A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if this guy is really interested in me or not.We've hooked up on and off since January (by the way it was a completely non-physical relationship). The 1st time we stopped talking because he heard that I had a boyfriend which was completely false(My x and I had been broken up for over a month before I met him).I was told the 2nd time we stopped was because he wasn't all that interested anymore because he didn't want to deal with the bullsh*t that happened the last time.2 months ago he sent me a text message he claims was a mistake and I made nothing of it.But about 2 weeks ago I text him in a moment of weakness and he text me back the next day and we spoke briefly on the phone about nothing and hung up on good terms.Then about an hour later he called me back asking me to meet and talk.I went to meet him and he asked alot of ?'s about my x and who his g/f was, who I've hooked up with and who I hang out with.He also was playing with my cell phone and wanted to know who was calling and texting me.He also told me that he got hurt the 1st time around and that he couldn't promise that him and I would be b/f and g/f,which I didn't understand cause I didn't ask.We have hung out twice since and both times he made comments again about my cell phone.He also asked me why I never call or text him and always makes comments like "I guess we'll talk again when you decide to call me" or "I guess I'll hear from you in what, a week".With that said he never asks me to hang out, since we've met he has always acted differently around me when he has had some alcohol in him.I remember one night after some drinks he kept asking me not to hurt him and we only knew eachother for a month.When I think back I would say most of the times we've hung out he was a little tipsy and the times that he wasn't he seemed distant and a little uptight.To be honest I don't understand him and I don't really understand what's going on between us? Could someone please give me some insight on what may be going on in this dudes mind?Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): This guy does not sound ready for a relationship, full stop. Wanting to know who's calling or texting you? I wouldn't expect a boyfriend to do that, let alone a prospective one. Your question is whether he's interested in you. It seems so, but he wants you to do all the running.You say you've been seeing him casually since January. If you really do like this guy (your question doesn't really make it sound like you're mega into him!) then tell him, and tell him too that relationships are two way things and if he wants to see you, to give you a call. Only then can he expect the same in return.If you don't like him so much (or only his drunken self), but you've been hindered by all his 'don't hurt me's, then you'll just have to get the courage tell him. Yeah, he'll get hurt, but January to October is a long long time to be in a pseudo-relationship. Prolonging it won't help. Either way, you need a proper discussion with this guy, and ask what he thinks is going on, what he wants to go on, and then tell him what you want to go on. From what you've said about him, this conversation might be easier if he's a little tipsier (but not angry drunk, obviously) - you're more likely to get straight answers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2008): It seems like he may be interested in you, but it doesn't seem like he's ready for any sort of commitment such as a bf/gf relationship. He seems to be going through some stress and doesn't know exactly what he wants right now. He seems to have some emotional baggage from the past and is carrying it into your relationship now, and just as newfound friends to start with, the signs seem pretty heavy. Asking about your ex, who you've hooked up with, who you hang out with, jumping to conclusions, negativity, emotional distance, wondering why you never call him when it hasn't even been that long, general neediness, and expecting rejection from you = insecurity. This may sound harsh, but from what you've said, he doesn't seem so much interested in you as much as he is in the potential of having someone. I would think, if he was a decent guy who is genuinely interested in you, he would be himself more around you (i.e. not getting tipsy around you just to be able to open up) - natural chemistry doesn't need the aid of any substances. Also, instead of causing what seems to be drama between you two and only asking you questions based on (most likely) jealousy, and the types of texts he sends you, he's not trying to get to know the real you at all. It seems like he feels that he's lost control of something and is trying to express his desire to control something in his life again through how he treats you. So even if he is genuinely interested in you, starting a relationship with him in this state may not be healthy for either of you - he needs to work out his own kinks and save you the trouble. As friends, you can possibly help him out, but don't feel responsible for his behavior. I think since you also recently just got out of a relationship (it wasn't indicated whether or not it was serious/long-term or not), you might want to take the time to ask yourself what's going on in your mind as well. Think about what you want and if what you're investing in is going to bring you that or not. If I were to summarize what I think is going on between you two, I would say that you're both leading each other on because neither of you are exactly sure what you even want at this point. New relationships with new acquaintances should be open, friendly, and simple, not restricting, negative, or untrusting. If you really want to know what he's thinking, you can always ask him - communication is key in any type of relationship.Hope this helps and best wishes to you.
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