the relationship has run it's course and it is time to move on.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (14 August 2009):
I'am no expert but it seems to me that your relationship has alot of problems that you need to address. 1st if you aren't being shown any respect and your not getting anything out of the relationship then you need let him go. 2nd If you are not getting the same respect you are giving. 3rd If you are getting treated like a cash box instead of a partner. If you answer all these questions and you are not getting these things then yes you need to leave his old ass and forget about his kids. But now if you are planning on staying with him then you need to make a effort to become part of the family so that you can co exist with them all. He sounds like he is not a good bf so why do you stay with him if you aren't getting anything out of it.
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