A
female
age
41-50,
*ispy1313
writes:Hi AllI am 29 and have been seeing a 20 year old man for 3 months. The problem is when we are together he is so lovely, and tells me how much he likes me and I am amazing etc. However, although he texts me every day the relationship just seems to be going nowhere. In his texts, he never says anything nice about me or shows much interest at all, he hardly ever calls and he seems to have so many new girls adding him on Facebook the whole time. I spend 'a lot' of the time stressing and worrying about what he is thinking, does he actually like me and it is making me very anxious. My last boyfriend cheated on me.... and I don't know if I am carrying negative feelings across from that, and if this is the 'normal' rate some relationships go at, or he is just playing me and it is time to move on....Any advice would be gratefully received...xxxxx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): He's a guy and he's 20, for cryin' out loud. You're lucky he can make cereal for his own breakfast. If you want to be wooed, find a 45-year-old guy. If you want smooth skin and hard abs, enjoy it and try to keep shiny objects and video games away from the bedroom or he might get distracted.
A
female
reader, Wispy1313 +, writes (4 November 2010):
Wispy1313 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey peeps,Thanks so much, I really appreciate your advice. Cerberus, I think you are spot on. He has mentioned he cant really give more than what we have at the moment, and I should realise that. I think its difficult coming from a serious relationship and trying to just enjoy it as a bit of fun, and see what happens from there. I actually don't want anything majorly serious at the moment, but I think I panic because of my ex being such a knob!! lol Caring Guy, I know I should talk to him and maybe the fact I can't says alot about where we are in the relationship as I am too frightened he will think I am getting too serious and run away!! lol Aunt Honesty, yeah I think perhaps I got into another relationship a little too soon and should have given myself more of a break, but I guess the insecurities would have surfaced either way!! I guess I will have to pluck up the courage to have a chat with him about how I am feeling.Thanks again so much for all taking the time to respond, and its a comfort.....xxxxx
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Cerebus does make a good point..You're at the stage of wanting to eventually settle, start a family, you're probably very well established in your career, and have found your niche in life. On the other hand, he is 20 years old, just out of his teens, going to college, trying to find himself, and has yet to find out what the real world is really like.
Ultimately, this is a combo of both his immaturity and your insecurity from your previous relationship. You have to understand not every guy is going to do you like your ex did..there are good guys out there that won't lie or cheat. Start out with trust and giving the benefit of the doubt until they give you a reason to question that trust. That's something you're going to have to overcome on your own and within time.
Honestly, it seems to be he's not certain of what he wants since you're still at "seeing each other" status after 3 months. When it's really time to get out of that gray area. You can either have a serious face to face chat with him, asking him where this is going and what we wants..Or you can just break it off since he is not up to your maturity level, and you may want to give yourself some time to overcome your trust issues and paranoia before jumping into another relationship. You're a smart woman, you can figure it out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): Wispy1313 he's only 20, he's still very young and immature. You have to realize he's in a completely different phase of life. This is most likely just a bit of fun to him.
Where do you expect this relationship to go? He's a free and easy 20 year old, with a different outlook on life, different needs and desires to you. He's nowhere near the stage where he'll want to settle down yet. He's not even the man he's going to be yet, he's still in the process of discovering who he is.
It sounds like he does like you, but seriously his age makes a huge difference, he's just barely out of his teens. Life is still one big party and journey of self discovery for him. You're probably past all that at your age. You might be expecting something from him that he just can't give you. If you're expecting to have an adult relationship with a guy that hasn't even hit 21 yet then you're going to be very disappointed. You want things to progress but he's just happy with things the way they are.
I hate to say it to you OP, but the age difference makes a big deal. Looking for greater commitment from a 20 year old is probably not going to work because he's in a very different stage of life to you at the moment. This may well be his version of commitment. He has very little experience of adult relationships and probably hasn't even considered the future yet. He's probably just happy the way things are going, he doesn't have to put in too much work because he's probably not even considering what's going to happen beyond next week.
Again OP, try and see this for what it is, it's an age gap relationship. Most of the time these are only good for flings and that's when it's an older guy with a younger girl. When it's a younger guy things are even less likely to be long term. We guys are far more flaky than girls when we're younger. Well I know I was anyway, 20 year old girls seem better equipped emotionally and mentally to maintain relationships than 20 year old guys.
Enjoy your fling while it lasts OP, if you want a more serious relationship then you'll have to go for an older more settled man.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 November 2010):
I think you should try and talk to him. You're naturally and understandably worried about his behaviour because you've been cheated on. Talk to him. Explain that you've been through a lot of pain, and just need some reassurance. If he does care, you will get that reassurance and you will see his love and care in his actions.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 November 2010):
 Hi well if am honest with you it does sound like you have been left insecure and paranoid from your ex partner cheating on you, this tends to happen that when we do get in to another relationship you feel like what is he doing and who are these girls that are adding him ect. the list goes on and on.
Your best bet here is to be honest with him and ask him where does he see the relationship going in the future and ask him how he feels.
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