A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:More than 2 years ago, I met a guy in a business who was very friendly. He´s military and we became friends, nothing more. After he left we started to keep in touch by email, and sharing regular friends stuff.He have always talked about his family, but in a very general way. I always felt like he didn't want to talk about much about them. Recently, we added each other in facebook and myspace and I could see his profiles and pictures and how happy he seems with his family.I congratulated him about having a great life, and even told him he should be grateful has such a wonderful family. He said "Yeah, I guess you are right".I don´t think he ever thought on an affair, since he NEVER said anything disrespectful towards me. I don´t know his wife and she don´t know me and I don´t like mentioning anything about her since his reaction is awkward.The other day we talked on the phone for his b-day and I mentioned a friend of mine visited his town in a diplomatic duty and how fun she said it was. He said maybe one of this days you can come in those diplomatic duties and have fun also.He enjoys talking about his kids though (this is his 2nd marriage) and his kids are from a previous one who visits him. he had said he´s happy. My friends say is wrong to have such a friend. He´s long distance and we are friends. Any advice as to how to deal with this please?
View related questions:
affair, facebook, long distance, married man, military, myspace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I get the feeling there seems to be more than just friend ship here. It may have started out as friendship but i get the feeling you want more or are just testing the waters so to speak. It may have started as friends but is developing into an unhealthy intertwined relationship. Just telephone calls, emails, and now facebook. Slowly you are drawing yourself into his personal space and slowly you are creeping into his private live. Your comments about the kids - a safe topic. Comments about the wife – very unsafe. You are subconsciously knowing that you slowly invading his wife’s space therefore no mention of her. By totally ignoring her existence you believe you are doing nothing wrong. This innocent deliberate non disclosure makes it convenient to liaise with this man knowing that his wife does not know of your existence as well. Your deliberate omission means that you are deliberately deceiving of your friendship. “I don´t know his wife and she don´t know me and I don´t like mentioning anything about her since his reaction is awkward.” Your words actually speak volumes. Why would mentioning his wife caused awkwardness between the two. Perhaps you both know it the ‘friendship” is getting too personal? Your very sentence means that your friendship is secret. Why? Would his wife be offended that a single(?) woman was communicating often with her man. If you were married and your man had this special friend would you not be also concerned. You need to question yourself and ask yourself whether this friendship is not threatening his marriage and if it is., will you stop your communication. Can you stop your communication. Your friends are right to be concerned. They obviously know you and all about your interaction with this married man. I think they are concerned that you will be hurt and that you are now investing too much time in this “friendship” with him. You are slowly becoming part of his social scene and his wife doesn’t know about you. Please ask yourself some hard, harsh questions. You will be surprised by the answers. You are a smart woman so if your friends are concerned just take a look a bit deeper. Don’t be lulled into a false sense of friendship. You are single, meet married man, maintain a discreet friendship, wife doesn’t know about you, seemingly innocent words “He said maybe one of this days you can come in those diplomatic duties and have fun also.’ WILL YOU TAKE THE BAIT AND IF YOU DO WHAT WILL BE THE OUTCOME? What are your expectations from this “friendship”. You have read about online affairs/ LDR- what is so different from what you are doing?
A
female
reader, niki20  +, writes (21 May 2009):
 personally i think its ok, you guys are just friends and since nothing sexual is involved i dont see why not. i do think him not wanting to talk about his wife is weird but it doesnt seem like he cares about her much. friends is fine but if i were you i wouldnt let it go further.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I think your friends are probably concerned because you may have feelings for him but it sounds like he is keeping the right boundaries and has no intention of developing an emotional or physical connection. I'm guessing he'd probably shut it down if you attempted to flirt or insinuate anything so consider him a pen pal.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): It is never wrong to have friends! As long as you can keep it in prospective.
If you had illusions of him some day being with you, that might be considered wrong. However, a friendship especially long distance is harmless, and I assume comforting to him.
You have no choice but to believe him when he tells you he is happy in his marriage. Until he tells you differently, you must take that as the truth!
Accept that all you can ever be is friends; if you can do that, then continue the friendship!
Good Luck!
Britt
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): I think it would be wrong if his wife wasn't ok with you being friends or if he started to act like he wanted to be more than friends, then i would not talk to him anymore.
...............................
|
