A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Recently, I have snooped through my husband's cellphone (since I have been suspicious of his odd behaviour which leads us to fighting) and noticed a few text messages that he kept in his trash box but forgot to delete from his female co-worker. One of the texts said from her "lunch in the cafe" and his reply was "I'm having lunch outside" since he was taking it with his boss. Though, I found it very odd that he decided to delete it, to keep this secret. I've confronted him and he denied and said that he is not having anything going on with her. But looking at previous texts, it seems like she is flirting with him,I found texts from before "can u text so and so's number. I'm running very late ... blah!" and seen eye winks. He admitted to having 2-3 lunches in the cafeteria with her, yet. I believe that he may have had more than what he said. I asked him that if it's not a problem, then I would like to call her up and confirm with that and that's where he became threatening that if he loses his then I would be paying the consequences and started saying that he doesn't want to let his work know how much of a psycho wife he has. In this case, I dropped the subject and have becomed just more suspicious and am just holding it inside of myself. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I can understand how you feel as i am going through something similar. I quite agree that your husband cannot control who sends him e-mails or texts, as long as he does not reply inapproriately it is not an issue.Unfortunately there are some women out there that cannot seem to control themselves and don't seem to have a problem in sending e-mails/texts that are too familiar to a married male colleague. These women are pretty sad and seem to need attention, if it were a man sending me emails and texts like this colleague sent my husband he would certainly have a problem with it and it would hurt him.
There is nothing in what you say to suggest your husband is doing anything with this co-worker so remember that. I know it is difficult, try to trust him. Has he given you reason not to trust him at all? I also believe there should be no secrets in a marriage, looking at his phone should not be an issue. I have looked at my husbands phone, so what? he can look at mine anytime. I know he does not like it but tough. I have had reason not to trust him in the past (not regarding other women) but still serious enough. Also i did the same as you, i said about speaking to this co-worker of his and he reacted the same way as your husband, saying it would cause problems for him. Funny if it were the other way round he would want to knock shit out of a bloke acting like this to me. All i would say is let the dust settle and try to concentrate on your marriage, try not to worry and try to get to know this woman if you can it may put you at ease.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2008): I totally agree agree with the Namatjira and I too understand why you and rowing and why your husband would feel as though there was a lack of trust there. You sound ass though you feel threatened by this other women but your question does not show why. Is there trust in your marriage. Has either of you cheated before? I find it strange that you would confront your husband so quickly and just from that message and feel that something has gone wrong in your relationship.
In saying that however, I can totally understand how you are feeling. Being a women in the same age bracket whos partner cheating on me with a work collegue and Whom I discovered this affair by cheacking his phone.
It is difficult to advise here as I am a believer in following your instincts but I feel that the reasons that you have given in your question are very weak and it just sounds as though you are threathened by her or something or just have a low self esteem.
Send me a private message if you want to talk or just to chat about how you are feeling.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira  +, writes (31 March 2008):
Nobody can be held accountable for text messages or emails that they receive. We do not and cannot have control over what people choose to send us. We can control how we react. Just from what you have said I do not see any compelling evidence that he is cheating, just that he has a friendly relationship with a colleague.
Now on the other hand, your snooping through his phone is a major betrayal of trust and one I personally would find hard to take. If you want to see what is on his phone, don't sneak, ask. He can still say no and you should respect that. But if he is in tune with your fears then he might relent and let you look.
Remember that she can flirt with him and it is not his fault but if he flirts with her then that is.
I am not surprised that you have had some rows. I would have too. The important thing is for you to be calm, not angry. If you remain calm when you discuss this then the power and initiative is yours. Instead of being accusing tell him how this makes you feel. If he loves you he will feel bad that you are afraid like this and will want to reassure you and find some way to demonstrate his love. But the key is for you to be calm, not angry. You cannot correctly interpret someone's reaction if you are angry because their reaction will mirror your anger and will not be true.
There are plenty of people here who will try to help you 1-2-1 if you need it. Just send a message.
Good luck.
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