A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I caught my boyfriend messaging other girls twice on Facebook and I don't know what to do.The first time was last summer when I went on holiday. I coincidentally met a girl (seriously small country, everyone pretty much knows each other) who informed me that my boyfriend messaged her after she saw a picture of us together. He said 'Hey beautiful how are you doing'. When i confronted him about this he lied and said 'omg i just checked now and there are messages to three other girls too, must be my best friend'. His best friend called me and played out this lie but deep down i knew it was my boyfriend. I chose to ignore it.Second time was on Sunday night - this time he is on holiday and I'm waiting for him at his place. But before this I noticed that since he started his holiday he friended so many new girls, literally 3 or 4 daily. I told him this bothered me and asked him to stop. But he said I was being crazy because Facebook wasn't 'real'. This leads to the second time - his laptop sends notifications every time he gets a message (I'm allowed to use it, they literally pop up I don't snoop).I saw notifications from one girl all day and I asked him who she was. He told me he didn't know her and I asked why was he talking to her all day. I wanted to see the conversation so i asked for his permission to look. I saw messages to 3 other girls 'hey how are you' and they disappeared after 2 seconds. He deleted them! He also asked this girl to meet him for coffee when he got back but she declined.When i confronted him he tried to lie saying that he didn't delete those messages and that a coffee was nothing, it didn't mean sex but then he finally came clean. His excuse was he was drunk. He'll be back on Friday and I am not talking to him till then. I'd like a face to face conversation.I don't know what to do! My brain is telling me to dump him because it's the second time!! He doesn't have respect for me and he clearly doesn't love me as much as he claims. He didn't respect my concern of all the new female friends which led to what I was afraid of!! He lied to me, tried to delete messages. In 1 year and 3 months of this relationship, he tried to talk to 8 girls on facebook.But - my heart is telling me to stay. Because I love him and I'm afraid to lose this. Apart from this he's actually been the perfect boyfriend. I've had many troubles in my life and he's been there every step of the way helping me. He's my best friend!! Also, out of the 8 girls only two actually replied so it's not that bad? But he did ask one out for coffee. I don't want to lose my best friend, i honestly don't have many good friends besides him. He still denies the summer incident though.What should i do? Be smart or dumb? I thought maybe if I asked him to delete his Facebook for a while that'll bring the trust back?P.s. We also live in different cities and I see him every weekend. So it is classified as long distance so obviously trust is important.Btw I'm 19 and he's 23.Thanks in advance!
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best friend, drunk, facebook, his ex, long distance, on holiday, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (7 April 2017):
 So he gets away with it because they all didn't reply?! Seriously? Sweetie he has broke your trust twice now, and you know why he done it the second time? Because he got away with it the first time! You are allowing him to walk all over you and treat you like this. It is sad to see because you are only young honey and you could do so much better.
He doesn't respect you, imagine if the girl did ask to meet for coffee, what would happen then? Honestly deleting facebook is not going to make you trust him, he will more than likely just block you and pretend he did delete it. Have more respect for yourself and don't allow any man to treat you like this.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 April 2017):
 You think he WOULD delete his Facebook? You sure he wouldn't just make another one with a fake name or nickname? Or he will download a chat app and look for girls there on Tindr or Snapchat or whatever he can get his hands on.
He has CONTACTED 8 girls. 8! Doesn't MATTER how many actually replied. What does that tell you? If you don't know I'll tell you. HE doesn't think talking to girls behind your back is wrong. He is selfish and wants to do whatever HE wants to do - if you catch him he will PLACATE you with some half-brained lie and he KNOWS you will swallow it because YOU want the relationship to work.
Te basis of ANY good relationship is TRUST (not love) You can't HAVE love without trust. And YOU can't trust him at all. Doesn't matter if it is an LDR or not. Without trust you have nothing. And without trust and honesty... you have even less.
You CAN stay with him and WASTE more of your life on a guy who ISN'T as invested in the relationship as YOU are. HE isn't worried about losing you. NOT ONE BIT. He is ALREADY looking for a side chick or YOUR replacement. So really WHAT is there to stay for? You say you don't want to lose his friendship? Seriously? That is valuable to you? A "friendship" with a guy who lies to you as easily as making a cup of tea. Great "friend" he is...........
You don't live in the same city, which ACTUALLY is an advantage if you smarten up and DUMP him. Because you won't have to see him around and you CAN go out and meet new people expand that TINY circle of friends.
Be smart. WANT more for yourself. Have a higher standard for HOW people can treat you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2017): Let me just highlight what you said:"He doesn't have respect for me and he clearly doesn't love me as much as he claims. He didn't respect my concern of all the new female friends which led to what I was afraid of!! He lied to me, tried to delete messages. In 1 year and 3 months of this relationship, he tried to talk to 8 girls on facebook."What would your advice be if someone else said this? Get rid of him. You WILL find better. Harmless messages to girls shouldn't be a big deal if he a)knows them and b)is just being a normal friend - this is not what this sounds like. And if it upsets you there should be rules regarding what sort of conversation is okay. Why is he approaching these girls (and JUST girls. That's not okay). I know it will hurt to leave him, but I promise you - you deserve to feel respected. You will find better. Have more pride in yourself and realise how much you're worth.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (4 April 2017):
 Seriously? Because they didn't all reply it's not that bad?
Believe me, from a males perspective this guy would cheat given the opportunity. I would be VERY surprised if he hasn't tried getting with someone on his holiday considering he has no problem trying to message other girls when he already has a girlfriend.
He doesn't respect you. If he did you wouldn't be here asking this question. A man that truly cares about his girlfriend wouldn't be speaking to other girls asking to meet them, it's pretty simple really.
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A
female
reader, DancerGirl1984 +, writes (4 April 2017):
Also, out of the 8 girls only two actually replied so it's not that bad?You are accepting this behavior from him and that is why he feels that it's ok to message and plan to meet other women.He may seem to be the only good thing in your life but from his behavior, he certainly isn't. You deserve better. Move on from this creep because he will continue to hurt you. He does not respect you as a person or your feelings and he cannot make you happy. You will always be on edge and will wonder if he is cheating. That is no way to live. You're young so learn from this experience and go forward with your life knowing that this is not what you want in a relationship.You deserve a man who respects you, cares for you and will do nothing to hurt you. You seem like a lovely girl and I have no doubt that you can find a real man who will love you the way you deserve.All the best.
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