A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dont know where to start. I am from South America and I emigrated to USA 8 years ago, I studied got a degree.I have a good job and support myself , single no kids. I met an Iraqi guy 2 years ago, hes younger by 8 years. He came legally, so the point is not about green card.passport issues. We started as a friends after we became very close and decided we are together. Being with him I started to know about his culture and I know I myself started to change. I used to go out with girl friends: that was/is reduced from 100 to 10. I used to drink, not a lot, but socially drink with my friends, that is done, I have not had contact nor communication with any male, just with the male that I work with and it is purely professional but nothing outside, no pictures about myself in social media, that is done also. I am honest with myself I dont feel bad to make those changes at all, I started to learn his language and he introduced me to his people here in the USA so I could learn a lot of them.I became so close to him that I never missed again what I did before. It was lets say for 1 year and a half. Everything suddenly changed 6 months ago.He started to spend less and less time with me, he just go out with his male Iraqi friends every single weekend while I am at home alone. I am studying online so I am busy but before he used to spend time with me, cooking together, watching movies, even go for dancing. Everything is gone and I feel so sad and used. I told him how I am feeling and he told me that woman should not go outside at night and woman should stay at home. I said why you didn't talk about this before? He says I am not his girlfriend I am his woman, that in his culture girlfriend does not exist and is earthier a hooker or wife nothing between. I know and have met all his male friends some are married some are single they are very respectful to me but I see they all behave the sameThey all go outside every single weekend, for party, play billiard pool, drink, and there are no woman ever involved in those gatherings. When some woman attend those meetings they are just random woman but not any of the partners/spouses of the guys, the ones that are married never ever take wife/partner to the meetings. My question, I made those changes myself and I felt very happy and never missed my past life, I felt loved and yes my friends told me i am crazy but i was very happy because hes lovely and caring, but he changed. He changed, not in the way he treats me because in 2 years he never treated me bad verbally or physically, but the way he behaves is just something that i never expected and i am wandering if some one has experienced something like that?? thanks in advance.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 July 2016):
 Well, yes, as Serpico mentions, the age gap may also be another difficulty. Although, interestingly enough, in Muslim cultures quite less so than in the Western world.
Khadija, first wife of Mohammed, prophet and founder of Islam, was 14 years older than him :).
And if the bride comes from a prestigious , well-to- do family, or from within a certain social circle ( like a first or second cousin, the daughter of an old friend of the groom 's family ) , or if she has a special reputation for being particiurly pious, serious and obedient... they will easily " forgive " her for being 5, 6 ... X years older.
Which makes sense because their marriage is based on different principles and assumptions. You don't marry to show off your wife to your friends and make them envious, in fact they won't even see her probably. You don't marry to grant yourself hot kinky sex every day.
You marry to build / reinforce social and economical bonds within families and community, to gain status and recognition ( socially, a married man is more valuable than a bachelor. Being single is not a glamorous status that gets you jealous looks from other men . It's the opposite, as long as you are a bachelor, nobody really takes you seriously or pays you much attention ) , and, most of all, to have children and raise a famuly.
And here's the catch. Since many Muslims marry sort of early, it's not so bad if the groom is 21 and she is 26, or even 25 and 30.
But, if you are already 40 and he is 32 ?... Hmm. This guy acts Westernized, yes, he is in no hurry to settle down apparently,.... but when and if he will, mark my words, he will want a woman of child bearing age.
So the age difference may be the thing, or another thing, that basically got you excluded from the race before you could even join it.
A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (13 July 2016):
Without even getting into cultural things, the cold honest truth is a relationship where a man who is 8 years younger than a woman is almost always doomed to failure.
Why? Simple biology and the realities of the sexual market. Men are generally attracted to youth and beauty. Women are generally attracted to confidence, ability to provide/protect, and stability. A cruel trick of nature is at about the age of 30, a woman's market value will start to decline, while a man's will start to increase. With that, say you are 40 right now and he's 32. In ten years, you will be 50. He will be 42 and just starting his prime earning years. If he is in shape and has anything on the ball, he would easily be able to attract a 30 year old woman - someone fully 20 years younger than you. Ergo, there is a reason you so often see successful older guys with attractive younger women, and not so often the converse.
Sorry to be so blunt, but these are the realities of the dating market.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (12 July 2016):
 Quite frankly, it was easy to see that this is what he'd expect of you. What he expects of you isn't the life you want. Going drinking and clubbing isn't a big thing to grow out of at your age, but you'd be giving up your free lifestyle. Leave him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 July 2016):
There are no common law wives in Iraq. There are no common law wives in Islam.
The concept itself does not exist.
There's only " halal" ( pure, allowed ) and " haram "
( impure, forbidden ).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2016): I'm not totally convinced that he views you as a hooker. Maybe he views you as his common-law wife?In any case, it sounds like you are not happy, and that he is committed to his way of life, so you should leave him.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, mishi 1 +, writes (10 July 2016):
 Hi there, I am sorry you are going through that situation.
I read about Islam religion. Unfortunately,
The Muslims don't follow their religion. They follow their culture.
In their culture men is more important then women.
Women has to follow their men.
The men has their own rules.
My advice is stay away from that guy.
He will give you more headache once you will marry him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 July 2016):
 I couldn't have written it better than Cindy, so I am not even going to try.
I don't understand why.... you would "date" a guy who think there are only 2 groups of women.. hooker and wives. Because he blatantly called YOU a hooker by default. He sees NO future with you.
While I do think it CAN be a cultural thing, I think it's more than "just" that. It's you changing your whole life for a man and it's him dating you, even when he knows he sees no future with you. It's you giving up your identity to be with a man (regardless of his background).
It's not just Muslim cultures, a friend of mine's daughter dated a guy from India, who was studying in the US. They talked future, she was learning his language, about his culture, how to cook food even... and after 2 years together he goes home for a "vacation" and comes back married, still wanting to "date" her.
Now again, not all guys from different cultures living in the US/Europe will date outside their own "cultural circle" but some will. And I do think, most of these will return to their own "cultural circle" when it comes time to be in "serious" relationships such as marriage.
He is a bad BF with little respect for you, regardless of his ethnic and cultural background.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 July 2016):
 He told you everything that you need to know about how he sees his relationship with you when he told you: "girlfriend does not exist and is earthier a hooker or wife nothing between." Since you are not his wife, then you must be a hooker to him. That is why he calls you "his woman" because pimps are the ones who own hookers.
Knowing that he has these views because of his religion does not change your situation. If this was me, I'd break this up ASAP, stay single for a while then find someone whose religion has respect for a woman who is working hard to be educated and a contributing member of society. I see no future in this relationship that you are having.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2016): He called you a who're.
"women are wives or whores" he hasn't married you, he thinks if you S easy sex until he marries. Get out now.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (9 July 2016):
Posts like yours always get my goat. They irk me big time.
Proviso : I respect profoundly ANY religion, any belief, any culture. Including those I don't understand or approve of.
People have any right to practice their religion and follow their traditions and live by their customs and cultural rules ( as long as they don't clash with the laws of their hosting country ). To me it's like Voltaire said " I do not approve what you say, but I will defend your right to say it , should it cost me my life ".
This when they are real. Honest. In good faith. Coherent.
Your " bf " is a bit like when in USA they called an " Oreo " guys who acted black outside but were white inside.
He is a fake.
I.e. ; sure. He is a Muslim, and many Muslim societies ( not all ) are male dominated ,conservative and patriarchal. Women's lib is not a goal for them , nor gender equality a value. Both religion and culture promote and support the idea of a woman as lesser human being than a man, someone who has been made to assist , help, comfort the man, and follow his rules. Which often, although not always, translates exactly into the kind of habits, behaviours and marital relationships which you mention.
( And btw to me , pardon me but it's unbelievable that this comes like such a big shock to you. I mean, you are a studemt, don't you READ ? )
BUT : do you want to follow the Shari'a ? Ok, then do it, and do what good, fervent, sincere Muslims do.
They do not date, to begin with. They do not have casual sex . They do not go dancing or playing pool. They do not
" hang out " with single unaccompanied women. They do NOT drink,ever !
It is true that in many Muslim cultures ( ... well, as for that in many cultures, tout court ) men tend to spend time among themselves, there's no much need or use for socializing with females. But you know what they do in their free time ? They pray and study the Quran,, they talk business, they visit their families, they eat big dinners , they read or watch allowed Tv programs, they volunteer for their charities, they play allowed games, and other stuff, but surely....
They don't go clubbing and getting drunk and, quite possibly, tryng to pull naive chicks like yourself !
You bf is a bully and an hypocrit. It's even funny, he lives like a totally Westernized, secular American boy- but wants you to live like a devote , pious Muslim wife !!
If you accept it... sorry , only yourself to blame.
It does not take so long to see that 2 plus 2 does NOT make 4 in your situation, and that you sorted a very short straw.
Plus, forget about the culture clash- suppose he were from your town, your own neighborhood. He is still ignoring you, he is still neglecting you, he is still disrespecting you !!
Do you know how you want and deserve to be treated, do you know what you need to get out of a relationship ?
If you know that (... apparently you don't ? ) what difference does it make if the person who screws you over is Iraqi or Eskimo or Native-American , or from New Jersey ?! He is a disaster of a bf and you are being used and humiliated.
Oh, and if you are so patient and compliant in the hope that your good natured efforts will be rewarded with marriage- they won't. He basically told you : you are nobody. He does not feel he has moral or social obligations toward you, you are his "good times" girl. Good enough to go with when he wants some carefree fun. When the time for fun will be over, and he will want / have to get serious and settle down- no, it won't be with you.
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