A
male
age
36-40,
*urfer93
writes:My ex-girlfriend and I broke up 6 monnths ago. She moves to australia while I moved to LA. We broke up on good terms, but over the past 6 months, she's really hurt me. I expected her to feel the same way I did when i told a few months ago that I didn't want to be with anyone else and wanted to pursue a future with her when she comes back. She responded that while she does loves me, she is not going to do long distance and is enjoying being single. I told her to stop telling me she loved me then. So she just called me yesterday crying saying that she has to make a decision whether or not to come back to the states since she has an opportunity to stay there longer. She told me that while she's been with other people, no one compares to me and that she loves me so much. But she said that if she did come back she'd be giving up everything for the chance to be with me when we're not even sure if its going to work out. One thing that jumped out at me in our convo was that she said she wasn't sure if she could be the girlfriend to someone who travels a lot. My job requires me to be gone for months at a time. I guess this is something we'll have to discuss. Thoughts? Can I trust her after it seems like she was out there looking for something better than me only not to find it. I mean... that doesn't sound like true love to me. However, this would be a huge leap she is taking for me. Thoughts?
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female
reader, smitheroon +, writes (8 March 2010):
 There's something called "distance distortion" going on here and I want you to remember distinctly how you felt when she left you and moved to Australia. Then I want you to remember how she said she can't see herself with someone who travels a lot and how she has also said she's giving up almost everything to come back to you... if she does come back. Distance distortion is the reason couples often remarry (and redivorce) or a dating couple with break up, hook up, break up, and hook up repeatedly. It's easy to get far apart and get sort of a pleasant haze around the utter horror of a relationship.
I only say this from experience - make the break and move on. Your ex isn't a bad person. There are few 'bad' people in this world, but there are quite a bit of selfish and self-centered people and while some might say that everyone is selfish, there are people who are selfish AND mean. It isn't kind to break up with a man, tell him you love him, tell him you love being single, but then call crying about coming back to the states and make implications about what things ought to be like when she moves back.
I firmly believe that you only get one life. I also firmly believe in finding someone who respects you enough to be real with you - someone who has what they say, what they feel, and what they DO all in sync. Does that make sense?
Last, consider what you said: "this would be a huge leap she is taking for me." Make sure you know this is a leap she's taking for you - not for herself. Is she moving back because she loves you? Or is she moving back because her life there isn't working out and no other relationships have worked and she feels desolate and alone? What if she moves back, pressures you into feeling guilty about your job all the time, and then finds a relationship that DOES work out?
Make sure she's not leaping vine to vine and all you are is a branch along the way.
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