A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've (34M) recently started dating with really cool person (37F) and got to the boy/girlfriend point. She is great - everything I think I could want in a girlfriend. We get on well, have a similar intelligence, personality, find her attractive, have similar outlooks on a shared future together... But - I just not get any 'buzz' or 'spark' with her. I know the 'spark' isn't all relationships are meant to be about... but it just feels a bit like friends with kissing? I do miss her when apart, but its a very dull feeling. I'm not willing to be 'gushy' in cards / letters as I was in my past relationship. I just fear this isn't quite 'right' and it'll be just like a friend without that special attraction I thought relationships should have? I know the spark may dull with time for long term relationships, but just feel there is nothing to start with and its just actually a friendship... Any thoughts / advise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2020): I think others may be missing the point you're trying to make. You are searching for the awakening of passion; and a that gravity that draws you stronger towards each-other. You want to fall in-love; but you're expecting that feeling to happen prematurely. It's not always as fast or intense as it is in the movies. Time for a reality check!
You are now a grown-up, therefore you should be developing an emotional-connection in a more methodical way; rather than the heated and hasty way we used to in our teens and twenties. That was more driven by hormones than establishing emotional-bonding and developing trust. Hastiness doesn't allow you to stop and realize what you have. That's because you are gauging your feelings by the amount of sexual-tension and carnal-attraction you can maintain; whether than getting into each-other's heads and hearts. You must learn to connect with your mate on different levels; but be patient enough to allow her to develop trust. You may think she's not moving fast enough, or fully demonstrative of her feelings; maybe that is because she is being reserved about allowing herself to be overly-vulnerable. Maybe because she really doesn't yet know you on that deep of a level. She wants to be sure it's worth opening-up and surrendering to you completely; and testing the depth of what it is you two share between you. You are already doubtful; without allowing time to establish the security of your emotional-bond, or growing enough trust. You would make me think you're flaky or immature.
I think what you want takes time to develop. You aren't always going to be hot and heavy for each-other. You'll feel sexually-attracted; but the feelings of real-love is different from lustfulness. You're not always horny, but you'll long for each-other. You'll sense a closeness that goes beyond just wanting to have sex with each other. People don't develop deep emotional-attachment at exactly the same speed. If you've seen all the signs you've described; you're receiving all of the best indications that this is going to work. What's the rush, and why do you need "sparks?" You're getting what adult relationships need.
Don't judge your relationship by adolescent standards. Don't measure it's viability by its predictability; but establish it based on its consistency and reliability. Human-nature tends to be unpredictable, flawed, or full of unexpected surprises; but consistency of solid-character, faithfulness, and honor justifies and develops trust. You should be looking for things in her personality of more depth, and less superficial. Look for attributes that demonstrate faithfulness, compatibility, and strength.
Try to avoid greeting card notions of love; and allow her time to open-up her vulnerabilities that may take some time to fully reveal. It is wiser to reveal vulnerability in slow doses. Guarding your heart is prudent to some degree; because some people aren't worthy at face-value alone. Just as you won't always drop your guard or reveal everything you consider too risky to reveal about yourself; until you trust her enough to be a guardian of your most deep and sensitive secrets.
We often try to judge and analyze people by comparing them to others from our past; or we are limited by the lack of real experience. Meeting someone unlike anyone we've ever known, requires patience and open-mindedness. Sometimes you have to slow your roll; and look for those things more tangible and sustainable than "sparks." Look at a relationship from the standpoint of maturity. You're no longer a boy, you're a man. Time to put away childish things!
You will get sparks, and sometimes you won't; that may not always be consistent. Sparks often fly when a fire is out of control; a good fire burns long and hot, with few sparks. It's the warmth that you really enjoy; and the truth and sincerity that keeps the fire burning in your hearts. What is ignited through love, not just overactive-hormones.
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (22 October 2020):
 You start of by describing the perfect relationship, saying she is all you could ever want in a relationship, she's attractive, intelligent, and have similar outlooks on a shared future together.
Wow OP, some people search their whole live's to find these qualities in a partner, some even never find it at all.
I think your reading to much into this buzz/spark thing. Yes some people meet, and there is a spark, for others the spark comes over time, even after many years of getting to know each other.
If you end things you could possibly come to regret it further down the line. You you could finish things with her, meet someone else where you feel the spark straight away. But over time when the spark wears off you may find this person is not all you want in a girlfriend, and you don't share similar outlooks on a shared future together, and all of a sudden you don't find her attractive.
I would see where is goes and see if things blossom over time.
If you are really not feeling over time you do need to be honest with her and not string her along. But i would think long and hard whether thats the right decision, because you may never find these qualities again in someone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2020): For me a relationship isn't a relationship without the 'buzz'. I had the same situation as you, a man that I absolutely loved in every way, same intelligence, background, interests, he was funny, loyal...everything, BUT I didn't want to rip his clothes off. I just adored his company. We got engaged and I was very happy until I met someone who blew my socks off on first meeting and I realised that I had met someone who DID give me the 'buzz'. I left the guy I was going to marry, because I couldn't stop thinking about the other guy. I still miss my ex-fiancee and after five years I left the 'buzz' guy too. He wasn't great in other ways. Do you think that if you met a woman who gave you a 'spark', that you could ignore that and carry on this 'relationship', that you are already calling a friendship? It depends what's important to you. The 'spark' is very important to me. I'm bored without it. I don't need someone in my life so they have to set me on fire before I'll even think about it. But you may be different. You need to ask yourself some questions, but the fact that you are already posting here about doubts, I would say that this is a non starter as a relationship.
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