A
female
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anonymous
writes:A guy is dumped by his wife who tells him she has never really loved him, and whilst he is stinging over that, his temporary assistant is there (unhappy in her marriage), mopping up his tears. She has to return home 1000 miles away so he tries to fill the loneliness meeting new people and new friends of which I am one. In the absence of ex wife to be, and distant new love, we become intense friends and very dependent on each other emotionally (I had left my husband 6 months before). I enjoy his company very much, but he feels he loves the woman 1000 miles away as they developed a 'connection' and plan to get together when her divorce is tidied up. He chooses to stay to support his own adult son for a couple of years so they both plan to keep a relationship by phone for a couple of years. Whenever he is sad, needs someone to listen etc. he phones me, we spend long evenings talking together, going out etc. In the meantime I have grown to feel I love him, and although he treats me with respect and is honest about his feelings for this other woman, is it realistic to last, or am I most likely in for a heartache and disappointment. I know no one can predict the future, but I hoped some men out there maybe able to offer their own experience on this, or give me some insight into how this guy's mind is working, to 'save' himself for someone he has only met twice in the last year.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): Hop into bed with him. Shakes things up and you might have some fun anyway.
If you wait for him to lead on it may never happen. he may not even know you are interested in anything other than friendship, he might consider you out of his league etc.
So I say as a man - go have a roll in the hay.
Enjoy.
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (18 December 2007):
It's really sad that you find yourself in such a situation but always remember that you can't force a horse to drink water even if you took it to the river but take comfort that he values your company and it's possible that with time he'll open up to love you.Also realise that he's emotionally disturbed by the ex wife and it'll take some time to find his feet,emotionally.Be there for him as a friend and see what the future holds.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (18 December 2007):
 "although it tears me up, I would rather keep his friendship........... because I would like more."
Which translated means, I am in pain but I am going to live in hope and be in pain for longer.
Hey it's your choice. I'm just trying to help you see things differently. Good luck,
Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you Richard. It is easier to see the gaps in how I describe my situation when I read your suggestion. I was actually feeling very vulnerable and has no intentions of meeting anyone, but we were online friends, and by intense, I mean messaging every day and developing a rapport and trust that has continued since he helped me out of my shell a little. It was during that time that he was realising how he felt for the other person and made it clear to me that anything more than friendship was not an option so it would spoil what I get out of the friendship now to say anything. Also, by stating how I feel knowing how he feels (and she does believe she loves him, it is his ex wife who never loved him) may only drive him away, and we are very supportive to each other in every way except we have no physical relationship. We do hug each other and cry with each other, phone each other up when we want company or advice, emotional support etc, BUT he talks one day that he will be able to go to be with her, then the next day he talks of buying or renting long term near where he is accessible to his adult children. If ever he knows I am low, he is always there for me and although it tears me up, I would rather keep his friendship long term than lose him because I would like more. The other person is also 14 years younger than him, not that it makes any difference, but she has young children she wants to keep near their father so bringing them to my friend is not an option. I feel that to break a relationship off just because he is not in love with me is a bit short-sighted because this other relationship may not work out, and since he is around for year at least, I should just enjoy what we do have as he is the best friend I have ever had in spite of everything.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (18 December 2007):
Hi - sounds like you love him and he loves her; he doesn't love you and she doesn't love him. Or is that an over simplification?
Does he know what your feelings are? You described it as 'intense friends.' Is that your view or his? Why not tell him how you feel, or are starting to feel and see what his response is? That's what you need to know isn't it? If he's not interested, don't hang around hoping, wishing for some sudden change, it's just a waste of time, and does your self esteem no good at all.
As for insight into how his mind is working, sorry, no I don't have that. But you will have an indication if you tell him your feelings. What I can tell is you is some guys don't see any 'interested' signs unless it's put on the table in front of them.
Richard
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