A
female
age
30-35,
*nilka
writes:Ok...this is kind of a long story...Last year around May, I started talking to this guy because he asked for my number. (He worked in a music store. I used to often go there and buy lot of cd's with my mom and sister for more than 6 months before he finally asked for my #).Anyway, he called me a lot in the beginning of last year when we first started talking. We even met up and kissed in the midst of everything....and then about a month after that, he told me that he liked me more than a friend. When he told me that, I did not believe him. The reason was because he used to be friend's with my EX-boyfriend. Him and my ex-boyfriend, of course, broke their friendship a couple months before he started talking to me. But still, he was always very curious, and wanted to find out more about me through my ex. He hated my ex, because they had some kind of issues with each other....(My ex told me that this guy even was talking shit about me behind my back. This was when he first got my number, too).Anyway, I did not believe him when he said he liked me more than a friend, so I said I need some time before I give you any answer about this boyfriend/girlfriend thing.So this guy said OK. About 3 weeks later, he asked me again, and wanted an answer. I finally said, "Yes, I want to be your girlfriend." He said, "Atleast you finally said yes."So that happened around August of last year. After I became his "girlfriend," last year, officially, I only met him once after that- in September.I had drove down to his city to see him (he lives about 35 miles away from me). He took me to a local restaurant and we ate , and talked a bit...(his friend accompanied us), so we were never just "alone." After that day, he still called me, but not as much as he used to when we first started talking. In my mind, I thought we were really "girlfriend/boyfriend." So, I tried to always think that he was just busy and cannot call as much. He even told me that last year...So then last October, he went to India. He did not even meet me before he left for India. He went for 2 months, and he called me quite often from there. He also told me to call whenever I want. He made me talk to his cousins there, whom he refers to as his "dear brothers." His cousin's (probably joking), but they said, "Our brother really misses you...he wants to just come to you.." He wishes to say "I love you" to you, but does not have the courage.I was just shocked, because this guy never really told me much about his life, but then his cousins already know so much about me through him???When he came back from India, I had decided to tell him I love him. I told him, but he said "I don't feel the same way, but if i do I will tell you in the future." To that I said, "OK, then, but what do you consider me as?"He said, "Friend." I said, "What about everything that happened last year? When you said that you wanted to be together as boyfriend/girlfriend?"To that, he replied with two different answers . One was, "What? I don't remember anything. You must have gone crazy."His other answer was, "You had said NO, and that you needed time. You never said yes to me."So...I said, "OK, then, I will not talk to you anymore."He said bye too.Then the next few days he called me a lot, but I never answered. When I finally did, he said, "My answer is yes to the 3 words you said to me that day."I was like, "WHAT? ARE YOU SURE" HE said, "Yes, if you don't want to believe me, what can I do."From that day on, he started calling me often again...and started to even leave nice voicemails if I did not answer (he never used to leave voicemails much before).Then in March was his b-day, and I even gave him a generous gift card , which he never even mentioned to me.So basically, the only time I met him this year was during his birthday time. He calls me, but I hardly call him. I always feel that he does not like me, because he never comes to see me. He is not lovey, dovey. He always talks on the phone for roughly 50 seconds, and then says, "Ok, I will call you back." He claims that he does not like talking on the phone very much. The thing about me is, I NEVER act possessive with him. If I ever feel he is being rude to me, I just stay quiet, and never call. Then he ends up calling a few days later, and asks me why I never call, and why I never pick up his calls (I hardly pick up his alls because I am always mad).Recently, he told me that he is going to India again in the summer. This totally shocked me because he just came back end of Decemeber last year, and now he is going again? I suspect he is either engaged or getting married??But then why does he still call me almost frequently???He never compliments me, he never even tells me much about his life. (Neither do I, because I only like to give as much info about myself as the other person gives about himself).I am very shy, and quiet with him, because I get nervous since I really like him.I do not show it as much as I could how much I like him, but when I meet him I always do....(for instance, the b-day gift, and being really sweet to him, and offering to drive to his city).So, my questions are:(1) Is this guy just not really into me?(2) Do you think that he considers me his g/f , or just a friend? He sometimes makes me talk to his friends over here too....which I cannot understand. They just say hi, and ask about me.(3) Do you think this guy is actually engaged , or going to India to get married? He is 22, but he is Punjabi, so his culture is like that. (When I first started talking to him, we once had a slight misunderstanding about something. Out of anger, he had told me , "I am actually engaged and I love my wife very much." I sometimes still wonder if that is the truth. My ex also told me that he was engaged. This guy himself admitted after the misunderstanding that he was never engaged, and he just said that because he was mad at me).THANK YOU......
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cousin, engaged, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): Hi again Anilka,
I don't think it's going to work out between you too. I would expect the difference in religion to hold him back from marrying you. But since he's in love with you he can't just stop all contact. So basically, he's screwed. Tell him that you're willing to convert to his religion and I bet he'll light up.
You need to have a talk with him with an open mind about all the options available and where this relationship is going. You should throw in hypothetical situations that may not ever occur. Like, what if my family was the same "variable X" as your family? What if I moved to India with you? What would it take for us to get married? And then decide for yourself if you're even interested in these options or would rather go with someone more compatible with you.
A
female
reader, anilka +, writes (5 June 2009):
anilka is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, these are all very helpful. To the male who answered my questions, I am sorry I forgot to provide these additional details:
(1) Both of us are Indians, but he is Punjabi & I am Hindi.
(2) He is a Sikh, I am a Hindu.
(3) When he was in India and he called and made me talk to his cousins, they all were very nice to me. They continued calling me/asked me to call them even when the guy came back from India.
(4) I just think it is strange that this guy is going to India in the next month, because he just came back last December...
Anyway, what do you think now??
All advice is extremely appreciated.
Thank you..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): Since I know both his culture and American culture, I can probably answer your questions pretty well.(1) Is this guy just not really into me?He's in love with you but will probably not move the relationship forward. He needs it to be at a "normal" level where you are neither asking for marriage nor asking for a breakup.Maybe, I'm wrong. You can test either case by doing this:A) Ask for a breakup and he should respond with a lot of attention, "I love you"s and anything else you want. Which will actually be how he feels about you.B) Ask him to introduce you to his parents so that he can present you as his girlfriend. Ask if they are ok with him marrying you in the future. I would expect him to avoid this as much as possible and delay it. You could either suggest using a webcam or just calling them. I would recommend using a webcam. Make sure they are aware that he is interested in you and that they don't think you're some acquaintance he just met.(2) Do you think that he considers me his g/f , or just a friend? He sometimes makes me talk to his friends over here too....which I cannot understand. They just say hi, and ask about me.They're probably interested in talking to you because they know he's in love with you. A big question here would be:Is he Muslim? If he is then he's not supposed to kiss you or do anything beyond that. (3) Do you think this guy is actually engaged , or going to India to get married? He is 22, but he is Punjabi, so his culture is like that.Yes he is engaged. It may be his parents choice that he can't go against; or it may be someone his parents picked but now he loves that person too. Guys can get "engaged" as soon as they're born over there. You should ask him if he will marry the girl he is engaged to or not. He probably doesn't know the answer to that though. He loves you but will do what has to be done. His difficulty right now would be getting married to you. He probably can't bring you up to his parents as a potential candidate for marriage. I assume you have a difference in religion and his parents are still India. They will automatically view you as someone who has had premarital sex. As such, they will advise him against marrying you. They will say that the foundation of the marriage is bad and that you may love him now but will leave him in the future or cheat on him as soon as someone better comes along.So here are things that could happen:1) If he's Hindu, converting to his religion may not matter as much. If he's Muslim, converting to his religion will matter to him and his family a lot. Enough that his parents would accept you if you converted. But even they might not if his family is well off and needs to maintain face. They may accept you anyway if you're Christian but the likely hood of that is low.2) He will need to be willing to cut ties with his family and choose you over them if they disagree with him marrying you. There's a low chance that he will do this. If he does this though there is a good chance that they will cave into agreeing to the marriage. All this depends on how open his family is and how much he follows them. Going two months every year means that he is connected to them pretty well though.As a side note: I've known 3 Muslim marriages such as these. In each case the girl has usually converted before or after knowing the guy. In one case the girl divorced the guy because he was extremely insecure. She had premarital sex and he was a virgin so he always worried that she would have an affair. In the other two cases things worked out great and they're still married happily. I've known one Hindu interracial marriage and that has also worked out well. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (4 June 2009):
 It is difficult to know what is happening with him, but I do think he's not acting as a man in love. I think he's onto something, but I can't say what. It doesn't seem to be anything good, however. I think you need to keep your distance from him. You might end up very heartbroken.
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A
female
reader, kaylagal +, writes (4 June 2009):
 Okay, there is no need for me to answer your three questions. From one girl to another, leave this guy alone.It doesn't matter whether he likes you or not, whether he's going to get engaged or married in India, all that doesn't matterThe BIG issue here is why are you letting his guy play with you and your emotions like that. Love is not that complicated, if a guy wants you, he wants you. If he's your boyfriend, you will know, if you have any questions, then he's not.Have some pride and let this go. It doesn't matter what he tells you. If I were you, I would cut all communication with this guys. Enough is enough. He has wasted your time for too long, don't give him another second.Just tell him that you are not interested in whatever it is that's going on, and thank him for his time and then lastly wish him good luck.Just let it go. With some guys, you will never know and I believe he might be one of those guys.Worry about you, and take care of you.
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