A
female
age
41-50,
*dog
writes:Hi, I've been in a relationship for a year now. I feel that I love this guy and told him but he hasn't said it back, he said that he needs more time. My gut feeling is that he is settling for me because he told me that he cares for me deeply but has also told me he never wants to get married or have kids. We have a lot in common, we are both in school and getting the same degree. I feel that he is very talented and he says the same thing about me. I can see him in my future but he says he's not sure if he can see me in his, he also says he had commitment issues until about 8 months in. I've caught him staring at other women in front of me a few times and it has made me feel very insecure. I also found out a few weeks ago, he went to a strip club with his friends and paid for a lap dance, I had to force it out of him. I feel very hurt because I feel he is not being open with me and he also knew how I felt about strip clubs, I do not think a guy who is in a relationship needs to go to them. It also hurts that he had some naked girl dancing on him. I feel insecure in the relationship and am having a very hard time trusting him. He also says until I trust him, he can't be in love with me or see me in his future. He barely compliments me and when he does, I have to ask him. I know he has a hard time showing emotions and I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I have many trust issues which I am bring into the relationship and I am working on that, as I come from a broken family and I have been cheated on in the past by ex's. He is not very sensitive and has a hard time seeing where I'm coming from. He sometimes shows me he cares, for example, the other night he helped me finish one of my projects but then again, I help him with his projects. I feel that I am always one step ahead emotionally, but I have more experience in relationships, I am his first long term relationship, He is 29 and I am 26. I still feel like he wants to be single in certain ways and when I ask him about it, he really doesn't answer me, it just makes me feel that he is selfish and would leave me as soon as someone better comes along. So i am just wondering if it is my insecurities or is this guy just disrespecting me and I just refuse to see it? I would really like to work things out if they can be. He always tells me if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. I am so confused and would like any advice, thank you.
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female
reader, Si Si  +, writes (25 April 2010):
 Dear girl...the first thing you need to do is a little self examination. your "problem" isn`t about him,it`s about you.
You obviously have some serious self esteem issues that you need to address. Firstly,go and get yourself a few good books on the subject from the library. Read them throughly and I have no doubt you will start to see yourself in some of the issues raised there.Self knowledge is self empowerment...so go and empower yourself!!Once you have read and understood some of your issues,you will be in a position to start doing something about them...
The type of man you describe in your letter is only attracted to a certain kind of female,the weak and vunerable who need to have themselves defined through a relationship with a man {any man} Do not be that girl one moment longer.Go empower yourself, and seek out the happiness and peace of mind you deserve.It will be a life changing experience I promise you...Be your own girl.
Once you do, the man in question will disappear as you will have absolutely no time for him at all. He will go lock on to another vunerable. You, on the other hand, will be a different person and consequently a diferent{and better} kind of man will be attracted to you.
Remember all great journeys begin with a first step.Go take that first step! Be the best you can be..
I wish you happiness and contentment.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (25 April 2010):
You're settling for a guy who isn't actually good enough for you, to be honest. He has 'commitment issues until 8 months in'?. Sorry, but a guy who is really that interested doesn't have commitment issues. I think he's using you until someone 'better' comes along. That basically means he doesn't know what he wants or what he's looking for. It's no reflection on you at all. You're too good for him, and your best bet is to dump him and find a guy who will love you and accept you as you are.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (25 April 2010):
 I agree, you are settling for someone who doesn't love you. After a year he should be able to tell you he loves you. The fact that he can't is a very telling sign.
I suggest you move on and try to find someone who makes you truly happy instead of trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): Sweetheart,
He's not settling for you. He's not even committed to you.
YOU are settling for someone that doesn't want to be with you.
Run before it gets ugly. Wasting your time with this guy will only prevent you from being with someone that is truly deserving of you.
In the meantime, if I were you, I'd ask myself why I am putting up with a guy like this. Find yourself and love your self before you commit to anyone.
Best of Luck,
xoxo Diosa
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