A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I found out my bf had lied to me about something very intimate. In the weeks that followed he showed no willingness to talk about it and said very clearly that talking about it makes him feel uncomfortable. The fact that after almost a year or being together he doesnt feel at ease talking to me about something which is bothering me makes me feel useless and makes me question the relationship and the value he attaches to me. I dont understand my role if I cant even be there to listen to what's on his mind. I know he's not used to talking about feelings and all of that, but I dont know what I can do, I have already told him I'd listen to however little he wanted to say, but he says he feels under pressure to say something "sensible" when I just want to knoww what's on his mind. I have had to try to make suggestions which he never took on board, try to understand why he didnt talk to me about it, and most of the time he just kept quiet and didnt even say a word (although he did say a few words every now and again which I guess for him is a lot) Twice I was crying and he just turned around and went to sleep. I am very upset. I worry that his habit of not talking will come up again and again, and I wonder if he'll ever deal with difficult issues which may come up in future. We are seeking the help of a therapist but not sure what's gonna happen. Is there hope for change or should I just let go? What do you think? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks a lot, what he lied about is indeed very pesonal and initimate. He said he was worried about how I'd react, but really it's something that affects me too so how could he not tell me? I am worried about that approach, ie if something is difficult you just avoid it. I dont want to be the one dealing with things all the time, esp when they dont start from me ! He realises his approach is not good, but says he finds it very difficult to change. I dont know what to think anymore ....
A
female
reader, arlamai  +, writes (14 May 2010):
It is difficult to answer this question as you don;t divulge what he lied about. Obviously it is something very personal so lets go on a whim;If the thing he lied about directly involved you or could effect you in an immediate way it is concerning that he didn't tell you. Could it be something he was embaressed to tell you? If so, it might be understandable if he didn't tell you but don;t be too quick to break up with him based solely on this one thing. If you are both seeking help it shows that you both want to work on this relationship.People are all different and some people are very open and some people are not. If you want a partner who is open about their feelings being with someone who isn't will never make you truly happy. If there are aspects of your relationship which you couldn't live without then I would consider compromising on his quietness. Some people just don't share!Best of luck
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