A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi thereSo me and my girlfriend were supposed to go away this weekend leaving on Friday. Now I had a sports game on the Friday afternoon and I needed to sort out the times of the game before I could confirm with her if I would play or if I would miss the game to get an eaier start to our get away. Now the problem arose when she wanted an answer if I was going to chose her or my team.Now from there a whole argument persued but now my problem is when I argue with her, she doesn't listen to my points and she always makes her points seem valid and mine invalid. In addition, if I get angry she gets annoyed and upset and I have to end up apologizing but if it's the other way round then she doesn't really care. Basically, when I argue with her I feel completely emasculated and I always end up apologizing and just accepting her argument because if I had to argue more, she becomes more resilient and doesn't give in. I feel whipped. I hate it, it's degrading and emasculating . Can anyone please help. I may need to clarify so if there is any you are unsure of, don't hesitate to ask. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 I think you need to put her in her place and be firm with her. If she refuses to listen to your points, calmly state this, and then not say another word until she stops talking and hears you out. If she is not listening to you, then calmly tell her you will walk away for 20 minutes, and when you come back you will try to talk to her again.
She will be more enraged at first, but if you are consistent, and show her you will not tolerate this, then it will work. Well, either she'll start listening more to you, or you break up.
Try to talk to her about this at a time when you are not arguing as well. Tell her you need to talk to her about the way you fight. That it is not constructive, and that it needs to change for the two of you to have a good relationship. Do not bring up old quarrels, but rather talk about the things that happen every fight you have. There usually is a system to it, a routine to the way you fight. This routine needs to change. Tell her what you want to change, and how you'd rather want the two of you to argue. Then set up some points for how you will proceede, and also lay down some rules about what is allowed in a fight, and what isn't. Preferably write it down so you are both clear about it, and there wont be any misunderstandings.
Things that are not allowed: swearing, name calling, belittling, constant interruptions, talking on top of each other, shouting/yelling, slamming with doors/throwing things/any physical reactions.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): you're a doormat, but it's hard to say if you were always a doormat all along and that's why she picked you and walks all over you to your detriment, or if it's because you decided to let her walk all over you that you turned into a doormat. well, either way you need to stop caving in and apologizing for no reason, that's pathetic. you may get out of an uncomfortable situation in the moment, but she'll just lose respect for you in the long run because she knows that she isn't treating you respectfully and yet you accept it and grovel for more.
be wary of women who make you "choose" between her and something else that's important to you. This is the height of narcissism and insecurity. I would seriously re-evaluate this whole relationship and whether this girl really is someone you want to pick as your girlfriend.
you're both still very young so you're all still new to this relationship thing. we all learn from our experiences how we should behave to other people - when we cross certain lines and treat other people badly, there are consequences: those people don't want to have anything to do with us anymore. So we learn that maybe that was not really a good way to treat people. Your gf may not have had enough experience dealing with other people or maybe in her life up until now she was always spoiled growing up and always got her way. She needs to learn that the world does not revolve around her and what she wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): "Basically, when I argue with her I feel completely emasculated and I always end up apologizing and just accepting her argument because if I had to argue more, she becomes more resilient and doesn't give in. I feel whipped."
So basically you apologize even though you're NOT sincere, but just to get the toxic event over with. No wonder you feel like this. and no wonder this scenario keeps repeating. It's highly rewarding to her to always win every time she gets upset at you.
No this is not how arguments should pan out, not at all. However, it is a very common dynamic in DYSFUNCTIONAL relationships. Look around you, you will see many relationships - some of them are even marriage that have gone on for decades - where one person always gives in and never gets a say. Most of these relationships eventually end - could be a few weeks, a few months, or years, but most end because of this eventually. Those that don't, the partner who always gives in turns into a zombie eventually in order to continue to live in this relationship. You don't want to end up like that, some people have been like this for so long they dont' even remember what it's like to have any self esteem. I have friends like this, I feel so sorry for them.
first of all YOU need to train yourself to stay calm and not get reactive, even if your gf is going off at you and pulling her stunts. If you react back, then you're playing into it and digging your own grave. the only thing worse than one over emotional negative person in a relationship, is two over emotional negative people in the relationship.
you also need to listen to her calmly even if you disagree with her point of view, you still need to respect it otherwise you can't expect her to respect yours.
tell her you'd like to reach a compromise. If she insists on no compromise only her way is valid, then you have your work cut out for you because this means she's not a good partner and there's no point to being in a relationship with someone like this unless you want to turn into a zombie with no self esteem and feel like crap all the time.
But you really need to stop apologizing for things you aren't actually sorry for just because you're afraid of her negative emotions and words. every time you do it, you are reinforcing to her that she was right to have accused/manipulated/demanded/bullied you because in the end she 'won' and you 'lost.' You are therefore strengthening this dynamic. therefore you need to break this cycle and you can't change her behavior or control what she's going to say to you. All you can control is YOUR reactions, and YOUR words.
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