A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello this isn't a relationship question but I need advice because I really dislike my brother in law who is married to my sister, I just want to slowly cut all contact with them. I know this doesn't make much sense but he treats her very badly, she has no say, he decides everything like where the money is spent and many more other reasons. He never helps out around the house and expects her to do evrything. He is such a jerk and I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me, he says I talk too much, made fun of my poor academic ability when she suggested he tutor me because he went to a good uni (which btw she made me apologize for crying because he didnt understand that I really didn't understand what he was trying to teach me) doesn't really talk to me, is extremely sarcastic and has a cruel sense of humor. Everytime I visit her I don't want to be around him because his presence is so mean (can't explain.) I don't know what to do I love my nephew to death but I can't stand being around him. I've never told my sister how I feel because I know she wouldn't agree. Please tell me if I'm just being a brat or if this is how most brother in law are. Thank you for your time and advice.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 This isnt how all brothers in law are, and you are not really being a brat - but equally there is not a lot you can do about it.
Your sister loves him, she chose to marry him and have children with him therefore you need to hold your tongue and just get on with it. No-one is asking you to be best friends with him, or to make an effort with him - just do your best to ignore him where possible and try not to focus on his negative comments.
Their relationship is none of your business really, I appreciate its not nice to see your sister being treated badly but she is a grown woman and can look after herself. If she was really that unhappy she would leave, so it cant be as bad as you make out.
Dont get involved with their money issues, with him not helping out around the house etc - its none of your business and you need to stay out of it. Their relationship issues are between the two of them and you shouldnt really have an opinion on it.
As for how he acts towards you - ignore his comments, laugh it off when he insults you and take the high road in this situation. He sounds like a bit of a bully who gets his kicks from upsetting you, so if he sees that he doesnt upset you anymore then he wont bother trying to make fun of you so much.
There are many situations in life where you are going to have to put up with people you dont like, and this is one of them. Grit your teeth and get on with it - be polite when you see him and ignore him when he makes stupid comments. He cant hurt you, he is not important to you so dont let him get to you. And leave your sister to her relationship issues, as I said before she's an adult and can look after herself.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 I can only talk for MY brother in law who is absolutely an angel and a joy to be around ( except for being a vegan, with the annoying habit to STILL ,after so many years, to try and convert ME to veganism ; with his wife, he gave up). But it makes sense that , as all persons are different and can be good or bad, so it will be the same with BILs.
But, if I were you, I'd try to separate the feelings about how he treats YOU personally , and about how he treats your sister.
A marriage is a very curios, delicate ecosystem, some times it's hard to understand for outsiders. From what you say he does not sound like the ideal husband, yet, unless you witness episodes of abuse, or your sister confides in you, try to not judge. For all you know, that's the way it works for them both, a marriage along very traditional lines. Maybe your sister does not mind living her marriage this way, - maybe he compensates his being bossy by being a fantastic lover, or an excellent provider etc.etc.
As for you, you do not need to cut your ties with your sister and nephew, just to grow a thicker skin. Stop asking him to tutor you if he is not good at it, let his snide remarks totally slide off you, when you offer him no meat to sink his claws in, he'll soon get tired of needling you. And anyway, do you really care about his opinion ? Why ? There's nearly 7 billions people in this world, would you care about everybody's opinion about you ? So what, if he thinks you are a moron, - you think he is a jerk- you are even Steven.
If he is openly, blatantly rude or disrespectful to you , STAND UP to him. Let him know that opinions are fine, but insults are not, and won't be tolerated. But this, only IF he insults you.
For the rest, you don't need to be chummy , or to win his approval, - you just need to always be polite, irreproachably polite, since he is a member of your family and the father of your dear nephew, that's all.
We don't need to necessarily like our in-laws,- they don't need to necessarily like us - and. most of all, we don't need to CARE if they don't.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): "Please tell me if I'm just being a brat or if this is how most brother in law are."
This is not how most brothers-in-law act, but this is how ALL controlling, verbally abusive jerks act. I'm assuming he is acting this way towards you in hopes of alienating you from your sister in order to isolate her from her family, allowing him to exert even more control over her.
Unfortunately your sister is married to this jerk and has a child by him so there's not much you can do other than be there for her no matter what her husband says or does.
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