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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Would you call this bullying or just overreacting? I feel like I'm being singled out by certain people. One of the rules at work is no mobile phones unless you're on your break. I keep mine in my locker but apparently "someone" saw me with my phone who then told the manager. Basically he believed them over me. He didn't even ask me if it was true (it wasn't). I'm pretty sure I know who told on me. I saw one of the support workers (I work in a residential home) on her phone and she knows that I saw her. I never reported her because I don't want to stir but I think she was worried I'd say something so she said I had my phone on me instead. I can't prove that of course.Now, because of this the manager said he's going to check up on me every 2 hours. If I go anywhere I have to tell him (even the toilet). I've tried to keep my head down and get on with it but he and the deputy manager (who I don't like) still come and find me and try and find anything they can to pick on me about. A lot of other staff have even said "Wow, she's really got it in for you hasn't she?" (deputy manager). I see the support workers with their phones all the time and nobody says anything. Even the team leaders have theirs. The other day the manager's mobile went off and someone said "I thought we weren't allowed our mobiles?" He said something like "do as I say not as I do".Yesterday she asked me to do something so I went off to do it and I heard her slagging me off. "she's such a so and so etc". I felt like saying something but I didn't see the point seeing as the manager is one of the people I feel is being a bully. Now I dread coming to work and when I come in in the morning I just know they're going to pick on me about something. Because i'm "only" domestic staff i feel like my opinion doesn't count and the one time i have complained they haven't done anything about it yet as soon as someone so much as says one word about me or other domestic staff we get cal in the office straight away. It feels like it's us against them. The manager wrote a list of all the things he expected me to do and if i messed up he said i'd get a disciplinary and maybe get fired. I work hard in a crumby job for minimum wage yet he said "i don't think you're giving enough back for the wages we're paying you".I don't want to sound full of myself but i'm only 24, i'm not stupid and i know and i can do 100 times better than this job but right now there aren't many jobs going where i live so i just put up with it because being unemployed just isn't an option.Is this bullying or am I just being overly sensitive?
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (28 September 2011):
 you are very welcome, regards Abella
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Abella. Your advice was really helpful.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 September 2011):
This is bullying, like Abella has said. Follow her advice.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 September 2011):
Bullying Links - as promised
http://bullyoffline.org/workbully/index.htm
http://www.overcomebullying.org/bullying-links.html
why do people bully
http://notcooltobecruel.com/why_do_people_bully.htm
Biderman’s Chart of Coercion – how an abuser does it
http://www.familyshelterservice.org/pdf/bidermans_chart_of_coercion.pdf
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (28 September 2011):
Yes it is bullying that you are being singled out. And NO you are not being overly sensitive. It may well be because you are smart at picking up the subtle behavior of the bully that you are so easily able to detect the bullying that you are suffering.
If you start to feel teary or sad do not confide these facts to your employer nor any colleague as the bully would love to be able to label you as "unstable". Go for a walk every lunch period. Never turn your phone on until you are outside the premises and are in your own time.
While this bullying continues, while you stay there, then ensure you are "squeaky clean". Get to work earlier. Start work as soon as you arrive. Keep your head down. Don't complain. But Do start looking around for another job now -very very quietly.
Having faced bullying myself, and survived it, I come to answer this with some hindsight. And so I will try to give you the benefit of my experience.
And because of my experience with bullying I am going to suggest that you do NOT follow the path I followed (which was to stay at the workplace and not leave) as I think I would be better off if I had left in the first 12 months to avoid the bullying before it became far far worse.
Bullies are bad news, and you don't want to stay too long. Bullies cost industry millions of pounds/dollars/peso etc because bullies ruin productivity and they ruin lives.
Because if the bullying gets badly out of hand then your health and your career can be badly affected. In my former work place I was not the only person bullied. In fact the bullying was so bad that one manager who bullied very badly and was very nasty was sacked (though he was not the one bullying me).
It becomes a nasty bitter culture. One you do not need to suffer.
I watched two people "take on" the bully (the one sacked) and although they won in court, they lost. Because although the company was ordered to re-instate those two very nice persons from then on they were scrutinised from a distance and missed out continually on every promotion. They would have done better to ask for a financial settlement in Court and then move on when they each won their case. But they wanted their jobs back and they wanted a moral victory over the bully.
I know another person who did move on, but never tried to examine how to stop it happening ever again and never changed reactions to further bullying in a new workplace. We must and should learn from any experience that causes us pain. Otherwise we will keep making the same decisions and that could replicate the conditions that allowed bullying to start. And it saddens me that this person is a good person but feels bewildered that it is happening again.
For my part I chose to deal with it. And stay in the workplace. And do not imagine it was beign bullying. It was truly Diabolical Nasty criminal Bullying.
I think it extracted some toll on me. I really am extra wary and extra vigilant to do a good job every time. I make sure I am squeaky clean in all that I do. And I document everything. But I do not think I get the opportunities that I know I would have enjoyed if I had cut my losses and left earlier. And started work in a different (no bullying allowed) culture.
The only reason I stayed is that some high level changes at the top, a disastrous financial result for the company and new Managers came in, after the bullying reached it's Zenith, with multiple people alleging bullying from multiple managers. NOW everyone is on notice to never allow it to surface again.
However some former bullies are still there. Hence I still watch my back.
Recently a new woman came to work in the place where I work. She is not "with the program yet" and twice she tried to undermine me (not just me - but I can only fight my own battles, not those of others). Both times she tried to belittle or undermine me it backfired and she was shown to have deliberately tried to hurt me. Two other men have asked to be shifted away from sitting near her. One customer has complained about her rude way of speaking to them. I believe she is a potential bully and I know she is ambitious (and very over-confident) about scoring a key management role. It is my hope that Management will wise up to her nastiness and soon. But they may not.
In hind sight, although I never did it, I would now recommend that if you are being bullied that you get out as soon as possible.
A high turn over of newer staff is a way that management can see there is a problem. But then there is a different problem, if bullying is very entrenched, then the bullies will all stay and everyone else will move on. Eventually they will accidentally employ a new bully. (people like employing people who are just like them) Such a person is likely to appeal to the entrenched bullies and so will get promoted quickly. And then will never leave, because the atmosphere is so supportive to bullying.
If there are manangers who have been there a long time then sadly you Often cannot prove there is bullying as often a long term bully thinks what they do is "normal".
I can recommend that you try to find on line the Chart version of Biderman's Chart of Coercion. As this will show what the bully does and what the reaction the bully expects from you. The trick is to NOT react as the bully expects. Though this is high stakes play and may end up getting you in more hot water. But does destablize the bully. But you can only hold back the bullying for so long, before you find your health and yoru sleep is affected. Before you find other workers shunning you and avoiding you so as to demonstrate "support" for the manager so that they too are not bullied. (Wrong the bully will bully anyone they feel like bullying)
One of the things that saved me, besides the Biderman's Chart of Coercion was maintaining strong links with all my friends. Going to the gym and keeping very fit. Keeping a (hidden/private/never brought to work) written daily diary in which I documented date/place/who present/what said/how I dealt with it and gave myself 5 stars for every time I was successful in keeping my self esteem intact and not allowing the bully to ruin my career. I still have those diaries, they will be retained by me always as my proof it happened (many people will try to negate your experience but you know when you are being treated less favorably than others).
I confide in my own family and in my very best friends. But those you work with are colleages, professional colleages, NOT friends. I do have a few colleages who I regard as friends, and they were always quietly supportive towards me and still are. But for their own protection I would never ever have wanted them to raise their hand in a meeting and criticize a bully in front of me for bullying me. I wanted to fight my own battles and they respected that. I thank that they were always quietly there for me supporting me in ways that did not come to the attnetion of the bullies. But good people like that are rare in a bullying situation.
And Yes I know why the bullies bully. Mostly due to their own inadequacy and their own insecurity. But stamping out a bullying culture is very very difficult and the push must come from the top. without that the workplace will remain miserable.
When you are being bullied you kid yourself if you think you have friends. Since those with no backbone melt into the atmosphere. And those with backbone either resign or keep their distance so that they are not 'tainted as being a friend of the bully. Only a rare few will have the courage to support you and usually it is covert support.
Quietly start looking for another job. Do not announce it. Do not seek a reference from the current crop of bullies.
Leave as quietly as possible, without fanfare. Even better if the bully does not know where your new work place is.
I will try to find some good links for you too and post them in a moment.
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