A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:ten yrs ago i fell deeply in love with "m". m broke the relationship off after six months for reasons i didn't understand. i all but stalked "m" to try and get him back with no such luck. after about 6 months, i met a great guy who was wonderful to my son (his dad died in car accident)and wonderful to me so we got married after dating only 6 months. shortly, before "s" and i got married, "m" came back into my life and begged me not to marry and pulled out all the stops to try and stop my wedding. i married anyway, but the contact with "m" has never ended. i have never loved "s" like i did/do "m" but figure, i made my bed .... live in it. "m" has never married and we have seen each other several times over the years (no Sex) and we stay in touch via email or calls regularly. The weird thing is my relationship with "s" is great as long as i hear from "m". It's when i don't hear from "m" that i can barely tolerate my husband. At this point, i feel i can't leave my marriage because my husband has done nothing to warrant it, and i could never trust that "m" would be there for me if i did. My question is this, why does "m" stay in touch with me? What's his angle? He gave up on asking me to leave my marriage after about a year. Since then we just talk about our lives, sometimes phone sex, sometimes we even argue! It's like i have a relationship with him as well. It's exhausting folks! I have tried so many times to end it, and always end up missing him so much that i ache. any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): I could me the M guy in your situation, but with variations on your them. I am married, the woman I have had the emotional affair with has been married, but currently is divorced.
Why do I keep contact with her? (and no sex).... Because she makes me feel good about myself, and I do the same for her. I suppose we are both selfish, because both of us have relied on each other for emotional support over the years, yet she will never be my partner (oh yes, I tried that route only to be shot down), so I really have 2 choices. Stop all contact with her, but I am too weak to do that...or keep going as we are...
Why does she keep in contact with me..same reasons I suppose. I provide something she can't get from elsewhere.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for your responses eddie. they are greatly appreciated. i'm not so heartless that i don't know what i am doing is wrong..but it still hasn't stopped me in ten years. it's pathetic. i know.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 April 2008):
 So your husband's not innocent? He met you 6 months after you broke up and has been a great companion and step father. You say he took advantage of you and your broken heart? What were his motives and what did he get as a reward? What has he done? He does have reason to worry because you're trying to rationalize your devious behavior. I'm not saying the attraction is devious, just the behavior. The proof is that your asked this question on Dear Cupid. He seems to be a little too tolerant of your need to keep in contact with this other man who does not have your the best interest of your marriage in mind. He means to cause your marriage great destruction. That is why your husband should worry.
If you had wrote about your husband being jealous because of some guy who you found attractive, that would be a different story altogether. In this case though, any worry by your spouse is valid because you've admitted your desire for the other guy. If your husband has done nothing to warrant you leaving the marriage and you still have these feelings, he must feel like the booby prize. A man wants to feel like his wifes first choice, not the guy she got stuck with. Think about what must be going through his mind...." OK, she's with me, she's unsure if she wants to be, she desires the other guy, contacts him and told me she's not sure if she should have married me.".....that hurts!!! If I was in this situation, I wouldn't be as easy going as your husband. He has nothing to gain and everything to lose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, something i didnt mention was that my husband is aware of "m". in the beginning, "m" approached him to talk about calling off the marriage. since then, over the years, my husband has known that we still talk because i gave up trying to hide it. don't feel so sorry for my husband as he has always known how i felt about "m". early on, i even approached him about that fact that maybe i had made a mistake marrying him. he did his best to convince me i hadn't. he's not so innocent in all this and at times i felt he took advantage of me when i was heartbroken. he thinks i still talk to "m" occasionally and does not know to what extent. and i always tell him he has no reason to worry about it because i'm not leaving the marriage. it may also help to know that i am/was a very good "catch" for my husband as i have a good career, am attractive, and otherwise a very good wife/mother. (notice, i did say otherwise).he didn't get the raw end of the deal, trust me.and to his defense, he treats me like gold, but it still doesn't take away the feelings for "m".
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (26 April 2008):
You are cheating. That is something to realize. Your husband doesn't really have a chance and he's being robbed of meeting his potential as a mate. He can never truly have his efforts fully appreciated as long as you're emotionally focused on another guy.
You ask what M's angle is and why he stays in touch with you. I could also ask what you're angle is. It takes two people to stay in touch.
Stop cheating on your husband. If aching so much for M, give your husband his freedom. He is living in a false relationship. Some people may say that what he doesn't know won't hurt him, but I don't believe that. You may wastes years of his life and then leave him anyway. AS I always say, he can't battle a war he doesn't even know he's fighting.
Look in the mirror and you'll see that your integrity is not what it should be. It is not wrong to have attractions outside of marriage. You shouldn't be up to your eyeballs in them though. Passing thoughts are one thing but when you feed the thoughts by phone sex, e-mails or whatever, you're not really interested in fixing the problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhonestly, i never expected such thoughtful replies. i was almost scared to read your responses because i expected them to be ugly. both of you (bfly36 and dearkelja)have given me some things to think about.hearing it from complete strangers somehow makes an impact.thanks ladies, so very much.
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female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (26 April 2008):
 Yes i believe this is an affair, an emotional one. He is so af ter you because you are not available, when a woman is not available a man goes nuts after her. If you leave your marriage make sure your not do ing it for 'm" but because you are not happy, then if u do that you can spend somet time alone to get to know what type of man you really want. this situation is complicated because you probably love both men but in different ways. Truthis if ur husband finds out its gonna bring drama into ur life now I hope this helps i have been in a similar situation. good luck and be strong.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (26 April 2008):
 Hi there,
M is filling place in your life and S is filling another. Together these men are giving you everything you need. S gives you stability, love, a parenting partner and probably sex. M give you the emotional side of the relationship which I am guessing you do not have this kind of connection with S.
When life is in balance you feel good about yourself and that is why your relationship with S works. When M doesn't provide you with the emotional support you need, you are not feeling good about life and thus you take it out on S.
Why does M sick around? Because my guess is that you do the same for him, give him the emotional completeness he needs.
The unfortunate thing of this is that you are having an emotional affair on your husband. My guess is that he doesn't know anything of M.
Let me ask you, do you think it would ever be possible for S to give you the emotional support M gives you. Keep in mind that you have never allowed him to do this because M has been around. If there is a chance he could then I think you should try to live for awhile without M. From what you say, M can not give you the stability you need in life so already my money is not on him.
The longer this goes on, the tougher it will be on you because you are dealing with feelings of guilt and honestly some sadness that things worked out this way for your life.
Give S a chance to make you completely happy and if he can not maybe you need to find another letter in the alphabet who can give you the complete package.
Take care of you.
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