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female
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anonymous
writes: Was I right to leave? Last night my fiance and his roomates were up late drinking (he wasn't). After about an hour of them being loud, I just couldn't sleep (so was lying awake for about 3 hours). I told him that I was never able to sleep and he told me that he would tell his roommates to go downstairs. I told him not to because at the moment they weren't being loud. He wouldn't listen to me and told them to go downstairs. They obviously got mad, and I was just so frustrated and thought I could sleep better at my house which was an hour away granted I had to get up early. He didn't want me to drive because he said I wasn't in the state to, so he took my keys. I chased him into his office but he shut the door on my arm and wouldn't give me my keys. Then I called my friend that lived close by to pick me up and he took the phone from me. When she got there he still wouldn't give me my keys so she called the police. I never wanted it to escalate to that but he just wouldn't respect my decisions. I've tried to leave him so many times, and this was the final straw. His roommates feel bad and think it's their fault, but isn't this simply an unhealthy relationship and one that is meant to end?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 May 2007):
 If he was THAT concerned for you, why didn't he just call you a cab and pay for it himself? Or Drive you himself since he was not drinking? That is what I would have done.
You were right to want to leave, and if he really saw you not fit to drive, I could buy that.
What I do not buy is the whole, slamming door on your arm, then taking the phone away from you...etc...this is controling behavior that could easily escalte to violence. These are the early red flags battered women tend to rationalize away.
If it can not work NOW, with what should have been a simply enough situation, it will not work out later when things like family and children are on the line.
If you had to work the next day, where does he have to be, such that he can be up with his drinking friends keeping you awake?
Drop this relationship and find someone new.
-FBK
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wasn't drinking at all, and I don't think that I want to save this relationship because he does seem controlling. I know he didn't want me to drive late because I was tired and had a spare on my car, but he should have been more respectful when I wanted to sleep. I guess he was trying to help, but by turning his roommates against me I don't know how that helped. Yes, things did spiral out of control, but I think I just had it because I've broken up with him in the past for him saying I'm never affectionate enough, and the works. Just yesterday he was mad because I won't let him drive my car all the time. I guess it was just the final straw and I don't want to waste any more time, thinking it will get better, when it in fact gets worse each time.
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male
reader, sleepyhollow  +, writes (22 May 2007):
Sounds like a stupid situation that got out of hand. The two of you should sit down and discuss what happened and how to communicate if and when similar situations occur again.
I'm guessing that you were tired and somewhat irrational. However, the two of you probably also need to have a chat with his friends regarding them having respect for him and his home, and respect for you and your needs. Perhaps asking them to schedule their get-togethers ahead of time so that you can arrange to sleep at your own home on those nights.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2007): Not sure about this one. Had you been drinking? - because if you had he was right to take the keys. Were you very upset to the point that driving was a bad idea? Was he trying to calm you down when he took the phone off your friend? I think he should have supported you with your wish to go home and thanked your friend for coming to help. Maybe he was upset too and didn’t want you to leave. Did everything spiral out of control?
Consider the strength of your reaction and the events as they unfolded. Think about whether he usually tries to control you. Why have you tried to get out of this relationship before? If he is a controller get out of the relationship. If he was trying to help you rather than force you to do what he wanted, forgive him. It is impossible for us to know what the balance is, only you do.
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male
reader, DV1  +, writes (22 May 2007):
 If he took away your keys, he was doing it out of respect. He probably thought that you were too tired to drive, and wanted to keep you from having an accident. He obviously tried to rectify the situation by having his friends go downstairs, and you should be happy with him for that. If he made every effort to appease you, and it wasn't enough, the problem is you, not him. His pride probably felt a little bit injured, especially considering that he got the cops called on him for no reason at all. I can at least tell you that he's probably not going to feel safe knowing that he's always a phone call away from talking to the cops.
If you want to save the relationship, you need to step up and do some serious apologizing.
DV1
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