A
female
age
41-50,
*endy2012
writes:I was dating this man and I should say I really had a bad time with him. He used to call me names, too busy for me, wanted me to plead for sex with him, would never say he wants to see me, and NEVA visited me if I DID NOT PICK HIM UP AND DRIVE HIM BACK ( I was driving and he wasn’t). I fell pregnant for him, and he abused me, forcing me to abort, and through confusion, I ended up aborting. I Lost my confidence, got depressed and ended up starting drinking recklessly. I became desperate to ‘’replace my baby’’. I was stupid enough not to leave him cos I loved him so much. Instead, I fell in a terrible trap of cheating on him with a certain man. I fell pregnant for the man I cheated with . I discovered the pregnancy after the lobola was paid. The marriage went on, with me lying that it was hubys baby. Eventually, I told him the truth as I couldn’t continue living a lie. He was depressed, and he cheated on me too during that period. We agreed that we could work things out, but it seems things are not working. I told him that there was no way we could continue with a happy marriage if we do not forgive each other. I was bitter with him, but I tried to work on my resentment. He does not want us to part mostly cos he does not want to come out as a ‘’failure’’, but of late, things are becoming bad for me and am wondering if I should still continue. He is always coming out like he will one day revenge. Whenever we argue, he says he can impregnate a lot of girls at the same time if he wants and only bring the kids when they are old. I also feel like he is cheating as he has unexplained movements, where he would just disappear, and keep his phone off. When I ask him, he comes up with excuses. Am wondering if this marriage is worth saving? We are currently undergoing counselling, but it does not seem to be helping. To me, it looks like this man just want to stick around for the sake of status as a married man, and also the comfort of being with me cos he lives in my house, drives my car, contributes nothing towards my kid (and another niece I keep). Am thinking he is in the process of revenging but without leaving me. Am I right? Am scared of HIV. I have kept the baby away from the real dad, he has become a drunkard and does drugs so my life would just be complicated if I involved him. Please don’t judge me, advise me.
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cheated on me, confidence, depressed, drugs, drunk, married man, period, revenge Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (30 December 2013):
In fairness, you didn't list one remotely positive trait about this guy, or one single reason you should stay. "I love him" doesn't count as some people just fall in love with bad people.
So don't expect anyone to tell you to try and save your marriage. Your marriage, as described here, sounds absolutely terrible.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (30 December 2013):
 No. I do not believe your marriage is worth saving.
OP, you're like a wounded animal leaving a blood trail for every predator in the area to follow. I think you should kick this guy out of your life and enjoy some much needed time on your own.
If you want to be happy and have healthy connections with others you have to give yourself permission to follow your better judgment much sooner. The FIRST time a man crosses the line is the time to deal with it. The first time he calls you obscene names you leave. The first time he hits you or threatens to hit you, you leave. The first time he threatens to cheat on you, you leave. The first time he threatens to leave you, you show him the door. The first time you have a weird feeling and wonder about his character you put some distance between yourself and him.
Feeling good is the product of DOING good.
Don't let bad behaviour become a bad habit.
Everyone does not deserve a second chance and forgiving someone does not mean taking them back.
Life is very simple. There is no need to clutter it up with baggage.
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