A
female
age
30-35,
*enny17
writes:I'm 17, and recently have been a bit worried about myself, and my personality I suppose.I've always had traces of low-confidence, and I've not had an easy life - I've had plenty of ups and downs and my life is far from perfect but I feel gradually, thinks are getting worse for me.It may have started back earlier in the year, or maybe before thensemicolon I can't put my finger on an exact time as such. In January though, I was in my first year of college however I was living in Lincolnshire with my family, but I was going to college in Warwickshire. We were trying to sell the house in Lincs and move to Warks but due to the recession, we had troubles. By August 2008, the house hadn't sold but I was due to start college in September down in Warks so I had to move down there and live with my Grandma who luckily lives there. For 5 months, I was getting up at 6am on a Monday morning in Lincolnshire, driving down to Warwickshire in the car with my dad at 7am getting to college for just after 9, and then I'd get the college bus back to my Gran's house and get that to and from college all week which took an hour, and then on a Friday my dad would come and pick me up from college and take me back to Lincolnshire for the weekend, ready to do it all again on Monday morning. I found it extremely difficult, living away from my family and living at my Gran's house, sleeping in a room which wasn't mine, travelling an hour to and from college, feeling very alone all the time not having my mum to talk to during the week and all the travelling was extremely difficult. In January this year, it all got too much for me, and I was crying myself to sleep, just hating the life I was living and becoming very depressed, so I had to pull out of college and move back home to Lincolnshire permantly with my family, and ended up just working in a charity shop a few days a week, but never seeing any friends and spending most of my days at home in my room - I became very reclused.We have now moved to Warwickshire, finally and I have started college again and am just a 10 minute walk away, so it is so much better. However, things still don't seem right for me.I've lost all my motivation to do anything! I'm a die-hard Take That fan, and my life used to revolve around them. But now, I seem to have lost interest in them really, I mean I still love them, but the other week I bought their new tour DVD and have only watched it once, and there's another DVD too which I've not seen, but the want to sit and watch it has gone - I mean I do want to watch it, but it's like I have no energy to put it on and sit on watch it, which is very strange. The same goes for 2 other DVDs I've bought which I really wanted - I have a lack of interest when I used to be so enthusiastic about these things. And then when I have things to do at night, like write a letter to my friend, or I need to wrap a present, or make my bed, or go downstairs and get something... I just don't have the energy to do these things. I know they need to be done, but I just sit at my laptop and just can't be bothered and don't have the energy to do these small things. The same goes for my college work - I have exams in January, but there's nothing in me telling me to do some work and revise - I know I SHOULD do it, and should get my books out, but do I have the motivation? No. I just sit at my laptop staring at the screen all night just talking to people on MSN, but I really want to do well in my exams.My concentration in lessons is becoming a problem too. I never feel tired around college, but I get to a lesson and I have no energy whatsoever, and if a teacher goes on talking for more than a few minutes, my concentration goes and I will start day dreaming and not listening, and all I want to do in lessons is text or I will get bored. Yet having said this, I DO want to do well, and I am doing well, I just don't concentrate enough and don't have the motivation.My confidence is at an all time low at the moment too. I hate being out in public - I can cope at college, and when I'm with friends I mainly cope well too. But walking on my own, I feel everyone in their cars are looking at me and making judgements. I hate using pedestrian crossings if it's just me cos I think people who have had to stop are just watching me and annoyed at me. I have a Tesco just up the road from me, and I would love to just be able to walk there and buy myself a magazine then walk back, but I can't even do that. I try to make myself, but the thought gets me too nervous. I need someone with me else I won't do it. Also, when I'm in public situations, I panic and get nervous that I'm going to do something wrong for example, putting my card the wrong way in the machine, or mucking up at self-checkouts, and I feel if I were to use them, people would watch me and I would go wrong and feel so scared. The only thing that has made me think I MIGHT one day go to Tesco on my own is because I've seen a checkout with a lady at it that is for 5 items or less - I think I could cope with that if I was to ever walk there on my own. I get nervous about stupid things as well like when I walk home and am walking into my drive, I can see my neighbours in the kitchen window and I panic because I don't know whether to look and smile or something - things like this become a real problem. Another example is yesterday I went to a Chinese buffet with my friends, and was feeling nervous as it was, but I wouldn't go up on my own to the buffet - I was actually trying to eat at the same pace as my friends so we could go up together and I even worried about when it was my turn to pay that I would do something wrong. I constantly have to ask my friends questions about stuff to make sure I know what I'm doing.This leads me to how I'm very sensitive with my friends. I always need to feel loved and wanted by them. Whenever a few friends go off to the toilet together, I think they will be bitching about me. I often feel people are out to get me, and make me feel embarassed and stupid. The other week I was sat in the library on my own (another problem - I hate being alone at college because I feel people are looking at me and seeing me as a loner, and walking into the library on my own is something I hate.) as my friends had a lesson. They were supposed to come and meet me in the library as it's near where their room was, then we were going to get lunch together, but I got a text at the end of their lesson from one of my friends to say to meet them in the A level block, and this really upset me. I felt so angered that they had gone there without me, rather than coming to get me first. I felt unwanted and like they had seen me as an after thought, and felt so upset and uncomfortable that I decided to stay in the library for the whole of lunch, and was almost in tears, for what would seem like no apparent reason. I haven't had a great past with friends so I am very delicate and sensitive in that area, and need to feel wanted as a friend.Another big problem I'm having, is to do with a few teachers at college. I believe this to be a psychological thing. Since I was about 12, my relationship with my dad has been terrible, but at the same time, pretty non-existent. I could go on all day about him, because I cannot stand him. He has lots of problems, and he's never actually been a father to me or my brothers. He had depression over 10 years ago, and never made any attempt to help himself when he was coming out of it. He hasn't had a job for 10 years, and has 100% let himself go. He looks an absoloute state, his hair is an awful mess, he smells, he wears the same clothes every single day and has the worst temper I have ever seen and I get terrified when he's angry. He's hit me before, and I've seen him hit my mum so this in itself explains my hatred toward him. But we don't talk unless we are having a huge argument and any attempt at a conversation feels totally awkward an unbearable to me. I could seriously go on for so long, but let me just put it across that me and my dad do NOT get on and I have so, so much resentment towards him. People try and tell me that he's my dad and I'm lucky to have him, but with the past we've had, this isn't going to change things between us. Therefore, I am missing the father figure in my life, which it seems I very much need. I want an older man, to hug me and kiss me, to put his arms around me and tells me he loves me and I need him to care for me and tell me everything will be fine. I'm sure you can guess, I get NONE of this from my dad, and wouldn't want it. So it seems I am seeking a father figure, and since about the age of 14, I've tried to find this in male teachers. I've fancied so many over the years, and a few have become obsessive. It's like I look out for teachers, and anyone middle-aged and reasonably good-looking, that's it - I'm smitten. I've fancied so many, but as I said, there's been a few that have just taken over my life completely and it's all I ever think about, and I imagine being with them, thinking out dreams in my head about how much I want them.At the moment, there's 4 at college that I fancy, and there's only 5 that I know of in the college so that's 4 out of 5 that I like - not suprising. But they take over me, and control me. All I ever want to do is see them, and I spend all my time at college looking out for them. I think about them in my lessons and when I get home they're in my head. I cry over them as well, because I want them so, so much but can never have them. I change my habits for them - an example being I now leave half an hour earlier for college so I can sit in one of the blocks and can see them all arrive. I always know where they will be at lunch, and I want to be there so I can see them. If I go a day without seeing them, I will be depressed. I mean, it takes over my life and my college work - it's an obsession... but a MASSIVE one, but I feel like it's coming from the heart. I have this dream of just being able to tell one of them how I feel, and asking that I can just talk to them every now and then about things, because I feel if I could sit down and talk, and they would talk to me and show some care, it would be like having that father figure. I feel this emotional need to throw myself into a big hug with them, so they can hold me. And it's a sexual desire I have too, but I won't go into that.I just don't know how to control this, and if it can ever be cured. I mean I enjoy fancying these teachers because I find them so gorgeous, but I know it's not doing me any good when they take over my thoughts, even though I enjoy that they do that.I've thought about talking to someone about ALL of these things I've just mentioned, and perhaps getting advice, but I don't know if I need to? Although I'd never have the confidence to anyway - I could never tell someone all that I've said here face to face. I don't know if I should try get a little help, or just ignore it.Also, while these things are happening and effecting my life and personality so much, when I'm with my friends and having a laugh, I can be so, so happy. I just don't get how I can go from being so depressed and unhappy, to being completely normal and a happy person.Is there anything wrong with me at all, or am I just being OTT?I could really do with some help here, because I feel very alone :(Penny.
View related questions:
confidence, depressed, msn, my ex, neighbour, older man, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009): Best of luck, I think you have a good head on your shoulders and will get through this fine. Merry Christmas!
A
female
reader, penny17 +, writes (20 December 2009):
penny17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you ever so much again, and don't worry about it at all - you're helping me alot just by yourself. I also forgot to add that 'OTT' means 'over the top'.It's making that first step that worries me. If I was to go and see a doctor, it would have to be a woman. There's only 4 doctors at my surgery, 3 of which are men and 1 is a woman who is very uncomfortable to talk to and makes everyone feel awkward. Perhaps, as you said with me being at college, I could see someone at the college, because they provide such a service at which I just need to make an appointment. Maybe after the Christmas holidays, I might have the guts to go and do this - I just need to pick up the courage. What you've said seems to have cleared things up for me more, and I feel slightly better about seeing someone about this. After all, I'm having these problems which are taking over my life, and I need to see someone about them. And yes, I think I'll wait until things have progressed a little and I'm more sure of what's going on until I tell my mum. This way I can give her more information and might feel more comfortable talking to her. I'll leave it until after Christmas I think and try and put it to the back of my mind for now, as we all know Christmas is a very chaotic time of year, and it holds quite a few emotional memories for my family as it is, without me adding to it all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): Me again. I guess it's because of Christmas there are so few aunts on to answer questions and give advice, so I am sorry if you were hoping for more than just me.
I think I understand your situation. I never was in quite the same, but some patterns are familiar. Exactly what you are, if you at all are anything, needs to be determined by a professional. Since you are in college, these should be easy to get recommended to. You can either contact your doctor, or see a councilor. They will refer you to someone. Psychiatrist or "shrink" or what they are called. I am not exactly sure about the correct name for them, but they are the ones to contact in this case. Not a therapist. You don't have to tell these people why you are seeking help at all! You just say you think you suffer from depression, or that you are going through a hard time (which is true) and that you could need someone to talk to. You don't have to justify your reasons. If YOU think you could benefit from talking about your problems in life, then your case is justified enough.
I went to see a psychiatrist myself see. I didn't go to one for years because I though that I couldn't possibly need one. That something had taken over my life completely was supposed to be something I deal with on my own etc. Then a person I met told me something that changed everything. I barely knew him, and he told me flat out he was seeing a psychiatrist. He was very normal. He told me he went to see one because his father had cancer and so talking about it helped him. He also said that everyone has a "dark" secret that they carry around. That made me realize that my own secret shouldn't be kept locked up and hidden away, and that if he, who was so normal, could go seek help, then so could I. And so can you.
My first session I actually broke down and just blurted it all out, what happened after that was we barely got into the dark and secret thing at all. We talked about everything I wanted to talk about, we clarified things, and she helped me see things in relation with other things. When explaining my story to someone now I will tell it very differently from what I'd say before, because now I know so much more about myself, and also about the people around me, and how they influenced me. I loved going to talk to this woman who was my shrink, because we could always skip the jibberish and cut right to the case. She was never bored with what I said, she listened, and she helped. She might have been a fruitcake herself, but you know what? If you don't like the person you get assigned to, you can ask to get another one to talk to! The first person I was assigned to was a man that I couldn't talk to at all. Then I got this woman and everything went just right.
However, I don't think you need to tell your mom right away. Or your friend. There are still so many things you need answers to yourself, and others will ask questions too. I think it would be for the best if you at least went to a session with a psychiatrist, and then for example could tell your mom that you are seeing one to sort out some troubles you have and then see how she reacts. You don't have to tell any more than you feel like telling, although I am sure she will be worried about you and wanting to help in some ways. And she can't really do much can she? So, what I personally for me prefer, is to not tell before I know for sure. Talk to someone to figure out just what's going on, how to deal with it and so on, before you tell others. Because then at least, you will be able to answer some of the questions.
...............................
A
female
reader, penny17 +, writes (19 December 2009):
penny17 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, thanks so much for replying. I realise how long my letter was, but I had to include so much detail to explain my situation.
I did have this slight feeling I was depressed, but perhaps I am naive to think that people with depression, and constantly depressed and don't have happy moments? Because as I said, I can be fine and happy sometimes, but then it suddenly changes. However, this social phobia, complete lack of confidence, paranoia, insecurity etc is always there.
When my dad actually had depression, I was only very young and I didn't know at the time - my mum didn't want to worry me I think, so I was just told he wasn't well. He is always so moody though, it's terrible and I know the way I have grown up with him, has definitley affected me and has caused this serious need for a father figure.
I am so scared to get help - how do I even go about it? The idea of going and sitting down with someone and having to explain everything to them is something I would hate - I would be so embarassed and would probably hold alot of things back out of pure embarassment. Perhaps I could hand the person this letter which I have written, for them to read so they understand it all without me having to say it, and then we could go from there?
I most definitley agree that this situation with the teachers, is a very big problem. I spend almost every minue of the college day thinking about them, and then when I get home I remember all the times I saw them during the day and then I have a friend, who I tell everything to and tell her about everytime I saw them in the day, and it makes me so happy. And also, if one of them walks past me and catches me looking, but has a serious look on their face, it gets me down 'cos I would love a smile from them, and then I get paranoid that they have noticed me staring all the time and are getting annoyed - highly unlikey, I know.
But yes, getting to college stupidly early to see them, and getting in a stress and upset if my friends want to sit somewhere at lunch where I know I won't see them. And if we are in a place I know there's a possibilty they will walk past, I actually look out for them, and often don't engage in conversations with my friends because of it. This isn't right, is it? I don't understand how it is so extreme and obsessive. Do you think it could be OCD then?
I want to confess to something now, which I feel very embarassed about, but it will show how obsessive this teacher thing is. I was talking to a friend on MSN a few weeks back and I can't remember how but I mentioned on of the teachers names (I'll refer to him as 'P' because I won't mention his actual name.) My friend asked me "Who's P?" cos she had forgotten who he is, and for some reason I said it was someone that I was "casually seeing" - I left it at that. However, about a week later, my friend asked me how things were going with P (I'll just add now that all these conversations took place on MSN as we live a distance away). At this point, I was thinking so much about this particular teacher, that I decided to tell her, that this P I was seeing, was infact a teacher. This was a BIG mistake, because since then, she has believed I am seeing a teacher at college and every night I talk to her and I make up these stories about me and P. I tell her about arguments we've had, I tell her things he's said to me, we make jokes about the fact I'm seeing a 40 year old teacher, I ask her for help on situations that don't even exist - it's just crazy that I am making this whole, unbelievable story up to my friend. I feel so guilty for lying to her, knowing that she's believing it all and trying to help me with advice and stuff, when all along none of it is even true. I do feel so bad, I really do but the reason I do it, is because while we're talking about him, I believe it to be true - I almost suck myself into the story and while I am making up these stories to her, I feel happy and believe them to be true - it's seriously wrong though, isn't it? Because then I go and see him around college, and it hits me that it's not real and in reality, he doesn't even know my name.
I'm really worried about all these things, but I feel so selfish cos here I am worrying about myself when other people are going through much worse situations. I want my mum to know about this too, but I'm too embarassed to tell her everything face to face. She also has her own worries and stressed at the moment, that I don't want to go and bombard her with my own problems.
I just don't know what to do - I want help but it's the bit in the middle and the process of getting the help in the first place that I'm scared of.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): I posted earlier, and now I've sat down and read your whole letter. What I said earlier still stands. I do not know what OTT means, but I will stress that you seek help. The rest of your letter confirmed my suspicions, and the information you are giving is very disturbing.
Do you need help? Yes. You change your entire day because of 4 teachers. That's got to take up a lot of your day, I can imagine stalking one teacher would be demanding enough, but a whole 4. I do wonder if your obsession with them has turned into more of a obsessive compulsive disorder and a hobby, something you need to to, watch, control. What will happen if you do not get to see them? Honestly, ask yourself what is the worst that can happen? That you will have time to deal with YOU and focus on YOU? Scared of what you might find?
"He had depression over 10 years ago, and never made any attempt to help himself when he was coming out of it." Who does this sound like? You are having a huge problem here, and you even wonder if ou should get help or not, brushing this under the carpet with one hand and saying it's nothing, but on the other hand you are trying so hard to get out of this mess and see straight again. You are only holding yourself back. Realize that you have a problem, that is the first step to getting something done about it. That means you must stop deny that this is an issue. The fact that you have mood-swings so severe is another indication that you are not doing well. I am not saying this to be mean, or make you feel crazy. It's a very good thing that you opened up enough to question your own behaviour. Now see the mood-swings are classic to bipolar personality disorder, where manic behaviour can occur, and also deep depressions. The only one who could really tell for sure, diagnose you if that is needed, is a professional. Whether what you are has a name or not wont change who you are. It will only bring you one step closer to understanding who you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2009): Very long letter, and I am sure but I only read half of it. By then I think I got a grasp of whats happening with you though. Seeing as I find myself in that position too at times.
You are right, I do think you are depressed. Having a person (your father) to show you just how to be depressed and down with a mental illness has affected you. Sadly, mental illnesses are like the flu in an extreme way, when one person in the family has it it tends to bring everyone one around that person down the same road too. If this is to do with genes or upbringing no one knows. My father is suffering from depression too and seems to believe that keeping it to himself will hide it from the family. On the contrary, him being in denial makes it that much harder, because how are you supposed to help or anything? Well I am sure you know all about that.
What happened first year of college was stressful on you and probably broke you down to the core where you are very vulnerable. As such, you feel vulnerable, and it will take time to build up. So take one lesson from your father: get help. Talk to someone professional. And no, getting help is not for the crazies, it's for ordinary people suffering with "ordinary" problems. Just because it's normal to get depressed doesn't mean you have to deal with it alone. It doesn't make you crazy to ask for help. On the contrary it shows you have insight and a wish to help yourself.
...............................
|
