A
female
age
41-50,
*759ear
writes:three weeks ago I moved out of my partner's home after being together for 3 years with my son. My reasons being that our relationship had become physically abusive and cold where i felt i couldn't trust myself any longer to be sane around him as we have been mirroring each other's behaviour. Last Thursday he wanted us to stay over and ended up declaring his love for me and making love to me, i felt like i was looking at him behind a glass. I saw the beautiful man he was but i don't trust him. He doesn't call me anymore, everything feels so wrong as he wants me but told me that we can never ever leave together, ive accepted that but believe that i don't want less and feel i ought to let him go. I see him as a friend now.I'm getting strong and learning to be single again. do you think that this guy is a player?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): "do you think that this guy is a player?"Why do you even care when you KNOW he is an abuser?But given that he was able to sweet-talk you back into bed with practically no effort just by telling you exactly what you wanted to hear, then he's probably used similar tactics on needy, insecure, desperate women and very likely is continuing to (or at least attempting to) use them on others behind your back, which would explain the three-week gap before he came crawling back.If you "see him as a friend" then you are merely giving a charming, manipulative, controlling con artist ample opportunity to weasel his way back into your life as well as your bed, and in so doing you are setting a terrible example for your son by teaching him that men are expected to control and abuse women while women are expected to serve as men's doormats.I respectfully and politely but firmly suggest you seek counseling, if not for your sake then for your son's. Your willingness to push the reality of physical abuse aside in order to cling to the fantasy of such an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship suggests to me that you may have long-term, deep-seated issues that have left huge emotional voids in your life that you are desperate to fill any way possible which may put you and your son's safety at risk.You aren't clear, but assume your referring to "my" son means ex is not your baby daddy. In that event is your son's father in the picture, and if so then why does he allow his kid to sleep under the same roof as an abusive boyfriend? A disproportionate number of child abuse cases involve an unrelated adult male who's shacking up with the mother.Sorry, but you need to get your head out of the clouds, smarten up, and start putting your son's interests ahead of romantic daydreams that could potentially compromise your son's safety. Your child should ALWAYS come first, and your train wreck of a love life should be way down on your list of priorities.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 He may be a player.. but what your follow up says is you need boundaries.
WHAT HE WANTS is not the issue OP... the key is WHAT DO YOU WANT... YOU sent the boundaries for YOU.. not to please him.
If He does not agree with your boundaries he has the right to not be involved. Same for you.
For example if a man wants FWB with a woman she is NOT obligated to be his sex partner if she wants more. HER boundaries of having a meaningful relationship trumps his boundary of NSA sex.
SET your boundaries to protect yourself...
Remember you cannot love his POTENTIAL or his past. YOU can and should only love what is in the here and now with this man.
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 Your welcome and I do wish you luck :) I am not sure how much you will be able to pin him down to a concrete committment on where you stand, keeping you on your toes is a mechanism of control but you should aim to know where you stand, as you said, you both would benefit....
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A
female
reader, 2759ear +, writes (31 December 2013):
2759ear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Mr Goodliffe, your honesty is refreshing...I am learning to control and discipline my emotions and feelings I have for my partner. But I want him to tell me what I am to him now, example girlfriend with benefits, friends etc, who knows and what does he want from me and I believe it is essential to set some rules and guidelines, its useless to dream that it is love because im wanting to be practical in having a contract for me and him as concensus adults as we have already lived together, loved each other and hated each other, I am willing to try this change as I feel I would greatly benefit. wish me luck
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A
male
reader, Darrell Goodliffe +, writes (30 December 2013):
I dont know, what you have said here doesnt speak to me as certain evidence he is a player. You did say however there were other reasons for you to end this relationship and those are good enough for you to stay away. What you are really asking is whether he is a good person like you want to believe he is and feel he can be.
The answer is yes he can be that, but he can also be the cold, physically abusive person who you left. Because he is both, and it is perfectly possible for somebody to be both, and this relationship obviously scrambled your feelings and your getting strong again by being single I think you know what the best course is for you. I think you want this person in your life and indeed excluding him completely is probably an exercise in futility and maybe as friends you will find trust in him grows outside the pressure cooker of a relationship. Stay on the course your on for the moment and see where that takes you.
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