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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I work with an older woman and she is quite an honest person. But there is honesty , and then there is going too far. I don't understand what her issue can be with me. She's always criticising my hair. ( I have a few split ends, a lot of people do when they have long hair like mine) but she acts like it's the worst thing in the world, she says it really loud so the whole office hears. She criticises my skin , my make up ( which I wear very light now due to criticism that It was "too heavy" I wore make up to cover facial scars). She tells me I'm too skinny, That I have no bum or boobs (totally wrong), that I'm "boring" because I never go out partying and would rather spend time at home chilling with my boyfriend of 6 years(me and my boyfriend have never had a problem in those whole 6 years of constant company). She tells me that I have no right to ask for a payrise or a company car (I commute 4 hours a day) and that I'm too much of an "introvert".Everyday she scrutinises something I say or do or the way I look. Yet she happily calls all the other young ladies in the office "beautiful" and praises them for what they wear and likes all their photos all over facebook. (Which I have come off because she criticised my photos on there too, telling me I look wierd) .I am on a higher wage than her (I'm half her age) and I have a better job position in the company. I have a steady solid relationship, a happy home life with a hardworking well earning partner and we have both done brilliantly in our lives., she is divorced. She's constantly prying into my life. She criticises me when I talk about my goals and plans.Does this sound like she is jealous ? Or is this a form of bullying? How can I confront her about this?? because it's making me angrier everyday. It's getting worse too to the point I'm seeing all these flaws and going into my own shell at work. She is also distracting me a lot from my work, trying to make conversation too often and gossiping about people in the office. How do I tackle this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2015): Thank you for all your answers xxxx all brilliant suggestions, I will do these . I'm looking for a new role anyway as this job is so far from my home, but in the meantime I'm going to kill her with kindness and make her regret what she's said to me
A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (19 June 2015):
tell her shortly and sharply that if you wanted her opinion you would ask for it. There is no reason why she should be saying all this to you and she is clearly very jealous of you. Wear your makeup how you want it, and your hair etc and dont worry about her opinions. She has no business making those nasty remarks. Delete her off facebook or better still keep her as a friend but mark her as an acquaintance (go to her page and click on the "friends" button that has a drop down menu from the upside down triangle, top right side of page). This will confuse her as she will think that you simply are not putting anything new on facebook.
In future when she starts say "this isnt about work and if I wanted your opinion I would have asked for it". Please do assert yourself as you will just get more angry and feel like you will explode
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (18 June 2015):
 WHY give this woman a "Free Parking" place in your brain????
Ignore her..... do your job.... go home... and feel satisfied that YOU have quite the life that you want... and who gives a darn about her???????
Matters don't - and won't - change if you are able to determine if it's jealousy or bullying that motivates her...
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Kendle  +, writes (18 June 2015):
 Yes, I think it definitely sounds like jealousy. Have any of the other people in the office commented on the way she speaks to you? I would just tell her that whilst you appreciate her honesty, you would prefer her to keep her opinions to herself unless they are asked for. If you ask for her opinion then yes, great, you want honesty but the rest of the time, if she can't say anything nice then she shouldn't say anything at all.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (18 June 2015):
 If this woman is of no consequence to your job and carries no threats to it, then look for ways to minimize conversation with her. I'm sure you can anticipate her ramblings, so be preemptive and go away from her. If you must listen to her then answer something like "Right, nice story" or along that sarcastic reply that signals irrelevance of her comments. Develop such short, sarcastic and implicatively demeaning answers and use them on her without elaborating anything further. Don't waste your time wondering why she does what she does. Nobody cares at this point. In other words, just as she has conditioned you to have internal fits, reverse the table and you condition her to realize pointlessness of her speech. Her ramblings at you get fed by your reaction to what she says and that impact feeds her ego. So if you want to hit back, do exactly opposite of what she wants (Facebook, pics and all) and basically demean anything she says in a low level, sarcastic, short replies so that she can experience some internal fits on daily basis.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 June 2015):
 I DO think it's partly jealousy, and partly because you "let" her get away with this.
I get being honest, I try to stick to it with ALL things in life. BUT I don't go around picking apart other people. I have 3 daughters, my JOB as a mother (and woman) is to TEACH them to find their own voice, style, personality, but MOSTLY I sincerely believe it's my job to TEACH them to BE GOOD PEOPLE, DO GOOD THINGS and LOVE THEMSELVES (and each other) for WHO they are. I have a daughter who wanted to cut her waist long hair into a short hairdo, and while I DO think the longer hair looks "prettier" on her, I took her to the hair dresser and she got her short pixie cut - she look awesome, mostly because she OWNS her look and SHE is happy. SCREW what everyone else thinks !
I had a mom in my middle daughter's choir tell my daughter that her hair was way to frizzy and that she should straighten it... You know what she said back to this ADULT woman? I quite like my hair, I know it doesn't always do what I want it to do, but if I am happy with it, I think YOU should worry about other things in life than MY hair. She said it a polite manner, but at age 12 she is QUITE comfortable with NOT TAKING SHIT from anyone about her looks.
I suggest you start cutting her off when she starts on berating your looks or whatnot. Tell her she is allowed her opinion, but you don't want to hear it and if is does NOT pertain to WORK, there is nothing to discuss. SHE is not your stylist, she actually has NO RIGHTS to do what she does. DO it with GRACE, DO it with MANNERS. You know the saying "kill" her with kindness? That is exactly how you handle this lady, but don't let her get started on her critique.
And I would either de-friend her on FACEBOOK (or if you rather not do that to avoid drama - I get that) BLOCK her from looking at your pictures and feeds. MINIMIZE what she can see on your Facebook.
BUT OVER ALL, young lady... LOVE YOURSELF enough to never allow ANYONE to try and tear you down.
When she gossips at work POINT, it out to her. Tell her straight UP, I'm not interested in office gossip and I find it disrespectful and distracting. No more.
Get to know some of the other women at work, go to lunch with them and so forth (again avoid office gossip and drama) and BE a professional.
Remember she CAN NOT make you feel bad about yourself IF you LOVE who you are.
And don't forget there is an expression about opinions and a-holes (I'm sure you know it)... EVERYONE has one! Doesn't mean you HAVE to listen to it.
The last bit of advice I want to give you is common sense, but it's one of those things we are all GUILTY of doing (at some point in life) tearing other women down. DON'T do it. Whether it's behind her back or to her face, UNLESS she is ASKING for your opinion, there is NO NEED to tear down another woman. You know MORE teen girls "slut-shame" other girls than boys doing it. So don't tear other girls/women down - BUILD them up.
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