A
male
age
51-59,
*GOne
writes:Im feeling very anxious in my current relationship. I have been with this girl about 2 years now and all can be pretty well in the main.We were both single before we met but had previous relationships in the past. We went through the conversations of past relationships which can be a difficult subject to discuss.Anyway, through these discussions she said that her marriage failed because of infidelity on her husbands part but she was not happy anyway. Since then she had an on off relationship with a guy who at first she liked but he would never let go and she always seemed to get back with her that would last a few more months before they split up.My issues surrounds on one of the breakups from this guy she started dating a bloke who finished with his then girlfriend to start seeing my girl. This was after she told him she liked him. This relationship as was described to me was a whirlwind. Anyhow, this lasting about 3 months until he went back to his girlfriend after she got wind of his new relationship. This hurt my girlfriend and it took her a few months to get over him. After this she got back with her one off boyfriend until about year before meetin me. She has dated other guys since too.My problem is I dont know sometimes whether she is really over this guy but she says she is and would not be interested in the future. She is an attractive girl and one of her friends told me she gets asked out a lot. This has all hit my insecurities and sometimes I think about if this guy became free would she still be interested.I know she is happy with me as she has now moved in with me and talks of the future alot but I some how cannot stop thinking the worst may happen to me and she has not really got over this guy.We are both 39 and not young pups but as I was burnt like this in a preivous relationship a long time ago it feels like I am carrying baggage from that.
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male
reader, MGOne +, writes (25 June 2010):
MGOne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for those good replys. I know this is my issue and all in my mind but sometimes I just think about this issue sometimes and it does worry me.
I think it is because you like and enjoy someone so much that it is sometimes scary that they would up a leave for someone else. I know going back to someone is not always the same.
I know she has strong feelings for me. We have both been very open and honest about each others past. I think that is where the insecurities have started. We were out having a chat a couple of weeks ago and I brought this subject up again! She said that the relationship with him ended to soon - this I did not understand - although she did counter this by saying later that she meant she did not get time to know him properly.
She has seen him since a year before she met me and she said that she was talking to him but she had no feelings for him. She said she never loved him but really liked him but it was gone now. We also bumped into a lad that was friends of his when we were out once and he said that he talks about her a lot. I was not happy with this but she said it is still nice to know that someone stills thinks of you.
I think she has put these insecurities into my head. intially, I think it is the mind games that are played in the beginning of relationships to get a reaction. I know this is my problem and I hope it goes away.
I did also have one or two issues at the beginning of the relationship with her past. She has not been with that many less the 10 but she was single and still had an ex and someone she briefly saw texting which gave me some insecurities. Also she mentioned that another lad prior to us meeting was very interested and she would have gone out with him if he would have asked. She has said that she is not interested now and he had his chance but she is with me now.
I will also mention that we have a baby together now and we are both really over joyed about this and this worries me also that this situation could be removed from me. I think I am over reacting but this stems from being hurt like this in the past I think.
I do agree that if she ever left then she was not good enough for me but this always seems the easier mind option that helps you through these situations.
This guy also went back to his girlfriend and within a couple of months got his girlfriend pregnant. What she did say prior to this is that initially after the split he would not let go and kept in touch and she was hoping that he owuld have said that he made a mistake and that she would have gone back. These thoughts all add to my insecurities.
A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (24 June 2010):
 Hi. I know where you are coming from. I aquired my partner by default, much as you did yours. Someone, somewhere didnt want them enough. It broke their hearts but now we've got them. Isnt that true of half the relationships on the planet though? I didnt get burnt as you did. But even so, i was convinced if my partner was ever offered a second chance with his ex...he would be off like a long dog! And they didnt have a short fling either. It was a 15 year marriage with 4 children. And he loved her. If she hadnt cheated and left him, i would never have met him. You cant imagine the insecurities i had! They were in constant contact because of the children day and night. For that read...they constantly fought over their broken relationship... for 2 years after they broke up. Somehow in the middle of the mayhem he convinced me i was the one for him, so i stuck it out. But i constantly worried. Then strangely enough, i read something on here from an agony aunt. She was replying to someones question on a similar subject to yours. She said she too used to worry that her partner might hanker after his ex, until one day she realised something! She was the best partner he would ever have. She loved him more than anyone else ever could. Treated him better than anyone else would...and he was very lucky to have her. And IF he couldnt see that and he left...then clearly he wasnt good enough for her. I thought that was a magnificent way to look at things and i pass on those thoughts to you x
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (24 June 2010):
 You were devastated in a past relationship. Are YOU over the girl who hurt you? I presume the answer is yes….
Until you have CLEAR SIGNS that this girl has feelings for the man in the past; until he calls and she talks on the phone with him or they are texting back and forth, etc... you must assume this is your baggage.
She deserves trust unless she's given you reason to doubt her.
Stop asking about the past boyfriend. He is the past and YOU are future. This beautiful woman is asked out all the time and she still chooses you. Enjoy it and be complimented that others appreciate what you have.
Good luck.
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