A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all!i would like to know if there is any possibility that a verbally wrong/abusive and psysically abusive/bully husband can become 'normal' with time? (he does not drink, no drugs). if so, how long can this 'transformation' take? how can one go about it if there is no counselling at hand? Or no good advice from people he listens to? (he doesn't hear me)is there a chance of such a man becoming very calm and wise? everythings' my fault because of his negative equity w/in himself (his redundancy, family, culture, education...) He's sweet outside, horrible and unfair at home. Street angel=house devil.Can an abusive man change?????? he's got no real reasons but thinks he has.What can i do about it? talking doesn't work. discussions only lead to endless rows and no solutions, and s/times, later, will he chose a detail said by me to hurt me (a confidential, not hateful, detail). we married a year ago, i didn't see this behavior coming, before. he can be very caring and loving and manages his responsabilities as a husband.Separation is near, but because of legal matters i can't just walk out. (long to explain) We do have love for each other..My big question here is: can anybody who's been there or is a professional in this area tell me if there is hope of a man becoming an honest and non patho-jealous husband? And if, how???Thanx so much for your advices.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2007): Hello:
In response to your question, "Your safety and conciousness" is very important. Enough is enough of the abusiveness you recieve literally and emotionally from your husband. You cannot change him, he will be the same!
There can be hope, but you right now should consider your peace and space!
(1) Your husband needs help with"Anger Management" therapy.
(2) Most important, he needs "spiritual life and guidance"
The more he is offensive towards you with his anger, using offensive words the more his heart harden's like a crust and continues his demon behavior.
(3) Seek safety and serenity for yourself.
I would highly suggest at this point "seperation"...for it will only get heavier and ugly at the rate he is going now...which will surely increase! Your emotionally well-being and safety is a priority!
Be safe and please be careful. Listen to the Lord in the heart telling you what to do...move out and listen to the inner voice guiding you.
Wishing you safety... please be careful.
A
female
reader, TaylorChu  +, writes (25 July 2007):
 The only way an abusive, violent man changes is when he gives his life over to Christ and recognizes the pain and the severe problems he is causing. People can scoff all they want about religion but it a problem like this has roots in the man's thinking not his actions. Change his thinking and you will change a man's actions. He is going to want to change. Pray for him that God sends people in his path to show him that he is not being the man God created him to be. When a man surrenders his all to God THEN God can work with him because his heart is pliable until then he will refuse help, treat you and the rest of your families harshly and could quite easily hurt you physically. No woman or child should be near a man like that because he doesnt care to control himself or curb his outbursts.
Find a local church and demand help. Your husband may not go but YOU GO to see what help you can get. And if he ever lays a hand on you, you leave. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. He doesnt own you or have the ability to force you to do anything you dont want to do. You are an adult and not under anyone's tyranny. All I have to say is seek help now and pray for him. All it takes is one God encounter to change a man when it will take an entire heart change and counseling for a man to change himself.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 July 2007):
 He may be able to alter his behavior with lots and lots of therapy (and the fact that he sees a problem and WANTS to fix it) but you say there is none available. Hard to believe in this day and age but if that's the case then I wouldn't think there's much hope. It's a complex behavior to treat and sometimes goes so far back into childhood it's deeply ingrained. Therapy is the best bet I'm afraid.
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A
female
reader, daisy99999 +, writes (25 July 2007):
 One thing I've learnt is that an abusive husband DOESN'T change - I'm so sorry to tell you this but its better you get out now rather than later. He isnt worth the pain in the long run, my cousin has had an abusive husband and it started off small like yours, he pleaded that he would change and then 2 years later he got jealous because he thought she was flirting with another guy and nearly beat her to death. Watch out, do what you know is right and I really hope there are no children involved in the situation. Good luck x
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