A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 17 - 18 in a couple of months. It's taken me a lot of courage to start writing this, because I am very, very embarrassed about what I'm going to say and I feel like such an awful, twisted person. I have always had confidence issues, paranoia issues, feelings of worthlessness and feel I'm never good enough for anyone and people are constantly judging me, and very often I find myself very depressed just wishing I had a different life. But I'm not sure if what I'm going to say now, ties into what I've just said.In the last few years, as I've grown up, I have drifted apart from my dad. When I was younger, he never acted as a dad - he didn't help with homework, or attend any parents evenings and didn't really play the father role. He then had depression, and I believe he has never fully recovered from it, because since his depression 10 years ago, he has completely let himself go. He looks a state, his personal hygeine is shocking, the tiniest, tiniest thing sends him into orbit and he rants and raves constantly. He walks around the house in a terrible mood and he makes the family feel tense. He hasn't worked for 10 years and spends every single day sitting around the house, not even doing work on the house which is in desperate need. I could go on for ages and ages about his problems, but it's got to the point now, where I can't stand him and hate being around him. I don't remember the last time we had a conversation, and if we ever do it's the most awkward thing I could ever experience - we just can't communicate. He does try, by being silly and saying silly things, but I can't stick it. There's also the fact that I've seen him in times of extreme violence so many times, and I've seen him push my mum and throw things at her in arguments, and he's hit me a few times in the past too. That's the basics of our relationship but I could go on and on.Now, I believe that it is down to this lack of a father figure that I have that I have a thing for older men. This started in year 9 at the age of 13/14 when I fell for one of my teachers, and became besotted with him. I took this through to year 10, where I started to fancy more and more teachers and it had got to a point where they controlled my daily routine. I would learn where they would be at what point in the day and I would make sure I was there just to see them. I would walk different ways to lessons because I knew I would pass them. I became obsessed, and it caused me to have a fallout with my best friend. While having all these feelings for these teachers, I also became depressed at night when I was at home and I'd cry and a few times. I remember becoming very close to one teacher, because I was the top student in his subject and he'd give me extra work and wink at me in the corridor and things like that, which made me feel pretty amazing. That teacher then left at the end of the year, causing me to become extremely upset and I remember spending the first week of the summer holiday in tears and didn't eat for about 4 days.The whole teacher thing carried on to year 11, where there became a list of about 10 teachers who I fancied. In truth, I probably didn't even fancy some of them, but they were there to be the authority figure, for me to look at and dream about, wishing they would protect me, probably like a father should, but mine doesn't. These teachers dominated my school life, and it was the discussion everyday with my friends, and the lengths I would go to just to see some of the teachers, or just to talk to them or whatever, was extreme and certain ones were never off my mind. It probably didn't help that one of them found out I liked them, as did the whole year group and it was the hot topic for about 4 months.I then left school and went to college, and the teacher fantasy continued. There's only a few male teachers at college, and I am besotted with 3 of them, even now. I never stop thinking about them, I talk to my friends about them, I stare at them when they walk past and look out for them to walk past too.All the celebrities I like are in their 30s or older, and my favourite age group tends to be mid 40s - I'm known for fancying older men to basically anyone that knows me. When I'm out in public, shopping or something, it's always the middle aged men that catch my eye, and oddly enough, the parents are the most attractive.I fantasise every single day about being loved by an older man and being cared for, and so often just take myself into a day dream. I constantly think about the 3 teachers at college and just think how I would love something to happen and I won't deny that these fantasies are sexual too. I mean it is genuinely constant - I can't get this fantasy out my head, that I just want to be with an older man so much, but the truth is, I've hardly had any proper boyfriends. My first ever kiss was 18 months ago at a party where this guy who liked me and always flirted was dared to kiss me, and so we did, but I haven't kissed anyone since then. I haven't had sex, and feel so pressured to, as all my friends have and I feel so left out as I haven't had sex and feel like I really need to have it soon, even though I know I'm still only young. My college friends think I have had sex, I was too embarrassed to admit that I haven't.Now, here comes the problem which I swear I need help with, and I beg you not to judge me. One of the teachers at college is called Paul (I've not used his real name) and I was once talking to a close friend on MSN who doesn't live local to me, and I mentioned the name Paul, but she had forgotten who he was. So naturally, I told her he was a teacher at college but I took it too far and stupidly told her that not only was he a teacher I fancied, but that we're seeing each other secretly within college. You can imagine she was shocked, and she asked questions, all of which I answered with massive lies. Then for the next few weeks she'd ask me how things were going, and I'd make up stories that had happened and things that we'd said and all sorts, and she believed all of it because I went into so much detail and just seemed to be so good at making these stories up. I should've stopped before it got further and I know that, but it just became too late for me to tell her I made it all up, and in truth, whenever I was telling her about things that had happened, I was taking myself out of my own world and into this fake one where I even believed myself that it was happening and it made me feel good.That was until I'd be at college and see him and realise how none of it was true and this Paul doesn't even know me and I had to remember in reality, I'd made it all up and I wasn't actually seeing this gorgeous teacher and my life wasn't really all that good. In the end I decided it was upsetting me too much and I told my friend that me and Paul were over to stop us talking about it. However, only the other week, she told me she'd met this guy who she'd been talking to online for a few years and she lost her virginity to him, and I got frustrated that yet another friend had had sex and she was probably going to get a boyfriend while little me has just hardly experience and don't have anyone interested in me, and so I stupidly told her that me and Paul are back together. Yes, I'm an idiot and that's why I'm posting here - I want help.Next is even worse than this teacher Paul, and I'm ashamed that I've done this. Last year I spent 6 months working in cancer research doing voluntary work and this has been the basic of this current lie. My 3 best friends at college all have boyfriends and have had sex, and so again I feel left out. So I told my friends about a 36 year old called Paul (this is what I actually said his name was.) who I worked with at cancer research - now this person doesn't even exist, but I made him up and said that we were close friends but he was enagaged. I then had to make the story more realistic so they believed it, so I saved my own mobile number in my phone as 'Paul' and therefore I can text this 'Paul' and the message comes straight back to me and then I delete the message from my sentbox so it looks like I have genuine messages from someone called Paul in my inbox.Then when I want to 'reply', I send another text to 'Paul' (myself) only I delete it from my inbox this time and it stores in my sentbox. Therefore I was able to write out complete conversations between me and this 'Paul' and cos my friends saw the texts, they had every reason to believe it. So this carried on for weeks because I couldn't tell them I'd made it up, and then I claimed he was coming to see me over Christmas and so on the said date in the holiday, I had to stay offline as if I were with him. Then a couple of times I've pretended to be on the phone to him at college (this is how sad it's got) and I've just sent so many texts to myself to create dozens of conversations between me and this Paul which my friends have all seen, and I've made us become closer, and then a few weeks ago I said that he'd called off the engagement with his fiance and then we've got closer.I then told my friends he was coming to see me at the weekend so the weekend just gone I had to be offline all Saturday and my friend was texting me to ask if I was with him and I was texting her to say yes and telling her what we were doing when I was actually sat on my bed watching TV. I can't actually believe how disturbed and twisted I sound as I write this. But over the past 4 months I have made up so many stories about me and this Paul, sent so many texts to myself, faked so many phonecalls and it's becoming so hard to bear now, that I know I'm gonna have to pretend that I'm calming things down with him so I can have a justified reason for not texting anymore. I've told them we are planning to have sex too, just to make me feel better I think, when we're talking about, I feel good and I feel like it's real, but then it hits me and I realise what a massive stupid horrible liar I am and how much trouble this could cause if they ever found out.I don't even know why I do this, but I know it's not normal behaviour, and I must have an obsessive personality, and probably gawd knows what else. I mean it's one thing obsessing over teachers and older men to such an extreme degree, but to make up such lies and live a big pretence, that surely can't be right, can it?I just don't know what the HELL to do, because I am so, so embarrassed about this, and I don't know why it happens or how I can ever cure this.
View related questions:
best friend, christmas, confidence, depressed, fiance, flirt, liar, msn, my teacher, older man, older men, text, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): Hey hun I know how you feel. I am 17 and my father has been absent for most of my life. I only see him like twice a year. When I was about 13 I started taking notice in older men. Men in their 30's, 40's and 50's. At first I thought it was abnormal and I'd grow out of that stage but as I got older it got worse. I would be attracted to my friend's fathers, and some teachers too. I don't want a sugar daddy I just want someone who can guide me and show me right from wrong. Someone who can act as a father in public but behind closed doors be passionate and loving. Sometimes I like to fake text myself too lol it feels in a void for me.
You're not weird and I don't think you're a liar. I actually think we have alot in common. Keep your head up and have faith that everything will be ok. If you truly feel that you need to come clean, then you're friends might not understand right away, but if they truly care about you, they'll forgive you.
Best of luck :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Hi there, it's me who posted the question.
Firstly, thanks everyone for reading - I appreciate it was a very long problem, which I tried to keep short but then I couldn't add all the essential details.
One thing you've all taught me, is that I'm not sick and twisted like I originally described, and perhaps it's down to self issues and things which I cannot control. I had just never experienced this before, and to me it just didn't seem normal and I hated myself for what I was doing. I realise now that there are reasons for it, and I'm not the only one who's done it.
Also, I can't remember who said I write very well, but thank you so much to who said that, because writing is my passion and is what I want to do at uni, so to be told that again, as I have before, really means alot.
But moving onto the subject in hand. I've deleted the texts off my phone from 'Paul' and today whereas in lessons I would normally take my phone out so it looked like I was texting, prompting my friends to ask if it was Paul, I kept my phone in my pocket, and I didn't mention him all day and then if my friends mentioned him, I changed the subject because I really want to get rid of this 'Paul' not only because it's such a big, compulsive lie which is difficult, but it was also upsetting me personally that I had created this amazing man, but he doesn't even exist.
I had a feeling therapy or counselling may be the solution here, but I'm really unsure as to how I go about this. I'm also extremely scared - I can't even imagine myself sitting down and telling someone, a stranger or not, about what's going on and what I've been doing and basically everything I've written. I can write it down, although that was hard enough, but actually initially sitting down and telling someone is something I couldn't do - I know the words wouldn't come out my mouth and I would leave things out. Perhaps I could show them my original post here?
But I don't know what I need to do, whether I need to go to my doctor or whether they have no involvement, and do I need to see a therapist, a counseller or what? This is all very strange to me and something I don't feel comfortable with, but it's something I know I've probably needed for at least a year.
These problems which I've explained are really over-taking my life, and it's all I think about when I'm at college, especially in lessons, where I need to be 100% focused, rather than going off into daydreams about these teachers or whatever. I also realised today, all I want to do is talk about the teachers, and although I don't do that and hold back, if the oppurtunity does arise, say if they walked past, then I grab that oppurtunity.
I know I do need help with this and I want it to end, I'm just unsure how. Thanks again for all the replies.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (9 March 2010):
It will help you to seek the help of a therapist. You can't be diagnosed here ofcourse but its possible that you may have a degree of obsessive compulsive disorder. I really encourage you to talk to a counselor in person. If you feel its too much for you for now, I have noticed that you write pretty well. Why don't you start writing your fantasies? It will be very therapeutic as well to just put your fantasies in writing and read over them. Sometimes this type of self-reflection can be healing too. Perhaps what you write could even be published some day. What happens is that when we experience trauma in our lives, we go to a happy place in our minds that helps us escape the painful reality. So over a long period of time, you have been fantasizing to cope with the situation at home. While it can be normal to do this, if it carries on as it has with you then you do need additional help. The first step is admitting you have a problem as you have here. So welldone for recognizing that you need to change this behaviour. A counselor will be able to give you more tips on how to manage this is future. As for your friends, you don't have to tell them the truth. Just tell them that you have broken up with your guy and that's that. You don't need to tell everyone the whole truth behind it because it will just create gossip and might be painful for you to deal with. All the best.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (9 March 2010):
 I don't have anything to add to what the others have said. I do want to reinforce the comment that you're being waaay too hard on yourself. I invented a fake g/f once to get people off my back -- lots of people have done it. You're not twisted or sick. You are, however, a human being who recognizes a mistake, and who would likely benefit from speaking with a professional counsellor.
For goodness sake, give yourself a break!
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A
female
reader, LifeHurts1126  +, writes (9 March 2010):
It sounds like you have a good imagination that doesnt have an outlet and the situation went too far. do you just work go to school and live? if so then you might want to check about finding a creative outlet. i have thoughts that are similar in the fact that i dream of finding the perfect guy who will protect and love me for me(while in reality i have none of the qualities that the 'guy' has fallen for.). I find that it helps to write fictional short stories, based on what i want(but am not getting) out of life. I dont use real names, and no one has ever read my work, but its helped me through some pretty tough times. i've also been making an effort to get into the social scene more, and get more friends. I think you should try writing. It might make you feel like your stupid at first, but once you start to get into the story line, you might be shocked to find how helpful it is. I really hope you try this as im just exactly like you( but with depression) and it has kept me from doing what you did. Sry that i didnt warn you sooner, though...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2010): Ok, hear it from someone who knows how your minds working...believe me, i did the same thing when i was younger, i did the whole 'text' thing and the whole fake phonecall thing.I made up boyfriends and other friends. But you seem to have taken it further than I did.I got over this by stopping it dead, 'we broke up', 'we don't see each other anymore'. You'll find the less you talk about 'Paul', the less your friends will.This pretty much started through jealousy of my friends being ahead of me when it came to sex etc.Maybe, if you don't understand why you make these things up, if you really don't know why, then you should see someone, being totally honest and talking about these things can really help you get over these things.But don't think theres something wrong with you...vivid imagination and envy can be a dangerous mix
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Hey there honey, i have got to say that is the longest question i have ever read which is cool lol you needed to get out all the detial and also can i just say please please stop calling yourself twisted and other things because i do not care what anyone has to say YOU ARE NOT! Trust me you will not be the only person who has told one lie to make them self feel better or other reasons then before they know it it has gone from one little lie into a big story that has got out of control, and the internet is a big reason for this as it is easy to be anything that you want to be and it is hard for other people to find out you are lying. Well it sounds like you have had a hard time with your dad and i am dorry for you for that, and in my opinion i believe that the behaviour of your father and the relationship that you have had with him has affected the way you view men as it is not usual for a girl your age to look at older men in the way you do, and the fact they are teachers and therefor men that are strong role models reflects this. I think there are a couple of things you need to do, number one is you need to get some counselling to talk about the issues you have as you have been affected by your family and this can impact on you in ways that you may not even realise and someone who is trained in that situation. About the lies to people i dont encourage lying as i think it leads to issues but i think it may be harder for you if you come clean so the best idea i have for you is too tell your friends that everything is other between you and these men and keep the stories to a minimum and try your hardest not to repeat this again, you also have to do your best to make sure the people you have told the story about the teacher do not tell anyone else as that would blow up big time. that is all i can really say on here without talking to you so you can answer if that makes sense hope that helps and if you want to chat about anything i said or anything else send me a personal mailbox message and i will give you an MSN or something. =]
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A
female
reader, sunnycomet +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Have you considered having therapy? It sounds like you have issues that relate back to your father and pretending to have another life is not healthy. Advice that will be given will not fix the problem. I suggest going a therapist.
Good Luck and if you ever need to talk I am here.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Hi there. You judge yourself so harshly and there's no need sweetie. You must be prepared to wrestle with this need to lie though. If left unchecked, one day you may be caught out. These silly lies have very weird and wonderful ways of coming out.I think you've got a lot of self knowledge and good things going for you. Knowing what the problem is is half way to solving it.Please have some faith in the future. I know most of your friends have had sex, and all your lies are about boys. It's ok not to have had sex yet!!!! You're only 18 at the most aren't you? I was only attracted to older guys myself at your age. My first boyfriend was 32 and I was 19. I liked older guys for the same reasons you think you like them. Boys my own age were just that boys. I wanted a man.You don't have to tell any more lies to anyone to be liked and accepted. A nice guy will come along I promise x
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (8 March 2010):
 Poor child! Go the health suite at school, ask for help with a psychologist or a counsellor. You are in a big jam and you cannot get out of yourself. Your problems are undertandable what with your dad and all. Go for help. It will be confidential.
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