A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'd really appreciate other peoples' perspective on this! And I apologise in advance for it being so long winded!My boyfriend and I started seeing one another about five months ago. When we first started dating, he told me that he has depression. Not clinical depression (I mean like bipolar disorder, is clinical depression the right term for it?) and I'm fine with it. I had known my boyfriend about a year before we started dating, and I always suspected that he might have depression, because he could get very quiet out of nowhere, and he often overthinks a lot of things that most people would brush off. I've seen him while we've been together where he's had bad days, where he feels like he can't get out of bed, or worse, when he takes a silly comment I made weeks ago and jumps down my throat. We've always managed to talk through everything instead of arguing, I'm very much aware that when he's in these moods he can't help it. I've always tried my hardest to support him.We went on a three day trip a week and a half ago, and things seem, to me, to rapidly go South. We've often spent almost an entire week at each others place, so it's not an issue of it just being the first time we've spent more than a night with each other. On the first night, after being up for almost 24 hours, a day of hiking and sightseeing, I told him I was too tired to have sex for the second time in a row. He promptly turned his back to me in bed and said "fine, you can just lie over there then." I said nothing, figuring he was tired and cranky, and sometimes it's just better to brush some of his comments off.The following morning we were fine, we had breakfast and then met two of our friends who study in the area. My bf walked ahead with one of our friends, while I trailed a little bit behind with the other, just catching up. When our two friends went to the bathroom, out of nowhere he goes "you're really annoying me today." I have wracked my brain, and I truly believe that I didn't say or do anything for him to be annoyed over. I asked him what I did and his reply was "nothing. You're just annoying me." Our friends came back, so I just apologised quickly, not wanting to make a scene in front of them. Later that evening, we went back to our mates' house to get ready for a night out. My bf barely said two words to me as we were having a few pre-drinks, and as we were walking to the club he refused to hold my hand or speak to me. I know "he wouldn't hold my hand" sounds childish, but on top of everything else, it did upset me. Even when he has a low day, he doesn't act like that, and he was completely fine with our friends. I don't think it was a front he was putting on with them either, because they both know about his depression, and have seen him during bad days too.The next day he was fine, the day went by quickly, and he was fine when we were traveling home. That was the last time we spoke. He hasn't phoned, he hasn't text, and whenever I text to see if he's okay I get a monosyllabic reply, and gets snappy with me if I say that if he needs anything, don't hesitate to ask me. We usually talk for three or four hours every evening, whereas this week I've gotten 4 texts from him, three of them either being "yeah" "fine" "right" and then another one him snapping at me. I text him two days ago asking if we we're okay, and I've gotten no reply.On one hand, Im thinking that if this is his depression, I have to try and be patient with him. On the other, there's only so much I can do for him if wont even speak to me. I'm only human, I'm trying my hardest to understand and support him. Then again, whenever he's been down, he's never been so rude, hurtful and disrespectful to me. Is this his depression, or just him being an asshole? Hes always been overly confrontational with people, and won't back down from an argument at times, even when it's obvious he's in the wrong. He can jump down my throat over the most ridiculous things and...I'm getting pretty tired of it. I shouldn't have to tolerate him treating me like this, do I? :/Do I wait another few days to see if he'll speak to me/reply to my text, or do I just end this now? We've only been together five months, the relationship shouldn't be this hard. And if I do end it, how do I go about it? I mean, he won't reply to my texts and I'm sure he won't answer his phone, so I how do I broach this? Just text him saying "hey, we're not working anymore." ? We have another 9 months of post graduate work together, starting in October, so I need to be careful with how I deal with this..Anyone's point of view on this, and any advice you have, would be really appreciated! I want the good, the bad, and hideously ugly, even if it's telling me in being heartless in all of this!Thank you for taking the time to read all of this :) X
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male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 Staying with someone who has a mental illness takes a great deal of inner strength, a strong sense of self and self-worth and even then it may not be enough!
That being said, no one is entitled to use mental illness as a cover for being a jerk. I'm not saying that this is happening but he needs to start owning his behaviour. If you don't think you've done anything wrong then it's best that you take the break offered to you by his non-communication for the sake of your own mental health.
It sounds like you already know this but you are not responsible for his behaviour. Do what is in your best interest and do that which keeps your self-respect intact. Good luck and take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): It sounds like he's got some serious 'anger', 'rejection', and probably other issue, and he's taking them out on the person closest to him, you.
I would not want to be in a relationship with a guy and be treated like that regardless of whether he was depressed or not. If he wants to be in a serious committed relationship, then it's on him to get the professional help he needs. It's not on you to put up with his poor treatment of you. If he's not contacting you, then just let him know you're there for him, but ONLY as a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2012): If he's really depressed/bipolar, he should be being treated by a professional, although it doesn't sound as if he is. It's not fair to you if you're having to be his therapist in addition to his girlfriend.
It sounds as if he's using his depression as an excuse to be a jerk. No, you don't have to tolerate his behavior -- and you shouldn't. He's being manipulative and childish. If the relationship is this bad now, it's a poor omen for the future; people who are like that only get worse once they think you're hooked. So getting out now is a really good idea!
It's more courteous to break up in person. If you're worried about his reaction, meet him in a public place. Of course, if he won't talk to you long enough for you to break up with him, then a text is all you can do.
Good luck with it, especially since you'll have to continue working with him.
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