A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I’m 45 and have had two children and my body isn’t what it used to be of course and I suspect that my husband is lusting after a younger woman really, really bad. My husband keeps comparing me to younger women and makes comments like “you used to look like that” (referring to a Victoria Secret ad), and “your hips are to wide“, and “your breast hang to low“, and “you need to lose weight” (even though HE has a beer gut), and the ever favorite “ever heard of Kegals?” This hurts my feelings really bad especially when I found photos he had taken of his 27 year old bartender (in skin tight jeans with some of her breast showing) on our computer. He said he was helping her out for a sexy bartender contest, and that is why they were alone in the bar. He goes to the bar every night and some nights he stays out all night and calls me and tells me he is playing cards with some friends (met so called friends, but they acted kind of strange around me and didn’t say much and just kind of avoided me). He also disappears every Sunday with power tools saying he is working on somebody’s house (won’t tell me who when I ask). I know he has a huge thing for some twenty something girl (maybe her) and I confronted him about it. Of course he said that he was just helping out a friend. Usually I would meet these friends he was talking about helping (always used to be male), but not this one. My question is: Is this a phase that most men go through at mid-life or is he just being a complete cheating jerk?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008): Dear Poster
I see red lights flashing.
I have empathy with you and understand your confusion and hurt. All to often the bad behavior of guys are excused and accepted as "midlife"; PLEASE don't try and find excuses to justify his bad behavior towards you.
He is breaking down your self confidence and self esteem; you have allowed it until now, BUT NO LONGER. It is time you stand up for yourself and either he get a wake up call and start treating you with respect and dignity (not to mention love and care) or he will be the person writing to this site crying in time to come.
You don't deserve such abuse behavior and lack of respect; now stop allowing him to turn his guilt towards you by making you feel bad about yourself and thinking that it you are the reason why he might mess around or cheat; NO, if he wants to mess around and cheat, (we have no proof, but enough reason to suspect), well then stop stressing about why? As no reason is acceptable for his behavior.
I want to help you, but will need your full co-operation in this; OKAY?
Go stand in front of the mirror, have a good look at yourself and give yourself a hug; tell yourself: "I love myself and I am at peace with myself"; say it a few times loud, whilst looking yourself in the eye.
Arrange with him to please come home early one night you have something important planned; maybe even go out to a place to eat (then there are others around and hopefully he will not 'perform' to much in public); have a good talk to him and tell him that you are not happy about his behavior, explain to him that his comments are hurting you; that you feel neglected when he spends so much time at the bar, with his friends and sometimes not even coming home(tell him that staying out all night must stop).
Give him time to talk; listen very carefully to what he is saying;
If need be suggest you both go for counseling(he might refuse); then let it be; If possible, I suggest you start individual counseling and work on those feelings of hurt, the insecurities and the SELF ESTEEM.
If he is not making an effort in the following days (after your talk) to come home earlier, have another chat, nothing in detail, but just mention that you will be going out with friends. Then start going out with friends, (but please here I am warning you to be cautious, go with female friends and behave well, as he might follow you or check up on you); start doing things that you enjoy and that enrich your life. Do a make over if need be, change your hair(I am not implying that there is anything wrong with you, but a make over, does often create attention and make the partner realize, vow, what is going on)do your make up and start paying attention to yourself FOR YOURSELF.
Try the above, with counseling; if there is no change in his behavior (which trust me there will be, for the better or the worse) you need to reconsider the future of this marriage.
Start thinking about your life; you are important and you deserve better; you need to be happy to make those around you happy. Stop allowing him to do this to you!
Best wishes, be strong and take control of your life.
Lots of smiles to you and keep us posted.
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 December 2008):
 Men of all ages (save for some who don't know any better) will always love 27 to 47 year olds. His noticing other women is not a phase all men go through. Or, it is; we all have a strong desire for women built into ourselves. We can't avoid it.
What you're presenting here is a different thing. It's a man who is hurting you on purpose and who might have something with that 27 year old.
I don't think you should tolerate any "comments" like those. We all age, and we all lose abilities we had, and the moment comes when we don't look like we used to. So what? Is that a reason to hurt us?
The difficult part is what to do about this. I have my suspicion that he does have something with the girl, at least a strong interest, but there's no proof. And then you would need to think what to do if he really has something with her.
What I would urge you to do is tell him that he could keep his opinions about your body to himself. Perhaps add that he isn't what he used to be, either, but you don't go around telling him that all the time. Ask him what he expects you to do and whether he's happy with you as you are. Something like that. He should react.
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