A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I split up 9 months ago but remained friends. Our friendship was a little odd, we had sex a couple of times at the beginning, we still held hands, cuddled but didn't spend as much time together. We would then go a period of duration where we wouldn't speak then we would become close again. She admitted there was something still between us but then next says she is over me but still loves me. Since, we have slept in the same bed again, showered together and we text day and night again, see one another and kiss like normal but she insists she doesn't want to be with me...is this normal for couples after being together for 8 years? And where is this going, do couples get back together, is she unsure, is she messing with me?
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female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 There is a reason why the two of you broke up, surely. I think that she still bears this in mind and is cognisant of the fact. It actually more often than you think. Your relationship is what was familiar, it was safe, she knows you, you know her, it doesn't take too much effort and with the title removed it's convenient. It isn't likely that she wants an actual relationship. You do though. So with that being said, you have some choices to make. Are you okay being there whenever she needs you minus the commitment? I think it's always risky to remain friends with someone that you've actually loved. Our minds automatically go back to all of the good memories and can sometimes trick us into thinking that we've made a huge mistake in ending things but you need to realise that whatever issues existed before, that caused the break up, were very real.
If your desires match hers, by all means, continue. However, if you want a relationship, you will have to break all contact with her and try your best to move on from what was.
Disregard her feelings for a second and try to figure out what it is that you want regardless of the games that she's playing.
A
female
reader, AddisonMae  +, writes (5 October 2019):
I don't understand why she's doing that either
Maybe she likes the sex and romance but doesn't want to be committed? But she doesn't want to lose you as a friend?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2019): People sometimes form an addiction to each other. For all practical purposes, the dynamics of their lives and relationship to each other has changed. Yet they haven't. They just behave just long enough to get an emotional-fix; then they drift apart again. They form a cycle or pattern. Never moving on, and dragging a dead relationship around like a ball and chain.
There are different reasons or motivations behind it. Sometimes people cling to the past, and the one with whom it was once shared. There may be financial reasons. There may be an enslaving co-dependency that is difficult to sever. There is sometimes selfishness. Possessiveness, or a powerful a territorial-attachment; where some people just can't bear the thought of their partner moving on, and finding happiness with someone else. Although they don't really want them anymore; accepting the idea that someone else could give them the joy they couldn't provide, is just unthinkable. They just linger there, or revisit ever so often. Coming and going like a common cold. Subsiding when the fever breaks. They just want to weaken you and keep you living on-hold.
I think you really need to move on. I think you have an addiction to each other; but whatever broke the relationship is irreparable. I think there is some selfishness on her part; to keep you in limbo, until she has found someone suitable to replace you. Able to make her feel safe and secure. Until then, she doesn't want you to get to that place first, with another woman. Meaning, becoming the guy you weren't for her for somebody else. Her search thus far has been unsuccessful. You're broken-in and predictable. You'll do in a pinch. A backup!
Reconciliations don't work until whatever broke the relationship has been repaired. "Both" people in the relationship have changed their ways. A new and effective line of communication has been developed that wasn't there before. The missing-ingredients of compromise, trust, faithfulness, and fairness are now added to the chemistry that will add durability and endurance. Capable of lasting for the long-haul! It will sometimes buckle or fail; but everybody goes to their battle-stations and take-on the challenge.
The changes made in each person must be permanent; not just for the sake of getting each other back. People don't change overnight. If they do change, the changes may not be what was needed to repair the relationship. They may have changed for the better; but would do better with someone else.
We are sometimes only meant to be together for a set time-period. We learn, we grow, and develop in a way that the person we were with before can no longer be compatible. We outgrow each other; or one of the couple has regressed, until it can never work again.
Holding-on to people in-between other relationships is just selfishness. It's using a person for a crutch, or a stand-in. Babysitting your feelings until someone better comes along.
People will manipulate you and exploit your feelings for their own benefit. Yes, there may be love; but real-love doesn't vacillate. It doesn't flicker like a dying neon light-bulb that just won't burnout. It thrives on trust, and people work through their issues together.
People just can't stand the grief and loneliness after breakup. They'll use each other when their lovelife is flatlining; or when rejection from other people has bruised their ego, or lowered their self-esteem. Go find the person who still carries a torch, to re-energize; then leave them on the curb like a worn-out couch.
Your codependency is stalling your futures. You are both afraid of being alone, and standing in each other's way. You fear the withdrawal of addiction that comes from letting-go.
It's time to move-on, my friend.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2019):
 I think it's kinda "normal" (each relationship is different though).
But for people who aren't WILLING to totally let go of a partner, either because they are SCARED they won't FIND anyone else or ALL the work it takes to build a new relationship from the ground up seems to daunting.
I think NEITHER of you will admit that it's over. So you do the "revolving door" thing with each other.
She doesn't WANT you to move on, so she comes back now an then to keep herself FIRMLY in your heart and mind. And yes, she cares about you, but... she DOESN'T want to BE with you. She just wants ACCESS on occasion.
I don't think she is meaning to mess with you, as I am SURE it messes with her as much as it does with you. However, YOU see her coming back, the yo-yo thing as HOPE for you two making it work, EVENTUALLY. SHE however sees it as an opportunity for intimacy WITHOUT commitment with someone she is thoroughly familiar with. So no big surprises with you.
I think YOU have to decide if you are wanting a yo-yo semi casual thing WITH her or not. IF you want more, you HAVE to realize and ACCEPT that it's NOT going to happen. She wants to be single, or at least NOT commit to YOU, but still get closeness, intimacy, attention, affection from YOU.
IS that what you want? If so... you need to accept that what you have is what it is. It won't change and the LONGER she can "basically" DO as she pleases the LONGER you are stuck in wanting more but never getting it and the LONGER you are wasting chances to meet potential partners who DO want more, WITH YOU.
If you accept that she WILL never BE your long term partner in a relationship and YOU want more, then you need to WISH her well, cut all contact and work on moving on.
Take the time to go through being broken up.
Being friends with an ex CAN work, but not when you totally blur the lines and toss in casual sex. And keeping her around will make ANY new relationships you might have, more complicated and probably... problematic from the "new" partners view and I'd agree with that.
So time to have a think about what you REALLY want for yourself.
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