A
female
age
26-29,
*ary12345
writes: I can't say this to anybody I know because it really does sounds so pathetic and I know it shouldn't bother me this much.. So I am 18 years old, and I have never had a proper boyfriend (I.e someone I can connect to ect.). And it is starting to get me really down- I try not to let it bother me because I do have a lot of amazing friends/ family. But the truth is, watching everyone else couple off makes me so down :( it's not just that I haven't found anyone- it's more that nobody wants me. Its really complex in my mind because i dont think i am very ugly- but all of the evidence pionts to the fact that i am, pictures are awfull but when i look in the mirror- i like what i see mostly? I am quite sure that i'm not horrible because i have friends. Plus i still dont want to settle- i need a real connection. If you could maybe give me some advice on how to truly stop this bothering me or on how to proactively go about finding someone it would be so amazing because I am really really lonely- and my confidence is so unbelievably low. Thankyou so so so much xX
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): 18? Shit OP that's just so old, I'm afraid you are destined to be an old cat lady. I mean you only have 60+ years left of life, that's not enough time at all. You only barely have enough time to make a cup of tea and even then you're going to have to go without milk because retrieving that from the fridge is going to take too long.
You may aswell buy tibbles and flufflykins now because it's over.
Okay in all seriousness OP I'm a guy, what have you to offer me? Desperation, loneliness, depression, neediness, zero confidence and warped self image. You sound like great fun, send me your number. I'm sure we'll have a great time while you put too much importance on me, too soon and cling on for dear life while telling me how shit you are. Best dates ever! Actually no, I'll just use you and throw you away. I mean initially I'll try to be nice and play the 'it's not you it's me' card, but when you start crying and begging me for another chance I will have to shag you at least one more time or I'll feel bad.
This is too important to you OP, it affects you too much and unfortunately dating wont fix it either because you'll just mess up (that would be fine as we all do but to you it's too important, it'll be devastating) or be used. I mean dating is already a painful topic for you and you haven't even done it properly yet, imagine how messed up emotionally it'll make you when you actually start dating and it turns out it's not this amazing romantic fantasy you have built up in your head.
While you are this desperate OP, you'll be clingy, you'll worry all the time, you'll be needy, even the slightest thing that doesn't go 100% perfectly it'll be like the end of the world to you, you'll essentially have no fun dating.
You have amazing friends yet somehow you're really lonely? That makes no sense OP, because you haven't even had a boyfriend yet how can miss something you've never had? You're depressed over the fantasy of a boyfriend OP, over the romantic poems you've read, the romance movies you've seen, your friends gushing over their boyfriends when none of that is how it really is. This amazing connection you talk about is rare and it certainly most of the time doesn't happen straight away it takes time and effort to build.
OP the reality of dating is it's not important, it's just another thing that people do. If you're unhappy, then dating isn't going to make you happy. You're putting too much stock in guys to cure you of your unhappiness and we're not going to do that, we eat girls like you for breakfast or you become so overbearing that we can't tolerate it and you then feel even worse.
OP don't listen to anyone who says relationships are amazing, don't pay any attention to movies etc, they're not. They have amazing moments but life is filled with those anyway. We're not your missing piece OP, we're people with needs, desires and plenty of flaws.
If you don't find a way of prioritising other things in life and putting relationships where they belong, just another thing that you do, then you're really just going to have a tough time of it. You see OP you do have all the makings of a cat lady because what cat ladies are is women who put all their faith and trust in love as their saviour in life only to get used and abused, and have their whole life come crashing down because they'd built up their life to mean that relationships were the most important thing. You see cat ladies are bitter, hurt women, they're not women who couldn't get men, they're women who were destroyed by the fact the men they'd been with broke them because they weren't what they expected.
It was too important so they stayed in that abusive relationship, lost all their friends, lost their minds. I mean you're depressed over something you've never experienced, so you're not sad about the thing itself, you're sad about the idea of what it's supposed to be.
OP you're more than just a woman who lives for men, and you need to see that. The way you are now is very unappealing and only to scum bags who want to play hero. OP the most vulnerable thing in this world is a woman who needs to be saved because that kind of woman brings out the worst in men.
Find happiness, find strength, find independence from the idea that you need us and live a good life and we will appear, because you'll have a life we want to share. Right now you have a lot of the wrong things on offer, and most of all OP you have to better to yourself than allow yourself to be unhappy over something literally does not exist in your life and won't until you realize it doesn't actually matter until you are in fact experiencing it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): The best advice I would give, and I only learnt this via hindsight, is the moment you truely stop waiting/looking for it, it'll likely happen for you.I was 17/18 before I had any attention from guys, I went through a phase similar to you and the day I got asked out was such a shock for me because I had stopped putting the useless pressure on myself to 'find' someone.Rest assured that there is nothing wrong with you, from the sounds of it you're likely a friendly, likeable, gracious and good natured person. One of these days (once the guys in your age range mature up a bit) someone's gonna snap you up.Just be careful not to put all your self worth in his hands when you do meet someone. You need to be happy with yourself as a whole first, otherwise you might fall into the trap of relying on someone else to make you feel loved, and obviously you are already loved by friends and family.If you can, try to focus on the positives in your life, it'll happen when you least expect it :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): When you compare your life and what you don't have to other people, the envy will exaggerate the picture. You are focusing on a lot of negative things, and trying to find something to blame; because you don't have a boyfriend.Not having a boyfriend means you're unhappy. WRONG!Not to hurt your feelings; but you aren't ready yet. Things will not fall into place; because you just want a boyfriend to be having a boyfriend. Feelings for someone has to fall in there somewhere first. Stop hiding and be visible. You are pretty. It takes confidence and personality too.You haven't allowed yourself the opportunity to meet someone, and let a connection be ignited. You also have to have a more mature attitude about yourself. Wallowing in pity is not healthy, or fair to yourself. Loving yourself first, makes it easier for others to love you.Love evades and ducks away from people who try too hard to find it. They will search in total frustration. You don't walk out the door, walk down the street, and bump into the love of your life. There's a journey through life, and you happen to meet. It's being in the right place, at the right time. Fate then steps in, and makes a match.That's because it happens when it happens. You can't force it. When your time comes, a guy comes along and a connections is made. That's how nature plans it. You're over eager. You've over-fantasized about love, and what it's like. You want it too badly, because you don't have it. Like a spoiled child demanding candy. That desperation is going to drive you nuts. Chill out!Guys will see neediness in your face, and you'll project a sad aura around you. So they feel awkward approaching you. You really need to just have fun, be a girl, and it will happen as soon as you just relax about it. Stop obsessing on it. So you can give your poor little heart a rest.There are billions of people on this earth. You cannot live a lifetime and never find someone. People who become lonely cat-people want to be. They either gave up, or just like being alone. It's not a curse that has fallen upon them.Be active in your school events. Smile when a cute guy glances your way. Show up at ball games. Get a job where you'll meet a lot of young people.Don't ever believe you're not pretty enough. Attraction sparks between unlikely people. It isn't based solely on looks, there is something else that creates the chemistry. You don't know what he sees through his eyes. Stop letting all your friends see the frustration you have about not having a boyfriend. They will tire of it. You'll lose them. No more dragging your bum around, feeling no one wants you. No one has found you yet, silly girl!Have a positive attitude. Everybody gets a chance, and you will too. You aren't behaving mature and positive enough yet. Just tweak your attitude a little.If a guy did come along, he could be the wrong guy. You will be too eager, and might make a bad choice. He could end up breaking your heart. Less neediness, and you'll be wiser in your choices. You will eventually get your heart-broken; it has to happen to grow and learn. That's what you can expect when you do get a boyfriend. Then you'll wish you never did. So careful what you wish for.Watch it with your self-esteem, people pick up on it when you look down on yourself. It's especially off-putting to boys.
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 Stop trying so hard. You can try to find someone with all you have, and end up causing yourself a detriment in doing so. You can end up missing the guy around the corner because you don't believe he could be that close. I hope that makes sense.
What I would do is to not only say this, but to live it. "I am going to drop my guard and just let nature take it's course. I know that if I do, my connection with be guided into my path. Instead of seeking to find the connection, I choose to open myself up to recognizing the connection when it's in front of me."
Also, in everything that you do, love. When two people meet and truly love one another, that love is not caused by the other, but is rather a manifestation of the love they hold within themselves. And by the way, cat woman's true love was batman, they just couldn't come together because of the different paradigms they existed within.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): The ugly truth? Some of us on this planet are unattractive. I'm 24 years old and have never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship; not by choice, but by design. If you don't have what others are looking for physically, how can you possibly expect them to fall for you? Sure, people will tell you personality is more important, and looks are just used to get the ball rolling, but if your looks aren't sufficient, how can you get others to see your great personality? Sorry if this comes off as harsh, but the truth hurts. I've personally come to accept it and just do what works for me in this life - go where I want, do what I want, see what I want. I used to be preoccupied with relationships and such like you until I began to realize it was a fruitless endeavor. Instead, it's better to just enjoy myself. And the funny thing is, many others who have coupled off, often complain they don't have the freedom I do and wish they could do the stuff I do. My advice? Forget everyone else and what they're doing and instead focus on what you want to do - especially what makes you happy! Cheers!
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