A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:So i had an affair. lots of reasons, no point getting into it, but rest assured there were reasons.First/last time I'll do it. But i realized i waited for as (held out) long as i did, because i wasnt really looking for an affair but to move on (i just didnt know it)9 months laterNow im in love and she's in love, but recently has become really overcome with guilt, then after a few weeks of this, (she started to hint about things 'I had a big fight with my bf, i nearly quit him' .... told me of a colleaque who quit his own wife to be with a girl he met at the office, saying ''see, the office is a wonderful place to find lovers''so i came clean and told her, i wanted more. her words were 'but im happy with him' but her kiss... she melted in my mouth afterwards...a few weeks later, she stopped the affair, said it wasnt 'fun' anymore (its true but it was inspired by her to probe for depth) (or so i thought)a few days later she tells a friend of hers, first time she has talked to anyone about usi pulled back, she was relieved. i then casually explained WHY i had offered her more.. (the hints) she said 'i feel so sorry for my words.....'THEN proceeds to tell me in the third person : "he wont be happy with his choice in a few years, will see he made a mistake'' .. "we would fight a lot you and I as well" ... "you dont KNOW me or my habits you maybe wouldnt like them".... so im seeing this as FINALLY she is 'exploring' the idea.. 'hypothetically' ... so i address each area eloquently and beautifully (if i dont say so myself) imho..she responds to the 'praise' email, i lavish on her (to show her, ''no im not gonna be thinking i made a mistake, you are amazing..bla bla)a week goes by and i send her some rather strong emails just attempting to 'follow' thru on the hypothetical aspects she gave me... i phrase it in past tense ''i could have offered'' to meet all your needs in the one man, vs having to have two men like you do now, clearly something is not being met there...its 'strong medicine' and it dont go down that well.but thats the point of it..she said 'but i love him! what i feel for you is not the same as him. i dont want to be your girlfriend, ever'((sounds harsh))that night, i get a text ''ok its over. he left me. i told him i cheated. i couldnt live with it any more''the following day ''it wont change anything between us. please forget me. enjoy your weekend. im at my folks house. good night''.... so i ask you.... what do i make of her actions?what girl 'admits' (shes not a bimbo, shes intellectual and KNOWS what would happen)is this a way for her to exit (where she may not have the strength) the relationship, and 'trial' me for a proper relationship? (preserving some dignity and at the same time anything that starts up now, wont be 'from an affair')...??
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you ladies. that helps! ...since this post, ive met again, after a dozen different sms exchanges (light hearted /etc / also encouraging about 'if he doesnt know how lucky he is to get you back/etc (to sort of soften my more direct message which confronted her) and our meeting was nice and uplifting (no serious stuff) -- she said she wants him back grrr. i was looking to ask her out again, and before she came back with an eventual night, i just 'eh. you know what? dont answer me. if your trying to reconcile, its best i be a gentleman seeing me will only make things complicated again. if you remain single and want to date me, CALL me. asta la vista'what i got back, was a mix, but no real class ''ive always known who my true love was, ive just thot i wasnt fair to mix my feelings for you and those i have for him, even if they werent the same... its up you you, i dont think seeing you as a friend would be complicated at all''grrr, it strikes me quite odd that the type of replies and treatment i get are 'galaxy's apart' from the 'love'/chase emails/connection i shared in the first 3months - even tho english is not her primary language, there is just nothing gracious being sent back.im glad i walked away 'before finding out about her_n_bf' (im not second class, left overs) .. i left the last meeting with her commenting i seemed 'happy' (good!) , and i cut short the time (no whining for this little black duck) rather than trying to 'eek out every last minute'...its a shame because she is the 3rd girl in my rel. young years! that i have fallen in love with, and thot it could really have been super special. i didnt rush into it, thot i was careful (measuring interest, not materialistic, not a slut, nice girl-just-missing-something-at-home, like me, etc) ... and that all may have been true, but what emerged in the final months was someone else...i also wonder skeptically 'if she REALLY did tell him she cheated. maybe she used that as an excuse to force a 'look im single, and im STILL not gonna date you: i would rather pretend to be chasing HIM' .... does that happen??
A
female
reader, Lilly Rose  +, writes (9 June 2009):
 She sounds like she likes the excitement of two men, a game player! You need to get as far away from this women, she doesnt care for you as if she had true feelings she would of left her bf for you, or when she did break up she would of got with you, shes messing you around prob just likes the attention you give her and the control she has, move on get a nice girl who will be 100% yours and you know exactly where you stand! Lifes to short to be wasting time on someone who doesnt actually want you!
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (8 June 2009):
 From my own experience I would say she's trying to break away from you because she truly doesn't want to be your "girlfriend" or for you two to be anything more than what you are now. She loves your attention and affection and doesn't want to lose those aspects of the relationship, as they are probably the reasons she's even having an affair to start with. She wants the affair to be fun and no longer has control of it, her emotions, or your emotions. Feeling out of control in a situation like this is very scary, so she's doing something to get control back, even if that means ending the affair. I think she just wants the fun affair back and does not want to be with you as anything more than that. If you could bring the fun back then you would probably bring her back, but it's probably still not going to be anything more than an affair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): i got lost somewhere here. what am i not getting. is it that you are married. she had a bf. she broke if off with him. gave you the green light and then had cold feet. now you are in limbo. sorry, but i am lost with your post. i know i sound very stupid but i just don't understand what you wrote.
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