A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I'm a married woman who's been having an affair with my coworker for 8 months now. My husband and I have a fake relationship, we pretend to be happy and try to do things together for the kids sake. But as soon as we disagree on something we blow up and it turns into a huge fight I think we just have so much hate and resentment built up towards one another. This other man I'm seeing is very sweet and a good person, the affair was initiated by me. I was so broken hearted by the lies and disrespect that my husband showed me. I tried to go.to.counseling with my husband but he would never agree. He said nothing was wrong. So, I sought out my coworker (Joe) for sex and attention, I wanted to cheat. I chased after him, Joe constantly told me how beautiful I was but how morally wrong this was, I didn't care I wanted to cheat. He finally gave in. Since then we see each other once a week for sex. I know Joe's developed feeling for me but he won't express them to me, he shuts down and tries to detach himself from me trying to keep it sexual but then at the same time he wants me to visit his family w/out my ring. I feel like I'm falling in love with him, but I know this isn't a good relationship because it started off horribly as an affair. I'm so.confused, I've never cheated on anyone before. This is a mess, I don't know if this affair is just a phase in my life. Or if I should come clean to my husband. This has gone on for too too long.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 January 2014):
 Actually you're doing your kids a disservice by continuing a fake home. And you're really doing them a disservice by cheating and bringing in a third party into it. If you're here looking for justification or validation, it's not going to happen from me.
Any cheater makes up excuses and justifies doing what is wrong. If you are in such a horrible marriage now, you need to end it and stop living a lie. Any affair will feel good because it is ILLICIT, but once it sees the light of day, it will change. This co-worker is interested in the sex he gets from you, and all of the wanting you to meet family stuff is just to keep you in his bed. I know this because he keeps getting distant. Watch what happens if you make actual relationship demands on him...reality and fantasy are two different things.
He also knows with his eyes wide open what you do when things get difficult. Your trust is shattered with him because he knows the words of love you told your husband, and that cheating if your way of avoiding things.
End your marriage. Seriously. If your husband were here, would he say the same thing, that your relationship is fake and if not for the kids you'd be apart, or would he be devastated you're stepping out on him?? It's funny when the truth is exposed, people run like cockroaches from doing what's right because of the impact of their decisions.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2014): You forfeited the right to claim you are doing anything for the good of your children once you cheated on your husband. That is 100% bad for the kids.
So with that excuse removed, why are you still keeping this from your husband? Because you don't respect him enough not to use and fool him.
Its time to come clean and/or divorce.
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (3 January 2014):
It's pointless staying in an unhappy marriage,you and your husband should split up even if you do have kids.You'll find out what kind of man Joe is after you divorce.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): You are living a lie,and claiming it to be for the sake of your children. How is cheating on your husband; morally or logically better than divorcing him?
All this would be so much less complicated, if you'd just end your marriage and begin the process of rebuilding your separate lives. If you have kids over the age of 10, they are far wiser to what's going on than you think. They tend to snoop and find out things you couldn't imagine. Only a fool would doubt me on this one.
Living a make-believe marriage will damage your children when the truth comes to light. Every grimy detail, will come to light. You have to live with every dirty deed you do, and carry it on your conscience for the rest of your life.
Your children will learn of your affair; it may be sooner than later. Your husband will use it as psychological leverage; as most betrayed and bitter husbands do. That will destroy your relationship with your children. I hope that matters.
Find a good lawyer. Begin the legal and emotional process.
Free yourself, and detach from an unhappy marriage. Preserve your dignity and your children's respect.
I will not judge you. However; you're more than old enough to know right from wrong. You will send the worst message directly to the ones who mean the most to you in this world.
Your children.
Notice I mentioned them over and over. I did that on purpose.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2014):
 You should come clean. You are not being fair to Joe, your husband, yourself OR your kids.
Then after that you need to figure out what to do. My advice consider divorce, your marriage sounds like it's been over for a long time.
Cheating is never a good way to fix a broken marriage and not matter what kind of excuses you toss out there, YOU still did it with any concern for anyone but you.
Don't expect Joe to wait for you with open arms after the marriage is over though. He might not want to BE with a cheater when it comes down to it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 January 2014):
If you're that unhappy in your marriage, then you need to end it. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you happy, and you and he would both do better to move on. It just degrades you and your husband to continue with an affair, and a sham marriage. End the marriage, enjoy the rest of your life.
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