A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been married second time round for 2 years, my wife is Jamaican and we met online, we met for the first time in Jamaica on holiday and it was great and had sex 11 times in the first week. She then came over 7 months later after sexy texts, Skype, and wonderful fun and we had sex about 25 times in the three weeks she was here. I then decided to give up my job and move over there with here and was there with her for about 9 weeks before money run out and I had to return home . When I returned home I stayed with my parents for 8 months while I got finances back on track and the relationship continued to prosper, we decided to get married which we had talked about for a while. All was going well and we had a nice wedding in Scotland ,and she returned to Jamaica while the visa was sorted. Three months later she returned and we stayed with my parents for a month before moving into a small studio flat.My wife left a good job in Jamaica and is now cleaning toilets and working at a local shop because she cant get anything else which is very upsetting for her. As time when by arguments appeared and now we don't have sex anymore or very rarely. The last time we had any physical contact was on our aniverery in October which was nearly 9 weeks ago. It may me due to me being a twat or us not getting on I don't know. We don't speak now we never have sex, when I go to kiss her or try to feel her she shuns away, if I try to cuddle her in bed she gets mad , if I try to talk to her she snaps and says sarcastic comments. She used to aswell clean cook wask ect and now al she does after work is wathch laptop .What the hell should I do, is this marrage over, should I just call it a day?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2013): Be the kind of man she would want to have sex with. Get her a better job that restores her dignity. Do the house chores yourself. Do not pressure her into having sex when she is upset and unhappy. If she wont even talk to you whybwould you even try to kiss her or cuddle her? That is rude becaise it is imposing your physical contact on someone who showed they do not even want a more distant level of contact.
If you were not wanting to have any responsibility in a relationship and you only wanted to be a "fair weather husband" who gets lots of sex when times are good and she is relaxed and happy to have sex, then don't be married anymore.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (29 November 2013):
 I read your question and it immediately sat badly with me since you mentioned how often you had sex with her in a period of time, and it was precise like you keep track of it. HOW often you have sex is not a good way to determine if a relationship is a good relationship.
Your wife has moved from her home country to yours. Does she have any local friends? She quit her good life and her good job and came to be with you to SCRUB toilets and you whine because you can’t get laid? WOW.
Your wife is depressed. Has she had a medical workup to make sure that her depression (cause it sounds like she’s depressed with good cause) is not physical in nature?
She used to clean, cook, wash etc… gawd what do YOU do to make the household run properly?
DO YOU LOVE YOUR WIFE? if yes... get some counseling for both of you... get her properly medicated as needed and work to build good communication skills with your wife.
The fact that your wife gave up her entire life and moved to be with you seems to NOT bother you at all… all you seem to care about is not getting laid, and not having your cooking cleaning and washing done… and because you are not getting those things you are ready to give up?
I suggest you ask your wife what she wants… she may want out as badly as you do.. she can go home and rebuild her life without a man who expects a servant.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2013): Men such as yourself may use sex as a way to escape life's difficulties temporarily, but most women cannot feel sexual desire if their minds are plagued by anxieties. Your wife is very depressed and is not enjoying life. Therefore, sex is the last thing she is interested in. To her it is just not even on the radar when there are so many more urgent matters unresolved. Do something to make her life easier, without expectation of getting sex in return. If you can do that then it means you actually love her. And it demonstrates that you are a true husband - a provider and protector - rather than just out to use her body for your pleasure. Then if her life gets better she may be more inclined to want sex.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 You need to have a good heart to heart talk with her to find out why she is unhappy. Maybe on your day off you could take her for a nice drive up the coast. Stop at a nice restaurant and have a lovely meal, and get some good quality one on one time with one another. The purpose of this excursion is to connect as a couple again, and hopefully to get her to open up about what is bothering her. Now I'm only suggesting this kind of excursion because that's something I would like, but you know your wife best. Do something that she would enjoy and the two of you can have fun together. Don't do this just to get sex. Do it because you care about her and want to make her happy.
I think the key to a successful marriage is a strong friendship. Be her friend. Become her safe haven where she can come to you and open up about her frustrations. When a woman can connect with you emotionally like this, the passion will soon follow.
If there is no friendship, then the marriage will falter.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): Auntyem reads right on target. The honeymoon is over and real life has kicked in. You need to sit down a really talk to each other as well as really listen to each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): Jamaica is a poor country. That's why I am going to question motives of your wife to be with you in a first place. You might tell me, no, no, it was crazy love, but let's face it, your situation is strange a bit. You are a grown man, going to Jamaica for vacation to meet a woman you met online. You fell in love and QUIT YOU JOB???. You must agree with me that this behavour is more suitable for a teenager than a man your age. Then you have crazy sex for a few weeks. And then without a penni return home to stay with mommy and daddy? At your age??It's a very unfortunately typical situation when women from poor countries fell in love with men from more prosperous countries thinking that their life will change after marriage, but the sad fact is that ussualy it's not a fact. In US we have large quantities of marriages when a groom actually never even meets his bride in person, only Skype, and then she comes to US from some Eastern Europian country,pretty flower hoping for a better life, and faces with middle age man who works a regular job, lives in a regular house and frankly can't afford to keep a woman on a certain level of living. She, not speaking a language, all alone in a foreign country, needs to find a job and do what your wife is doing right now. Then , and this repeats itself almost every single time in marriages like this, she learns the language, and being ussualy many years younger starts having her little life where her husband doesn't participate. She makes a few friends here and there, starts going out, meets boys her age, fells in love with one of them, and her old husband is history. And she is gone to live her 20 something years old life with a man who fits. Your wife , you said, had a good job in Jamaica. Now she scrubs toilets. Quite a change for her. First passion is gone, and now she is left with a hard unpleasant job, in a cold country with a husband she hardly knows, and no friends. That's why sex is the last thing on her mind. Women are not like men, if they are kept in misery and poor financial situation , sex is not going to happen. This is how nature intended, it's a woman's job to be sure she has security before she can reproduce. (that's an explanation on a primitive level).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2013): This isn't surprising to me. You didn't know each other very well when you got married. Your relationship was based only on fun (sex). So now when there are hardships you are not close enough to care for each other or understand and support each other. Even now it seems that for you it is still mainly about the sex. Your main concern is that there is no more sex. But how do you expect her to be in the mood for sex when her life here is difficult and disappointing? You seem to have very little understanding of who this woman is. She is probably upset and angry that here she is having a very difficult life and all you care about is having sex. Of course that makes her shun you. Then you are upset at that.Yes I think this marriage is over, because there really wasn't anything substantial there to start with.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 November 2013):
 Maybe her expectations of the marriage have not been met. Maybe she didn't fully understand what life was really going to be like when she moved to another country.
It also seems your relationship was mainly built on sex and passion and maybe lacked attention to really getting to know eachothers personalities over a decent length of time.
It seems you have had lots of distractions...the sex, the moving back and fourth, the wedding, the trying to find jobs. Now the dust has settled, maybe she is not so happy with what she got afterall.
I also wonder if there is a big age gap between you? Because younger women often get bored of an older partner and if there is no long term relationship build up to see if you are truly compatible,love dies quickly and it's easy for them to lose interest and switch off.
You need to talk to her about why she is so down on you and ask her what you both can do to improve things and save your marriage. Even if she had a better job, would that make her more loving and warm towards you?...I kinda doubt it.
If she is unwilling to find solutions with you, then it may be time to call it a day.
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