A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 years old with a 10 month old son.Abit of a long story//sorry! Please Help ME!!I met this guy who was 13 yrs older than me when I was 17 years old. He convinced me to go out with him, keeping it secret from both our families, until I was 20 and told him this relationship wasn't going anywhere ( it was a long distance relationship and i had to lie to my family to fly out and meet with him in Virginia or he meets me in Arkansas) and I needed space. I broke up with him and went out with this other guy as a rebound for 5 months. near the end of the 5 months he was still calling me and crying about how much he loved me. I felt like he must love me a lot to forgive me something like going out with another guy immediately and I found out I was pregnant with this guy's baby when I felt so sick. my guy called me and said I sounded super sick and his mom ( a doctor) thought I might be pregnant! he said he didn't care if i was he'd raise the baby as his and we'd move on with our lives. I said i wasn't i just had a bad stomach flu and went and had an abortion ( did not go with anyone or tell anyone)I finished my semester of school and in December of 06 I moved to Virginia to be with him. I said to myself this guy loves me more than anyone and i need to give this a real shot since he said he couldn't move to me i moved to him ( my family is super super close so this was excruciating for me but i felt i needed to try to get away from this place anyway and be with him) he came and we drove to Virginia together.My family was shocked about the relationship, the move and the fact that for once i wasn't taking their advice ( to stay and finish school then go on with the relationship. my brothers said if he loves you then he should come you're in school! I was doing very very well in school)I packed and left.When i got to Virginia i was really sad and didn't even go out except to go to work. I felt like people were always looking at us because of the age difference, the race difference or both! and when i wasn't noticing he would bring it up and then I'd be conscious of it once more.I loved Virginia though and made great friends. I told my friends about some of the ways I'd feel sometimes. I felt like i wasn't meant to be in the relationship sometimes. or felt like he wasn't romantic enough and complained of being tired alot. he never bought be flowers or did anything spontaneous but he was sweet, funny and always there when it really counted.I feel kinda bad now remembering but I did talk about breaking up with him sometimes at work for no reason. I just felt like i could do better and i donno why. he loved me and i loved him but i wasn't in love with him.we went to visit his mother in Alaska..after that trip which was in august i found out i was pregnant in October! he is very happy about it since he's getting old and wants a family. I am also happy because to be honest if i have to have a child with anyone he's the only one I'd want it to be with.Things are strained during the pregnancy because i feel like he isn't helping with getting ready. he doesn't wash the car seat or remove the cushions, he doesn't put the car seat in the car early, he won't allow us to buy clothes because we don't know what skin color it will look like, he won't let me find out the sex of the baby because he says it will ruin the whole first baby experience for him, and he wants to be the one who names the baby( i agree to this only if it's a boy)at one point we get in an argument and he tells me I can go back to Arkansas if i want to. i almost do it but stayOur baby boy is born in June and i plan on going back to school for the fall. I take disability for 3 months near the end of the 3 months I ask my guy if i could take the baby to see my family. he doesn't like the idea but says OK. we leave and visit my family for 3 weeks. my family had said they'd come and see the baby but ended up being too busy but i wanted them to see the baby so i felt i needed to do this. when i come to visit my family i get nostalgic and they tell me they miss me and i need to move back home. my older sister who lives overseas is also moving to Arkansas and they say i need to move and the whole family will be together and my baby will be raised around family. This really makes me sad and want to move. when I get back to Virginia I work only 1 time a week until school starts. when i come back my guy keeps saying how much he missed us and how he'd never want us to go that long again. he also tells me about an opportunity to move to New york near his family and he'd get a nice raise and be able to afford a house for us instead of our 1 BR apartment. i feel sad about that but get angry with him and start fights about moving to my family. I remind him of how he promised he'd try and he didn't. he says he has tried and we'd discussed moving to this place in NY before and i had agreed. I told him he'd coerced me..by this time he's started sleeping on the couch at first he said because i had gotten an IUD so i wouldn't get pregnant and he had no sexual interest in me if i wasn't going to get pregnant. he said he was getting old and needed his kids now. then he said it was because i was breastfeeding and sleeping with the baby in bed with me ( i was exhausted and he wouldn't bring the baby every time i asked.)when school starts he haggles and trades his day schedule to work nights so i can go to school during the day and he works at night ( our baby won't be in daycare this way) I breast feed the whole time and pump when necessary) and we start fighting alot about how to best feed the baby and how he's not sexually interested in me, how he doesn't help with housework, how he's always saying he's tired. I stop kissing him good bye for work and just turn my head and he kisses the baby good bye ( i know this is mean i was being petty). and then our fights got really messed up where I felt it was abuse at some point.such as when i came home from work and the baby was crying when i tried to go to the bedroom to hold him he stepped between us and said let him cry it out or i won't watch him while your in school. you can find someone else to watch him ( i went past him and picked my baby up and he stormed out of the house in a huff). another time he wanted to put the car seat sideways in a shopping card and i said i didn't like that idea and we got in a fight about it in the store and he told me to " drop it or you wont like what happens" then he said " stop talking, be quiet and shut up " to me in this angry low commanding voice that really scared me. this continued for about 2 weeks and at he started saying shut up to me in this scary voice every time we fought which was 3 times that week. after one of the fights when I refused to shut up he went and got a big thing of ale and drank it all. he said if i don't shut up he'll drink. i said if he tells me to shut up or drinks again i will leave him. he says i can't leave him I have no money and no where to go and he'll leave me if i don't listen to him. I call my sisters and tell them what happened and they tell me to pack my stuff and leave while he's at work, get out of there before it's too late, he's treating you like shit leave, you can do better and so on.. so i plan my escape.The next day after the fight my car comes to bed and cuddles with me and says he's sorry. he's so scared of losing me and his son that he says crazy things. he says he's stressed about the move, his work schedule and taking care of our baby while am at school and he's sorry blah blah. I close myself off from listening to him because I already plan on leaving and i don't want to hear it. we argue again after he gets off work when he tries to apologize again i interrupt and he goes off on me again. he hands me the baby and says " bye kid hope she doesn't kill you" then he comes in the room and says he isn't worried about it because " you're an unfit mother, they won't give him to you. you have no money, no job and no where to go" (I had a part time job tyvm!) anyways i call my sisters and tell them what happened..they go insane and tell me to run home ASAP!..i pack my bags the night before and when he leaves for work I leave in my car. i drive 14 hours home.he went to court and said I was negligent and our kid wasn't immunized( we both agreed to wait until he was alittle bigger) and they take my kid away for 5 days until i get a lawyer and go to court and get him back. now we're going through a court case that's getting brutal and savage. every time we see each other my ex guy cries about what i did to him and what it's costing him emotionally and financially.(it's costing me too) the sad thing is I still love him i just wanted some space to think what to do. my family thinks he's insane and mean. they all said for me to go for the Jugular with him but i can't quite get to hating him. He was a god father and provider and i ripped his heart out. i took his kid away from him who meant the world to him and i can't stop feeling guilty! the last 2 times we saw each other he started crying and we ended up having sex ( it was good for some reason) I still care about this guy and am so confused. he told me he'd take me back but he'd have no trust for me and he'd not be able to love me the same but he'd take me back to be with his kid again ( I'm not wanting to settle for this) I just can't stop thinking about the good times now that I am with my family again. They are nagging me and asking " why the hell do you feel sry for that jerk! it's too late now you guys are over. just stay and start your life here. blah blah" I am kind of angry at my sisters for telling me to escape like that and myself for listening.. My lawyer is costing ALOT( 8k) and his lawyer is over 30k now. my ex-guy says he's in debt now after working 10 yrs to clear it and he was ready to buy a house now he used that money for his lawyer. he wants me to move to NY with him and help him get the debt gone and try to rebuild our lives..I don't know.What should i do? is this fixable? should I give it another try? should I let it go? was I wrong? was I not being emotionally abused? ...am i crazy?! I called him controlling and a manipulator but am i the same? Help Me Please!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (19 April 2009):
 Personally I am a greater believer that it is better to cut ties when your children are younger as they do not grow up in an environment surrounded by unhappiness and they are so adjustable, believe me I have seen it with my own daughter and also with my 3 nieces who are adults now. They have thanked their mum for divorcing their father when they were younger as he had weird ideas of how a relationship should be and a lot of that had to do with the way his father was with him. He left home at 16 to get away from his father. My ex brother in law I get on with now but he has had numerous relationships since my sister and none have lasted, he cheated on my sister and she could not forgive him so she had 3 children under 5 when she said no more.
Children need stability in their lives yes but saying you can never leave if you did go back is then saying that an unhappy mummy is a good way to be, believe me it isn't a child prefers two happy parents than one happy and the other miserable, they pick up on the atmosphere and it can be an awful upbringing for a child to live through that. My ex saw it for years and he knows that if his parents had parted earlier both his two sisters and him would have turned out differently without the emotional baggage they still carry today in their 40's.
If in your own gut instincts you think things can work out then maybe consider a compromise with your man, however if he feels like he is pressurising you too much then consider what sort of life your son will have and if that is what you want for him. The age will always have it's problems/issues but it depends on the two people involved whether that is an issue or not.
Take care and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell now i've gotten 2 opposite conclusions. I still can't make up my mind. It's april and the final court date is july. I think I will wait and see who gets custody. get one messs cleared up at once. i just want to be in a normal relationship and i don't want to settle for one where the trust is gone and the love is so tainted now..I am so sorry about all thats happeed.i wish i knew what the right thing to do would be.. something i wouldn't ultimately regret..forever. if i decide to go back to him i know it will have to be forever because i can't do this to my kid again. and if i leave him it will be forever..this is hard.
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A
female
reader, tired82 +, writes (17 April 2009):
 Every marriage goes through it's ups and downs. Now, that you are without him you are realizing that you love him and rather be by his side. The fact that you were away from you family and having to take care of your household, school, and child was being overwhelming for you, therefore anything that went contrary to what you wanted made you upset. Maybe you just needed to communicate in a good way with him rather than being rude as you say you were. Sometimes talking fixes things, you just have to know how to talk to your husband. Avoid pushing his buttons. Collaborate on what you both want. I think you should give up on your divorce and try to work it out. Forget what your family says, go with what your heart tells you. They only know what you tell them but are not in your shoes so their advice is not going to be the best. No one is perfect. He isn't and neither are you. Grow together and learn from your mistakes. I wish you the best.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwow that gave me alot to think about. The thing is I don't think I have post partum depression I love my son and have been unhappy with some of our relationship for awhile. It just came to a point where I felt like it would go on forever.(me compromising to keep things smooth and if i don't i get called selfish by my ex) I am seeing a counselor but will be going to a psychologist instead.There's one closer to my place than the counselor. Thank You for your response that gave me something to think about.
Maybe I should keep going with my life and if we're meant to be together..We will be otherwise I just take care of my son and myself!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (17 April 2009):
Personally I think you were scared of this guy and you protected your child from coming to any harm.
The way he spoke to you was controlling and as he is older than you he will always think he is right and you are not as you are younger than he is.
He has called you an unfit mother and personally I wouldn't be able to forget that. You were trying to go to school to better yourself and he agreed to change his shifts to be there for your child. He turned around and said that unless you did things his way then he wouldn't be around to take care of your son. His answer to pressure was to go out and get drunk, that is NEVER a good sign as he could become violent if under pressure he always turns to drink.
You need to consider what you want out of life and what you want for your son, he is the innocent party in all of this. I think he is scared you would win the custody battle as you have the support of your family around you.
By taking you to NY to live you are again going to be away from your family and you will only have him and your son so you will again be lonely. It is a big decision and I wouldn't make it lightly. He is saying that by living together again he can get out of debt, the whole promise of a house is a carrot and it is really up to you whether you see this working out or not.
Why not get yourself to a doctor and talk it through with them as it may be that you have had some level of post natal depression as you were breastfeeding and trying to go to school so don't make decisions when you feel low but get yourself strong again first and then make an informed decision about what is right for you and your son.
You said your love for him had changed and that is the big question here, do you love him enough to work this out or not? If the answer is not, then I think you have your answer. You can sort out reasonable access to your son but it may be better all round to go your separate ways, if you are meant to be together then time apart may prove that. I think you need your own independence and just being a mum for a while to truly see what you want. Don't push yourself too hard right now. Don't try to juggle 10 things at once, just enough your son while he is young as they grow up so fast.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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