A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am I putting too much pressure on us both?Dear Cupid,After a long distressing relationship and a painful break up with a dead-beat guy about half a year ago now, I finally met someone wonderful who I adore. He's kind, funny and so sweet.He was a virgin when we met, and a few weeks into the relationship we slept together, for me it was wonderful but I get the feeling that, for him, it wasn't quite all he'd built it up to be in his mind. I also have an awkward feeling that he may have rushed himself into it wanting to punch his V plates, despite me saying I'd wait.Now obviously he's new to everything and might be nervous/have low confidence but three months in to the relationship and he never seems to want to sleep with me. If we do engage in sexual activity it's usually only ever foreplay, which I'm starting to find rather dull, and I'm beginning to feel neglected/resent his selfishness in bed. In all other aspects of the relationship I can't fault him, but my frustration is starting to eat at my feelings about us, which I really don't want to happen. I understand he'll need more time to gain in confidence, but I hate having to initiate all the time, it makes me feel SO uncomfortable.How do I approach this topic with him sensitively without hurting his feelings/pride? I have tried, but I don't think I got my message across for fear of hurting him.He's everything I want in a man, I don't want our relationship to sour over early bumps in the road, I would just love to have a healthy sex life and not worry about whether he finds me sexually appealling or not. Do I just need to allow him more time, or do I say something before it becomes a habit for him?Thanks for listening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): Let me get this straight when you say foreplay, is the dynamic what I think it is and you're just giving him head all the time?
OP why would he bother shagging you if you're giving him pleasure like that, pleasure that means he can't shag you even if he wanted to because he'd have to wait until he recovers?
OP not all guys are horny alphas that need to ravage women all the time. You have a virgin here who you've had pretty crap sex with and now instead of showing him the ropes and taking command you just give him head and leave it at that?
Seriously OP? A virgin? He's obviously not a randy teenager who can't keep his hands off you, so you're going to have to take control of this until he learns the ropes.
Maybe this guy is guilty of nothing more than being too respectful OP, if he's your age then that would go a long way to explaining why he was still a virgin too. He's most likely just uncomfortable with sex still.
While talking is an option you obviously fear that he may take it the wrong way and given his inexperience that's more than likely.
Just switch your behaviour OP, become the male in the equation. Take command. Next time you're engaging in foreplay get him hard, get yourself wet then just hop right on. Then roll over onto your back tell him to get on.
You may not know this OP but there are very little things in life more sexy to most of us than a woman just getting herself into position and telling us to get on, or saying something dirty like "time to fuck". When he's doing something well then praise him or let him know through audio cues by exaggerating your moaning slightly, not faking, just to make it obvious to him.
You hit the nail on the head when you said "habit" OP, well you have to train this guy with good habits. Showing him how to do things, asking for specific things and praising him when he's doing well through positive reinforcement, he'll not only get more confidence and experience but you can then start talking to him about how much you'd like to be taken without having to initiate all the time.
If that doesn't succeed then by all means have the talk, but try and make this a natural thing first. Train him.
A
female
reader, shna  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 I always find having sex with your partner opens up a more comfortable door to talk about it ! Even though its never a problem ! Why dont u try talking about things he might want to try or fantasys you know role play ! And in turn you could always say i just want to bean handles i want to be pushed up against the wall and have the sex initiated by you !! Its a difficult subject you know he is a virgin so he has probably been living off porn sights for god knows how many years and has built up his expectation through that !! Every man has to deal with the fact that actual sex and hardcore porn are in no way similar !!
He is your parnter and communication is key to a healthy relationship just open up about your feelings and it could be a great step forward for u guys!!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 He sounds both guilty and has performance anxiety. With this one, don't worry about hurting his feelings, but make the questions open-ended, and do not ask if you're the problem, because you're not. He also may have an issue with you not being a virgin or comparing him to your ex.
Ask him point blank why he isn't interested in having sex with you, and don't wait until you've been turned down to ask. If you've become sexually active, you have a right to have the conversation.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (22 November 2013):
 I don't think he likes sex and that's why he could channel this unused energy into being the almost perfect guy you want, such as being kind and thoughtful. I don't think it has anything to do with your attractiveness. No one is perfect and you have to decide if you could trade sex for other good enduring qualities that are necessary for a long term relationship. I also feel that you have trouble letting go because you wonder what if later on he develops this sexual side. If so how long are you willing to wait? When you suppress this frustration it opens up temptation to other men who remind you what you are missing.
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