A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i posted on here last week and am looking for some new follow up answers. the girl i've been dating for the past two months had her grandfather get sick and put in the hospital. they were incredibly close, and she immediately shut me out and told me she no longer had time for the relationship and just could focus on him and only him. that we were over and done and could just be friends but that was it for the time being because she had no emotional energy left over for a relationship.this was really hard for me because i just wanted to be there for her, and i'd never been with someone who handled things like that before. i've never been with someone who shuts me out completely like that. i tried to be her rock and be anything she needed, but she legitimately just wanted me to leave her alone, which hurt extremely bad because i really care a lot about her. i expressed that it hurt me because i wanted to help, and she told me i was being selfish and making her worry about us at a time she didn't want to have to worry about anything else but her grandpa. so i apologized and told her i'd just be there whenever she needed. i left her alone completely after that.well randomly, after not talking and leaving her alone, a few nights later, she calls me sobbing and talks to me about how he's not doing well and may not make it. i put everything aside, and just listened and was there for her. we talked for about an hour on the phone and then continued to text each other until four am. in that span of time, we talked about us and our relationship. we basically talked like we were back together. she even told me she'd try really hard not to shut me out anymore. i felt like we'd basically gotten back together and made progress in the right direction. basically that she'd let me into her life more. well after that night, i didn't hear from her for three more days. it really confused me and messed with my head. i didn't know where we stood or what was going on with her grandpa or anything. and it upset me because we'd just had that long talk and she'd promised not to shut me out anymore. i sent her a message this afternoon just asking as tactfully as possible about the status of us since we hadn't spoken in days and since she'd last told me she wouldn't shut me out anymore. she told me we were just friends. i was a little thrown off guard considering the nature of our last conversation, and told her that the last time we had spoken had really confused me because i thought things were going to be different and she'd let me in more, but that okay, if she just needed me to be her friend, i'd be the best friend i could possibly be to her during her time of need. about an hour later, she texted me back telling me that i didn't deserve to know, but that her grandpa died that next morning after we had stayed up late talking. and i hadn't heard from her because she didn't have time and she didn't want to talk about it. she also said she didn't want to be my friend or anything with me because she'd asked for space and i didn't give it to her. i just responded by saying i'm sorry for your loss and i'm sorry you feel that way. i didn't know what else to say.i tried really hard to be supportive. i was there when she needed to talk, etc. and in my opinion, i just asked a simple clarifying question about us so i could know. i did the best i could for her and put my emotions aside as best i knew how. i guess i just wanted advice or opinions on whether this is all my fault or if maybe she's just taking her anger out on me. opinions and thoughts needed. please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): No offense but ur gf exhibits bipolar type traits. My ex gf had the exact same problem n I was hurt and confused n each time I tried moving on she'd crawl bk into my life again only to complete the hurt she begin in me. She really wasn't aware of hurting me, all she could do was focus on her issues. Even if she isn't bipolar or mentally troubled u should still leave this one alone for good and let it go. She isn't emotionally stable and can't offer u much. Ur being neglected n the real problem is she doesn't seem to notice, its not that she don't care, she don't notice. Please get the hell out of ur current debacle, you'll feel a lot better emotionally bc someone can and will acknowledge u and be there for u beyond what u can ask. FYI until u get into a relationship u will be sweet on her, running to her aide to kiss her wounds. Pull away subtly and date make friends ecetera.....enjoy ur young life and move on without her. You've totally tried.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Fault is a big word and I would not use it, but I suspect you may be one of those nice guys that in all their well meant niceness are all about " me me me ". A bit like the old joke with the Boy Scout, who helps the old lady cross the street ... only the old lady did not want to cross the street to begin with.
She told you, and told you again, she needed space, she needed to hole up somewhere to deal with her stress and grief by herself , that's HER way of dealing with stuff, you may not approve it ,you may not understand it, but, either you respect it, or you change girl !
She promised not to shut you off again... but here we should debate what shutting off means. I don't think going incommunicado for 3 days when you have a loved one in agony at the hospital is shutting off. Do you think that people really needs to discuss the status of tehir relationship and what they have to do to improve it etc..- while someone they love is close to die ? Heck no. There's a time for everything, " ubi major minor cessat " " where ther's something major going on, all minor things come to a stop ". Relationships are important- and death is MORE important, so it would have been a smarter choice not to push the issue and let her be.
Now, she's not handling it well too, her reaction is unduly harsh, and unnecessarily highstrung, and that's maybe the stress, and I hope soon you'll patch things up .
But for the future , remember : 1) it's not all about you
2 ) when a lady says something, listen- and take it at face value, not all girls like to play games, many in fact
say what they mean and mean what they say.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Her emotions are all over the place at the moment. I guess she knew that her grandpa was not doing so good and she spent all of her time thinking about him and not realising how it was effecting you. Yes she shut you out but with you asking her where you where both heading it annoyed her as in her mind all she could think about was that her grandfather had just died. It was just wrong timing and I guess this is just her way of handling herself when she is upset. Everyone acts different.
My best advice to you now is not to contact her. Let her come to terms with the fact that her grandpa is dead. If she wants your support she will contact you. I know you want to be there for her but maybe she just needs space. So I think that is something that you need to offer her at the moment.
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