A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, sorry for the essay in advance!So I am engaged to a man I have been with for 2 years. For context sake he is 12 years my senior, hasn't had a girlfriend in 10 yrs, is known to his friends being laid back and kind, and his father was not very nice to his mother. I had an abusive relationship before this guy which has led me to seek CBT and on antidepressants due to anxiety. He is supportive about this. Since the start of the relationship we have had a rough ride, 3 months in his mother died of cancer. 3 months after that his leg broke and he had to stop his beloved football sport which was a huge part of his social life and had to retrain to walk and surgery. With work issues and stress with that his father dies 10 months after his mum in a horrible way. My partner looked after him every week and I think he distracted him from the pain of his mum and so losing the dad made it even harder. Now, he hates his job. I have actually worked in the same department as him for the last 2 years, which thankfully is changing in 2 weeks as I have moved jobs. Now he is naturally a moody person but obviously with the awful things that has happened he has been stressed to say the least. When he is this way he can be short with me, criticise me, make me feel stupid and makes me cry. He seems a much happier person after he has had his night spliff. My mum and best friend thinks he takes it too much out of me, but I have said over the year the things that have happened are horrible and he just is taking it out on the person that is closest to him. He was sent for counseling but he doesn't speak to them as he isn't ready to. He is hurting so I stay and try and support him best I can. Except, when I try and relax, do my masters or just want to have a chill thing before doing chores or whatever i am 'lazy' I never "do anything". He starts cleaning up and around me telling me I can't use this room or that room. He tells me I am manipulative or playing victim when I cry (I cry when I get stressed and with a full time job, a masters, another job, looking after him when hes down as well as my own anxiety is pretty stressful along with the family issues happening at the moment!). I am childish if I get too happy and giggle a certain way. I suffered from anorexia when I was a teenager and he keeps making me feel guilty if I reach for a treat or a snack as I put on some weight with my antidepressants (like size 12-14 instead of 10-12, it isn't that bad) but he really gets angry with me for it or says about 10 fat jokes or jibs a day. If I tell him it upsets me or if I don't like it I "take things too seriously" or "everything upsets you". I am a happy person, I am bubbly, I am young at heart and I feel like my bubble is constantly being burst at the moment. He gets angry if I change plans, whether it is about something I am doing that day or if I change the room that I wanted to stay in that evening. He is mad when I sneak onto the sofa because he snores and I spend an hour trying to sleep yet he ends up saying "you are not trying hard enough, and whats the point of this if we aren't in the same bed?". When I talk to him he doesn't answer me, if I get to the point I say I want to leave as I can't do this anymore he talks about couple counseling and then says a million sorrys and it is all dandy again...for now, sometimes he blames the fact he is still not used to having a girlfriend (but its been almost 2 yrs....). I understand when he frustrated by the small flat full of clutter and I understand everyone is entitled to get moody...but my CBT session yesterday said the words "Emotional domestic abuse". Now It is hard not to write an essay to try and explain every little thing we do...but my CBT therapist mentioning what I am saying is emotional abuse resonates painfully with me. So my question is...how do I know if this is just stress or am I in a toxic emotionally abusive relationship? Bearing in mind all that has happened in our short relationship. I keep thinking it will get better. But at the same time it is affecting me mentally pretty badly.
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anorexic, best friend, emotionally abusive, engaged Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2019): If you struggle to believe your therapist this might not mean much from me, but I'm a social worker and what you are describing is an emotionally abusive relationship. That will never change. Get out, before it destroys you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2019): It shouldn't matter what a person is going through it never gives them the right to behave that way. Death or bad luck are not excuses for treating a loved one badly.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 October 2019):
 Your therapist is an EXPERT in human behaviours, if they are telling you that he is emotionally abusing you then why are you asking a bunch of unqualified strangers? It is painfully clear that you’re being emotionally abused, no matter what pain or grief someone is going through it doesn’t give them any right to lash out or abuse people. If he can’t deal with what he is going through on his own then he needs to seek the appropriate help.
Now I have no issues with people taking ‘recreational’ drugs, if that’s what somebody wants to do with their life then so be it, but when it becomes a dependent, THEN it is a big problem. Him needing a spliff to experience happiness is a real slippery slope and he won’t get out of that habit unless he gets help. The last thing you need on top of an abusive relationship is a partner addicted to drugs.
He is a negative person, he hates to see you happy because he can’t feel that way. It’s sad, but it’s true. It’s understandable what he’s feeling of course he’s lost his parents in a very short space of time, anybody would be devastated, but for him to take it out on you? Nothing you do is ever right etc etc, really isn’t the way to deal with things. You’re the closest thing to him right now and he’s treating you like shit, where’s the logic in that? You can do better than this and you know you can.
As honeypie said we all have our bad, stressful days but I would NEVER even consider insulting my GF no matter how angry or overwhelmed I was. That’s not okay on any level.
My advice, get out. Nobody deserves to be treated like this and unless he gets help things will never change. What happened isn’t your fault so don’t let him treat you like it is, for your own mental state, get out! Let him soak in his pool of self pity but please don’t let him drag you down with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 While I think abuse gets tossed around a lot these days for ANYTHING, I DO agree with your therapist that this IS abusive behavior.
He seems to always "be right", wanting full control over everything including you and IF you do something HE hasn't "approved" you get heaped with fat jokes or chastised (lazy for taking a break or whatnot). I am sorry his parents died. That is SAD. I get it, but THAT doesn't ENTITLE him to take his grief, boredom, upset or stress out on you. YOU are NOT his verbal punching bag. You are his GF, his partner.
I know last week someone pointed out that I ALWAYS advice people to end the relationship. And usually BY the time people ask for advice the relationship is either already "dead" or toxic, or JUST not working. So all we can do is CONFIRM what the OP (in this case you) are already thinking. That the relationship is REALLY toxic and healthy for you.
HE isn't ready for counseling, which means HE isn't really interested (or ready) to BE a better man and partner for HIMSELF and for you. He rather be this rude, snarky and cruel guy. And using his grief as an excuse.
YOU on the other hand seem to have a LOT on your plate, with work, school, HIM and therapy.
Your therapy will not be as efficient and help you, if you ALLOW yourself to STAY in another unhealthy relationship.
You think things will get better because you HOPE he will CHANGE. He isn't going to change unless HE wants to and HE puts in the work to do so. And apparently HE isn't ready for that. (or rather, I think, willing).
You ask HOW can tell stress from abuse.
I'd say stress can manifest in many ways BUT when it gets to be "personal attacks - like you weight or being lazy" it's not a health way to deal with stress and NO MATTER what YOU do or say.... YOU can not CHANGE him or what HE does.
My husband can come home and be stressed from drama at work and he might be pissy, but it NEVER becomes personal. He might be annoyed with the kids, but it NEVER becomes personal. If he needs to vent about stuff, I will listen. If he asks what I think I will add my 2 cents. In over 20 years of marriage he has NEVER called me names or tried to put me down.
He doesn't suggest CHANGE (in his behavior) until YOU say, I'm done it's over. And then it will be good a little while (while he FAKES being a good partner) and then he goes back to WHO he is and becomes snarky and verbally abusive.
IT IS NOT your fault his parents passed away. IT IS NOT your fault he can no longer play football. IT IS NOT your fault he is unhappy with his job... SO why are you the one who has to take "all the blame" for his frustration about that?
*hint* you shouldn't be!
YOU need to put yourself first, not him. YOU can not walk on eggshells in hopes that it will stop him from being a dick.
A GOOD partner is someone who bring out the BEST in you. Who will invest as much as you do in the relationship. Who will support you as much as you support him.
I don't think you should DEBATE him about ending it, I think you should tell him then FIND another place (if the place was his first) and move out.
YOU can not BUILD a relationship on his potential to be a great guy. IF he isn't one right now (and yes, I get that he has been through some hard times) and isn't looking to IMPROVE himself, then you have to remember that MARRIAGE will NOT change him either. He can't do counseling now, that won't change.
Honestly, OP
I think you deserve SO much better than what you are getting from him.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 October 2019):
 As someone who has had my fair share of ill health and emotional issues, I can tell you that this situation that you've described is in fact, very toxic and abusive. It can creep up on you and when you try to take a stand or express your dissatisfaction, you will be made to feel as if you're the one in the wrong. I get it. This isn't healthy for you and it's making you ill. He accuses you of not being all in just because you moved out of the bed in order to get some sleep but you're sacrificing your peace of mind and your health in order to make this relationship with this guy work. The topic of counseling can turn into a real song after a while when no effort is made. I understand that he's had a tough year and that he is going through a lot but he is putting way too much on you. It seems as though you've really been trying while also trying to juggle your own very busy and very demanding life and goals while trying your best to support and be there for him. It's either you guys go to counseling very soon with both of you onboard or the two of you won't last. The third alternative is that you stay and have your health and self esteem chipped away each day until you're no longer able to deal with even just your daily tasks. I applaud you for being able to make it through the hardships that you've faced. For that, you should be proud of yourself. With that being said, don't let anyone steal your joy or take you steps backwards after you've been able to take giant leaps forward. A serious conversation needs to be had wherein you address the issues and offer resolutions. Based on the outcome of that conversation, you need to establish what your next steps will be. Consider yourself as well when making decisions with regards to this. You cannot afford for your health to take a nose dive. Happiness over history.
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