A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, my wife and I have been married for 3 years now. I know masturbation is a normal and natural thing, but I hate when she does it. Like, the other nite I could tell she started when we went to bed...So I tried to be a part of it because I don't think you should just masturbate in front of your partner while you are laying in bed TOGETHER. Anyways, I started to participate, help her, whatever you want to say and she seemed more occupied with herself than me. And I even vocalized during it that I wanted to have sex and she actually ignored me and continued doing it for a few minutes. I am very insecure and I always think the worst out of every situation, but this really bothered me. It almost seemed like she would have rather been doing it alone than be stimulated in any way by me. Am I crazy or would ther people feel the same way in this type of situation? I even asked her about it the next day and she said "no, you weren't bothering me"...but I really felt I was. Is this a normal thing for people to do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Dude...chill... Who cares if she wants to knock one out sometimes. Maybe just watch. I bet you'll find it a big turn on. Her taking care of business has zero to do with you. You are really over reacting here...
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 May 2012):
 "It almost seemed like she would have rather been doing it alone than be stimulated in any way by me." Well, perhaps she wanted to feel a certain way and knew that you wouldn't be happy with the situation?
And to continue, if you are feeling insecure about yourself and your relationship at age 30-35, it's time to figure out why. Either get some counseling or open your mind and do some personal growth exercises. Cut out the crappy food choices, do some aerobic exercise and weight training workouts. Stop smoking, if you do smoke. Try a bit of yoga or meditation to connect with yourself. I think your fears and worries will look a bit different if you try these things.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 May 2012):
I think your wife was sending you a little message. She was saying, "Hey, it's time to put me first. You think that sex is all about you. Guess what, I have my own needs and I'm not going to veer off achieving my own pleasure right now.
"Anyways, I started to participate, help her, whatever you want to say and she seemed more occupied with herself than me." Well, that was her point, it was about HER, she wasn't pleasuring you because she'd decided it was her turn. I think that may indicate that you've been ignoring that aspect of lovemaking for her
"And I even vocalized during it that I wanted to have sex and she actually ignored me and continued doing it for a few minutes." This means she was doing what she wanted and didn't want to have intercourse right at that moment. Again, it is an indication that you may need to focus on what she wants when you two are intimate again.
You don't 'like' it when your wife does what you call a 'natural and normal' thing. I think what may be happening here is that your wife is sending you a big message. She's not happy with your sex life as you seem more focused on your ego and your pleasure than hers.
Pay attention. This is an opportunity for you if you to improve your intimacy just recognize that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): "I can only do so if I don't supplement what she's doing"
Sorry 'don't' shouldn't be in that sentence.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): My girlfriend does that sometimes. I don't mind at all, it's her bed too she can do what she likes.
Now as far your wife goes masturbation is a sole act, if she wanted sex she would have initiated, she isn't masturbating as a sexual act but as release, the same way we do. It's fast, efficient way to achieve an orgasm and sleeping afterwards is exceptionally easy.
OP if your sex life is a good one and she's not choosing masturbation over having sex with you too often, which by the way refusing your advances wasn't, then I don't see the problem as long she's not waking you up or anything.
"It almost seemed like she would have rather been doing it alone than be stimulated in any way by me."
Of course she did. Masturbation takes focus, she's already started, she just wants to have a quick dose of pleasure and if she adds you to the mix it disrupts her rhythm. You know how it is when you're focused on a task and someone offers to help but you're in the zone, focused, you're doing it and you don't want that other persons help because it won't be more efficient and it won't make things go quicker and you're nearly done anyway, they'd just be a distraction. That's all that happened.
It's really not about you OP I mean surely you've masturbated while your wife was in the house right? Not because you were particularly horny but you just wanted to pop one out. This is that, the only difference is you were in the bed next to her.
If your problem is she didn't let you join in that once then don't take it personally. If this a recurring problem of you initiating sex before she masturbated and her choosing that instead that's a problem.
If my girlfriend is masturbating then she only wants to pleasure herself and it's nothing to do with me and that's her prerogative, I like to "help" too sometimes. But I fully understand I can only do so if I don't supplement what she's doing not try to take over and add myself to the equation, so I will caress her body and stimulate her "zones" without getting in the way.
As far as doing it in the bed, where else is she supposed to do it at that time? In the bathroom, on the floor? The bed is the most comfortable place.
If you really have a problem with it talk to her.
But my advice is, let it slide, it has nothing, nothing at all to do with you in any way. She was just having a quick flick before she goes to sleep. If she does it again, just touch her the places she likes, try and enhance her pleasure and when she's done give her a kiss and say good night, maybe have a cuddle.
If it's having a negative effect on your sex life discuss that with her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): I think its pretty rude of her to pleasure herself in front of you without allowing you to do anything. If you are doing that in front of someone, the rules change and the moment immediately becomes an intimate one. The partner usually wants to partcipate or it is very easy to feel left out and even unwanted like youre saying.
Do you masturbate on your own? Have you ever done it with her? How does she feel about you doing it?
Try and explain to your wife that if shes going to do that in your bed, then she needs to have some regard for your feelings. If she insists she wants to do it alone, then I dont see why she cant do just that: alone, when youre not there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): I think sometimes it's hard for people to reach orgasm unless they concentrate very hard, and maybe you were doing too much and it was distracting her. Next time, maybe just kiss her and touch her without doing too much else. Wait til she's finished, and then ask her for sex.
My advice is based on the premise that you really weren't bothering her and she's telling the truth...
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