A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married 7 this year. We started dating when i was 15. My Husband is my best friend and love of my life. Until Nov. of last year our marriage was great really. We had our fights and my husband wasn't ever the sweetest or most romantic person you will ever meet but that was always him and I knew/know he loves me. Like I said in Nov. 2011 we started fighting and it never ended seemed like as soon as one thing was over something else came up. Here lately we started having better days even weeks. Then his credit card statement came in and he threw is away which was odd. So I went and logged in online found there was a fruit arrangement that was sent to this girl he went to school with. Happy Valentine’s day special. He denied it at first but I had already called the place where he purchased it. She still denies it. So he says that the moment after he did it he sent her a message on Facebook and told her what he did and he was sorry. He said that nothing ever happened with her. He thought if he hid it the problem would go away. He’s cried and begged me to stay says that we were fighting so much he was confused but now he knows how much he loves me and doesn’t want me to go. Is this an unforgivable mistake? Should I believe nothing happened? I want to forgive him but how. If I do how can I not throw it up in his face?
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (21 March 2012):
 I've always seen sudden changes, in behavior, as a major red flag. Almost always it points to cheating.....either emotionally or physically. I don't consider a basket of fruit to be so much of a romantic gift, it is more of a gustier of friendship, however, if it had been an innocent gustier of friendship, he would not have done it behind your back, and then felt the need to lie about it. You need to sit down, with him, and talk this out. Let him know that you truly love him, and you have every intention of moving past this, but you can't until you know the truth.
I am the queen of giving second chances. I don't believe that something like this has to end your marriage, if you are both willing to work it through. I believe a husband and wife, who really love each other, can overcome anything, as long as they are both on the same page, and working toward the same goal of saving their marriage.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2012):
 You say you fought a lot back in November non-stop, and then things just started getting better for days and weeks until you saw a credit card statement?
What if the fighting was BECAUSE of his affair with her, rather than the fighting driving him to see her? That's a huge symptom, non-stop fighting caused by one spouse seeking elsewhere. They get annoyed by home life, and their distance causes fights.
In that case, he might be telling the truth that it's over, but that doesn't let him out of telling you exactly what sparked the relationship, where it went, how far it went, if he's still in communication, and so on. Fighting ENDING is also a way to signal the start of a physical relationship, meaning he might be trying to throw you off.
Either way, loving him does NOT mean you put your head in the sand. Fear does that, not love. Tell him that in order to move past this, you want full disclosure, meaning no question is answered falsely, and any sign of evasion should be confronted, not avoided.
If you don't do this, you will not get past this. If you love him, you must do what you can to confront him and ask him the questions you are afraid to. Find out why the fighting was happening for starters. Find out the *day* he got back into contact with her.
I strongly believe that it wasn't the fighting that drove him away. It was the fighting CAUSED by his cheating heart to try to subconsciously drive you away and make him less the bad guy.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 Poster: I can believe you love this man like you can't love anyone else, but that doesn't mean there may be more to the story.
Sometimes we choose to disbelieve what we see because we love the person who did it. But that doesn't change facts.
I think you need to know what happened, and then make your decision. You may still decide to stay with him even if there wsa more than they both accept.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDid the fighting drive him away. I never gave it a break.. It was always something.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe said it wasn't a Valentines Day gift per say it just happen to be around that time and it was the special. I want to believe him and more on so bad. I can't explain how much I love this man.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (20 March 2012):
You Wish is absolutely right. If he comes and tells you "the truth", check if "the truth" actually checks out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 March 2012):
 You Wish is right, there is more to this story. He didn't just randomly send some girl a Valentines Day gift. He knew her from somewhere, and somewhere along the lines he got a connection of sorts with her and began to view her romantically. The gift is the result of what happened... the gift isn't "all" that happened, the gift is just the last thing in a long line of things that happened. I mean what lead up to that point? Nothing? He randomly saw a girl he randomly sent a Valentines gift to? Nuh-uh. There was something going on there that lead up to this gift idea of his.
And, rather than deal with the problems at home he went looking for another woman...
I think that as for now you need to keep a little bit of a distance and not go either way. Don't forgive just yet, but don't break it off just yet either. Take your time, think about it, and get to the bottom of what happened. Once you see the full picture you might want to make a different decision than now that you only see one part of the picture.
Not seeing the whole picture, or knowing the full truth, you might imagine things to be worse than they really are. But, you might also imagine things to be not as bad as they really are. So I think your aim right now should be to get as much information as possible and then make your decision based on that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): If you love eachother and you want to make it work then no.its not unforgivable but he needs to understand that what he did was hurtful nd he needs to give you time to regain your trust in him. Relationships start to break down when communication is poor, if there are problems nip them in the bud before they develope propperly and hopefully it wont come down to that next time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 March 2012):
There's more to this story, and the only way you can get past it is if he stops lying to you, shows you all communication between her and him, and works on rebuilding trust with you.
While nothing sexual may have happened, he was having an emotional affair. Ask him how he would feel if you had the same kind of contact with another man that he was having with this woman.
I think he hasn't told you the whole truth, and if he really wants to keep you, he should fully disclose everything, because not many guys out of the blue send flowers/fruit without any sort of communication.
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