A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have 1 son. I found out on his phone he had been cheating while working out of town. I divorced him but, we never legally separated. He's here. I am trying to deal with the pain. It's been several months. He thinks all is good. I'm not feeling it. Is there hope for us? He wants to have more children and get remarried....
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2009): I do not understand why it matters that you did not "legally" separate, if in fact you filed for divorce and it was finalized; he is NOT your husband, legally, now, spiritually, depending on your faith orientation, he may be.
Anyway, the crux of your question of is there hope is only answerable by you and him. There is hope if both people want the relationship to work and are willing to do the work to mend it. Your relationship will not get better by you bottling up your feelings --he cheated and have a right to be hurt and disappointed, no time limit. But you cannot lie about where your relationship stands, or, "go along, to get along" pretending you are fine because he is.
What you don't say is: (1) Have you ever confronted your husband about the affair? (2) Do you talk to him about what it has done to you? If so, is he understanding or impatient with your need to heal; (3) Have you suggested or tried professional marital counseling?
I repeat, you are not going ignore away or wish away your hurt or marital problems. People say time heals; I say resentment builds. If you get remarried and bring more children into the relationship with unresolved trust issues, pain and lack of feeling loved, your family will not be better for it.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (27 January 2009):
 Well once the trust has been broken it is terribly hard to repair it and that just does not happen overnight.
How old is your son btw?
Had there been any problems in your marriage prior to him going out of town and cheating on you, how did you find out about it?
The fact that I am assuming you never had separate living arrangements means that in his eyes everything is rosey and the whole home life has returned to normal.
I think if you want to try and rekindle your marriage then you both need to address all of the issues before going down the route of getting remarried or having more children. You need couple counselling in my own personal opinion. I think learning how to listen to the other person is a key skill that comes out of any sort of counselling. If there is not commitment to attend these sessions then I do not see how you can just wipe away the pain and anguish of the affair.
If however, you both want to give it a go and see if you can rekindle the relationship I think it is your best chance of success.
Does the idea of getting remarried and having more children appeal to you or is it the fact that this man is your son's father?
Think long and hard before embarking on anything that really ties you to this man at the moment, why didn't the separation happen btw?
If you want more help, I will try to advise you but understand if you don't want to go into too much detail as it can be a very painful experience, however it can also be quite cleansing to. I went through it so know exactly how you are feeling, OK I wasn't married to my ex but we had been together a very long time.
Keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
P.S. Keep smiling sweetheart, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, honest!
...............................
|
