A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Ok here goes. I am a single woman with two teen daughters. One of my daughters is in a theater group. I help out a lot there. I run the lobby and give the parents their jobs. In the spring play I needed a 50/50 person and asked this very nice man to help and he did a great job. A few months later I run into him at the gym. I wasn't sure it was even him, but he recognized me right away and came up to me. He asked me how I was and I told him fine. I asked him and he started crying telling me his wife just left him a few weeks before. He mentioned lunch because he needed someone to talk to. I told him I would only as friends. We had lunch and he told me he knew that I would understand what's going on with him because I am divorced. After lunch he mentioned he really liked me and would like to get together again. I told him it wouldn't be a good idea. I told him he has a lot on his plate and needs to process things. I would possibly meet for lunch as friends in a few months down the road. He not only is separated from his wife, but also is on disability, has a dad who is suffering from cancer (with not much time left), has a teenager with aspbergers, and a five year old. He also is a diabetic. He asked me if I don't want to date him or any other woman because of his health and disability issues. I told him no to be nice, but he does have a lot going on in his life. I tried to be nice, but he kept on sending me chat messages for over a month. He admitted to me that he had a crush on me while helping with the play. He told me that I was his type physically and he liked smart, attractive, caring women. He also would respond to almost all of my fb posts. I ended up not responding to them. He would say things like thinking about you in a good way, don't forget about me, hi beautiful, I can list the reasons why I like you....He also asked me out and I told him no. He then asked me why not and then told me he got it. A day later he sent me a thinking about you message. I have told him and was very honest that we would never date. He told me he would wait forever I told him no and if he sent me anymore chat messages (which would be fine if we were in a relationship but, were not appropriate in our situation since we are not dating) I could not be his friend. He then sent me a message two weeks ago telling me that he was going to take me off as a fb friend to get over me. I thought it was best to not respond. The play was the last two weekends and remember seeing a post that he was coming. I thought he would probably not. He showed up on Saturday and I ignored him. I got a message from him that morning saying he saw me, but didn't get a chance to talk to me, calling me beautiful, and wishing me a late happy birthday. We'll he showed up the next day as well. I was telling one of the mom's kidding that my stalker was here again. She told me oh yes, I know him. He was at the stage door entrance talking about how wonderful you were and how he is in love with you. That really when I started to get creeped out. I went to the cast party and about an hour later, he shows up. I got really upset and decided to leave and take one of my daughter's home. I ran into the mom, who he talked to and told her I had to leave because he showed up. She was really shocked and told me he helped take down the sets. I can back about 1 1/2 hours later and he was still there. I told the man that runs the play and he told me to stay and not leave, but stay around my friends. He finally left and I went to a corner to just ball my eyes out. I was upset and mad. Many of my friends there offered to follow me home or made sure I had their number in case I needed them. We are having a wrap party on Thursday and I just know he is going to show up. I don't know how more clear I have to be. I also stating to recall things he told me like his wife didn't like his temper etc. I'm really getting creeped out and scared over the entire situation. He may be harmless, but you never know. I am no match for a man and don't know what else to do. Please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): I wanted to thank all of your for your response. I have had a lot of support from my friends. A good friend of mine (old boyfriend), who is ahead of the theater group, talked to and advised him to stay a polite distance when in my company. I also had another male friend tell me he had my back if he gives me any more trouble. I do plan on going to the wrap party and if he shows, I think I have enough males that could convince him to leave hopefully. I hope it is the end of it. I know one thing that I will never talk to him and if needed will go to the police if he crosses the line.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): I would say he is a non dangerous creeper. A sad,lonely,socially inept man who has fixated on you, and is determined that he can "win" your love if he waits long enough and does the right things.
Still,why take chances? Document everything, and keep making sure others are arround and know your whereabouts. I wouldn't make a big deama out of it, though.You should confront him and tell him you are not and will never be interested.Have a male friend or friend's mate play boyfriend a couple of times.Then,ignor,avoid,but do not run or hide.There are plenty of resources available to handle a low level creeper like this one.Unless it escalates a lot,you are very likely in no danger.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, alienfromarea51  +, writes (15 August 2011):
Tell him you will have to file restraining order if he will not leave you allone. If it will not help do it. I am not kidding.
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A
female
reader, nyanna +, writes (15 August 2011):
 i would say a definate creeper and to stay away it just sounds like bad news and the simple fact that you have told him no way more times than he deserves its time to call the police in they are there to protect and serve so let them protect and serve you. You don't deserve to have some creep (no matter his sob story)causing you such distress its not healthy and he needs to be put in his place and learn bounderies, and to not stalk people! No means No
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 August 2011):
 Yes, he is a major creeper. If he disclosed to you that he has temper issues, and if he's dumping a ton of issues on you from the get go, he is and will continue to stalk you. Yes, you are being stalked.
Here's what to do:
1. Stop any and EVERY SINGLE feeling you have of pity or feeling sorry for this guy. That is over. I know you feel pity because of the "he might be harmless" comment. He is NOT harmless.
2. Write him one message. This message should not contain any language such as "I know you're going through a hard time" or anything that acknowledges your feelings of pity for him. The time to worry about hurting his feelings is DONE. This one messages should say "Do not ever contact me again in any way, shape or form. Do not show up anywhere I am. Our communication in all forms is OVER. If you contact me or show up anywhere I am, I will be calling the police."
3. REMOVE HIM from your facebook, phone, messages, everything. Block his Facebook ID. Do not wait for him to. You do it.
4. Call your local police about taking steps to secure a restraining order against him. Your words "Stay away" aren't enough to keep him away from you.
5. Document everything he does AFTER your message to him. Save everything. Call 9-1-1 if you so much as see him. Every violation, every protest, every trick he tries.
6. Invest in personal defensive measures that suit your beliefs and comfort level, such as pepper spray, a taser, or different measures. I'm not ashamed to say that I carry a concealed carry firearm permit. I know some people don't believe in carrying handguns, but I'm not one of them.
Unless he's insanely psychopathic, he'll get the message and move on. However, you need to be protected. Don't go anywhere alone for this first bit. Your goal is to break his obsession for you.
This happened because the OP felt sorry for this guy. It's okay to feel sorry, but be a lot more careful with personal info. Phone numbers, Facebook, email...all of this could have been easily avoided by staying cautious.
In fact, if you ever feel sorry for a guy and there's a tiny red flag there, be MORE guarded, not less. Don't give him your Facebook as a tradeoff for turning down a date. Too many women tell a guy "I don't want to go out, but let's be friends". No, no no no and NO. You don't want to be friends, but you didn't want to make him feel bad.
This guy's major warning came in being too open too soon. You ask him how he is and he starts bawling. He talks about being in love with you after one date. He resists you telling him you're not interested stating he'll "wait forever". Yuck. I'm afraid he won't just go away or respond to traditional signs of disinterest.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (15 August 2011):
 You need to block him from all of your online contacts and phone. He thinks that if he's persistent enough that your 'no' will eventually turn into a 'yes', and this is a serious problem, because he thinks his desire to have you is more important than your right to be left alone. That is a major red flag because a man that will push you over and over again for contact despite your protestations and rejections will often push women for other more serious things like sex, even when she says no.
Do not ever speak to him again, ignore him. NEVER acknowledge him, no matter what, if you see him in public. Even to reject him means you have to speak to him, and that will give him hope. You have to pretend that he does not exist.
Warn other women in your social circle that he is to be avoided and list your reasons. Make sure that other women know that he is extremely stubborn, selfish and delusional. He is potentially dangerous and you don't want any of your friends to get involved with a man like that.
Make sure he is blocked from your facebook, phone and IM chat programs. You really want to make sure you keep on top of this situation before it gets any worse.
For the next few weeks, you might want to make sure that you have a friend walk with you to your car when you leave the theater, and you might consider purchasing and carrying pepper spray with you from now on.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 August 2011):
 This man was emotionally unstable from his first hello.
He needs a therapist! You sort of invited him in for a shoulder and he grabbed it. Now you are trying to remove him like lint off of velcro.
You need to realize that you have been waaaaay too passive about your response towards him. You are just avoiding the conflict you NEED to have to get him to understand his attention is unwarranted and unwelcome.
You allowed him into your FB and when things became visibly awkward YOU should had defriended him and explained he was making you uncomfortable.
The theatre is a public place and it sounds like he is still an active volunteer? Does he have a child that particpates as well? Then you can not do much about him being there. You are right to not be caught alone with him, but it is up to you to tell him to back off.
If he keeps crossing the boundaries, let him know you will complain to the theatre manager about him and file stalking charges if necessary. Take control over your own safety and do not wait for him to do the right thing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): Total creeper, stay away! I've come across this type and have tried to be a shoulder to cry on but it ends up badly. He's emotionally unstable at this time, a therapist is a better choice than a woman he met thru a volunteer situation.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2011): If it continues you really need to contact the police, this is harassment, keep a detailed log of every message, meeting etc...
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