A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is this love or am I a friend with benefit?My friend told me that all he could be to me was a friend. He told me that he had feelings for me, but that he could not tell me what I wanted to hear. Yet, I never have pressured him to tell me that he loves me. As far as I know, I have not been clingy or needy. Yet, when he is with me, he treats me like there is more there. Constantly holding my hand or touching me in some way. When we have sex, he is intimate with me even after the fact (cuddling and random non-sexual body kisses). In fact, the last time i spent the night, he acted like he was sad to see me go. He has taken me out to several nice places. We don't see each other everyday, but he calls me everyday. We usually see each other every two weeks. There has never been talk of committment.The other day, I saw that he had a profile page on a dating website. I called him to tell him that I saw it and that it was a painful reminder to see that he was looking at dating others, yet I have no right to say anything. He claimed it was there for over a year. He removed it the next day, even though I did not ask him to, I just voiced that I did not like it.How does it sound to you? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (25 February 2011):
 he likes you, he likes to check in regularly to keep you tied emotionally to him to ensure that you remain exclusive to him. He does this by attention to you for a few moments daily. He even keeps you interested by throwing out an occasional carrot by taking you on a date. He's a great lover on the regular but infrequent times he makes love in person to you.
He's an attentive caring lover when you do see him.
He told you at the outset that he could not commit to you. He could be commitment phobic, which i doubt, or he could be married.
If things were different for him in his life I think he could be more committed to you, but he explained that he could not be more right from the start.
So the most likely situation that could be the answer is:
I would not be surprised to find that there are other Miss every two weeks ladies in his life or that he already has a permanent primary relationship for a lady he sees daily.
In his own way he does care about you. And I think he loves being with you as he is attentive and loves being lovely to you when you are together.
But at the deep deep level. Sorry, but he is not IN love with you to make it a more committed relationship than now.
Therefore, yes, you have a FWB relationship.
When a guy is in love he increases his contact over time. He can't get enough of you. He starts seriously taking about being with you 24/7. He starts laying out his real financial situation to show that he is in good shape to be your man. He introduces you to his family, extended family and his friends. He's proud to show you off to work colleagues, because when you are together it is not just about sex. You spend time at his place and your place until pretty soon he suggests you look for an 'our place' together. He also wants to know every thing about his beloved.
He spends languid relaxing times Sunday evening with you, in person, always, as it is the last opportunity to relax before the new week begins. You hang out at various times together over the weekend. You can phone him any time, day or night, and get a 'pleased to hear your voice' tone from him.
He has no secrets he keeps from you.
A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 Quite frankly, I think the term 'friends with benefits' is a cop out, a bunch of crap.
"yet I have no right to say anything." Your feelings give you every "right to say" something if not everything you are feeling and thinking. You're a person. You count. I believe you are in a relationship. I don't know and do not want to speculate what his problems are but I would definitely say you are in a relationship with someone who has some very real and deep-seated personal problems. I wish you all the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): If he's having sex with you but not willing to commit, he's never going to. He may well have feelings for you but not enough to want you as his girlfriend.
When you say about him cuddling you after sex etc... that doesn't mean he has the same feelings you do. Men see sex differently.
I think you need to have a serious discussion about it because you have fallen for him and if you carry on as you are you'll get hurt.
I don't want to be hurtful but it sounds like he's just making excuses as to why he won't take things further. If he's willing to have sex with you without committing to you it shows pretty clearly that that's all he wants.
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