A
female
age
36-40,
*otreadyet87
writes:I’m still very confused about what happened…. We’ve been together for just about 6.5 years. He’s my first everything. While, I’m like his 8th girlfriend—but longest relationship. We both are crazy in love with each other, but the relationship has been unhealthy. First of all I suffer from depression, low self esteem and I don’t love myself. This has made me very clingy, insecure, emotional and passive aggressive.. His issues are that he is completely unhappy with where he is in life—he has a drinking problem, pot problem, chain smoker, lives at home at 25(he lost everything including his place and car over the last few years). This coupled up with the fact that we come from two completely different backgrounds has made our relationship really challenging. There has been cheating, secret, lies, multiple break ups, and a lot of immaturity.Last weekend was the turning point for him. For the second time in our relationship I had to go to the hospital for drinking and smoking too much. And to top off I harassed him for days after it happened. He feels like in a way he’s influenced me to engage in the negative habits(smoking and drinking) because that was his lifestyle before he met me and I did it to fit in more with him. So now he feels like he’s ready to change.He said he can’t keep living life the way he is. So in the last week, he’s stopped smoking and drinking. His goal is to stop completely, get his car back, get his own place back, and get a career going. Unfortunately right now he said he’s feeling stress from too many different sources—his family, his extended family, his job, from his lifestyle and from me. He can’t get peace(his words)and he needs peace. He said that as much as he loves me all the patience in the world can’t allow him to continue putting up with this type of relationship. He said it’s too dysfunctional and we aren’t making each other happy anymore. He also stated that he thinks we both need to focus on ourselves and get our lives in order because two broken people equals a broken relationship.So he told me last night that we need to “chill” for a little bit. Just let him be. He said that he just needs to focus on him. He doesn’t want me to call him, see him, etc. He said he hopes I do the same and focuses on me. He made it clear that he isn’t going to date(and I do believe him because he has proved in the last 6 years that he is a man of his word). However he said right now his focus is him and he can’t put his energy into fixing a broken relationship any longer. He said that while he loves me that doesn’t mean we are compatible. He said that doesn’t mean that we won’t ever be able to make it work, but that right now it isn't working. He said that maybe once we both get ourselves fixed up and get ourselves right we can make it work or maybe not if we don't want to.He stated that he isn’t breaking up with me, because if he were he would let me know as he has in the past. He isn’t saying we’ll never get back together again. He’s only saying that I just need to let him be and let him focus on himself. He said that since my best friend and his cousin are married with our God children, then we will probably run into each other on occasion but for now he just wants us to cut contact for a while. He said maybe when we do see each other again(at one of our godkids birthdays) then we can give it a shot. Until then, we can’t be friends, and we can’t talk. He said he isn’t taking to anyone right now—family, cousins, etc. He’s only focusing on work and himself.I get it. I do. And he’s right. How can I possibly love him when I don’t love myself. When I’m so insecure. Etc. So I do want to take this time to figure out how to love myself and be a better person(for me). The issue that I’m having is that I don’t know what this break means? He made it clear that if he were breaking up with me he would have told me so. But at the same time, though he said he wanted to take a break, he didn’t say for sure if we were ever going to get back together—he just said maybe we’ll give it another shot if we both get ourselves together. He didn’t give me a clear date as to when I can expect to talk to him or hear him again. Everything is up in the air. It sounded like a break up, but he kept saying it was just a “break”.He asked me to please respect his wishes and let him be.I am but I just feel confused. How long is the break—2 months, 3 months, 6 months? How will we get back in touch? Etc.A part of me feels really horrible and border sucidal, another part of me is happy he did what he did because I’m glad he’s getting himself together and I need to focus on myself too. I’m just confused about how long this is going to last. In the past he’s always broken up with me and then text me or called me back a month later to get back. This time I feel like it’s different—he’s more certain, less emotional, etc. My biggest fear is that once he fixes himself up, he won’t want me back. But then another part of me has a strong feeling that he will be back in the future because he always comes back.I guess I just don't know if I should treat this like a break up or like a break. Help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 June 2010):
 I hope it works out for you. Sounds like you're serious about getting yourself into better shape.
Don't hesitate to write again if you feel the need for more support/feedback.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, notreadyet87 +, writes (28 June 2010):
notreadyet87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I realize the relationship was highly dsyfunctional. Like I said we both were extremely unhealthy when we entered this relationship and that is why it probably has not been able to work.I know I need to take sometime to know myself and love myself and become a better person and I intend to do this. I'm just very hurt and confused by the whole situation.Yes the drinking too much and smoking too was very bad. The first I had alcohol poisoning and that was when I was 20. This time I just had wayyy too much pot and it was my first time smoking so I asked him to take me to the hospital though i didn't really need to go, I just felt super paranoid.I know this is for the best.In the past when we would break up, it would be for like a month and then either he would contact me or I would contact him.This time I've changed my phone number so that he won't feel tempted and neither will I.I really want us both to change next time around... Once i'm in a better place maybe in the next 3-4 months I will send him a letter thanking him for this.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (28 June 2010):
I hear that you are very confused and unhappy about this. Understandably so.
However, I must say I think your boyfriend is being very responsible in taking time out to get his issues sorted and start getting his life in order. He is to be applauded for taking this stand. Unfortunately, you having to go to hospital for drinking and smoking too much is a very serious matter. Your life has gotten very messy, by the sound of it, and you two are just reinforcing one another's problems by continuing together at present.
YOU need - as I'm sure you realize - time to do whatever it
takes to work on the things that are troubling you.
Very clearly, he DOES care a lot about you. The way things are now, he's in no position to help you, and you can't help him. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you; just means your relationship has become unhealthy and it's time to walk away so that you can "rehabilitate" yourselves.
You ask if it's a complete break-up. Well, it doesn't sound like that to me. On the other hand, who knows how long it will take, or whether you'll both find yourselves in a better place and able to resume being together?
I'm awfully sorry, but have to tell you there can be no guarantees in a situation like this.
You really do need to honor his wish not to be in contact at present.
Are you being treated for clinical depression? If not, I hope you'll talk to your doctor. Medications exist to treat depression, you know. I urge you to find a good psychotherapist to whom you can pour out your heart concerning your low self-esteem and neediness. He/she should be someone you can trust and feel comfortable with, as you explore the roots of these feelings and find ways to deal effectively with them. If you feel "border suicidal" that's a BIG red flag and you should get help immediately.
Make sure, meantime, that you eat sensibly, and stay away from the bottle! Maybe consider going to an AA meeting if this is very difficult. Get adequate sleep. Exercise. Get together with your women friends if you enjoy them. Take a day trip somewhere you've always wanted to visit, if you can. I don't know what you like to do in your spare time, read, go bowling, concerts, whatever, but think about what makes you happy (other than your boyfriend, that is!!). If you work, put a lot of energy into doing the best you can at your job.
Finally, one way to look at this is to consider that your boyfriend is doing you a BIG favor. I know it may not seem that way, but really, he is. He's giving you a golden opportunity to get your life in order and become the best you can be. In fact, you MIGHT send an email thanking him and letting him know you're serious about the work you have to now do, and you'll be thinking of him. THEN: NO MORE CONTACT! But if you want to send that last message and make it clear you don't expect a reply, I think it would be appreciated.
All the best!
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A
female
reader, notreadyet87 +, writes (28 June 2010):
notreadyet87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI realize that we wouldn't be dating. My point is that he told me that it's a "break"--that we just need to chill out for a little bit and have some time apart. That he needs to be left alone for now, but in the future if we run into each other again and we both have gotten ourselves together we can give it another shot. But we BOTH have to want it.
I kept telling him it sounded like he was dumping me and he told me that if he was dumping me then he would've said "take care of yourself" or "have a nice life". He said it's just a break.
I guess the issue is he's dumped me before(3 years ago) for a similar situation and in that case he ACTUALLY came out and told me it was over. There was no "break" no nothing.
He is a very upfront guy and will tell things and keep his word.
So if he would've dumped me then he would've said it.
But the issue with the break is that there's been no timeline established or anything and no guarantee that we'll get back together. Though he always came back in the past, there is no gurantee he will this time.
I actually changed my number an hour ago.
He didn't make me sink to his level.
It was my FIRST time ever smoking pot and that's after being with him for 6.5 years. His habits never reflected on me until last weekend. It was my birthday and I wanted to try it. BIG mistake obviously. Though he had his issues, overall he was a VERY decent guy.
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