A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married less than a year. The problem is that I have very little sex drive. I have never been interested in having sex with him, aside from when we first started sleeping together (and even that was short lived). He was the first.I am generally happy, have a great job, a wonderful home, great in-laws. He is a wonderful husband - he is considerate of me, helps with the cooking and cleaning, compliments me, is a great provider, is extremely attractive and in great shape - I don't know why I am not interested in him or what I can do to become interested in him. I do not really even like physical (kisses, etc) affection. I know this hurts him.I was never sexually abused as a child (although, I grew up in a abusive house). I am not taking anti-depressants or anything smiler. I am healthy, we exercise regularly, eat right, try to get 8 hours of sleep a night, plan fun things to do on the weekends...Not to get to into the details, but we've purchased some intimate items for me (with the hopes of learning to please myself) which are mostly un-used.I am really frustrated. If he is, he's not showing it.I am wondering - is there anything we can do to improve our sex life? I feel like we are being cheated. Has anyone else gone through something smiler?
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 July 2011):
 Have you always been with like this, or is this just with your husband? Do you find guys, in general attractive? Do you have orgasms and do you like orgasms? Is your husband any good?
The reason I ask this is that I think either you married someone who you aren't sexually attracted to, or you just have a low sex drive.
If you want to have sex (but not with your husband), then I think you need to do some soul searching as to what the holds up are and if you can force yourself to become interested. Let's face it, a few years down the road, you may become resentful of his needs and that will only lead to disappointment.
However, if in general your sex drive is low, you may want to schedule an appointment with your OBY/GN or an endocrinologist who can make sure you have healthy hormone levels. Generally, at your age, you should be more into sex and the symptoms you are experiencing could be a problem with your hormones.
Also, if you are taking birth control or other hormonal supplements, consult with your doctor, as these things can disrupt your libido.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (27 July 2011):
Unfortunately, this is a fairly common situation where one of the people in a relationship (or both) has little or no experience outside of their partner. OP, you stated that your husband was your first. So initially the "newness" of sex itself turned you on and fired up your sex drive, you were awaking as a woman. But now that the newness is gone your drive dried up. Your husband just doesn't "do it" for you. He doesn't lite your fire. You admit you don't even want to kiss him or be physically affectionate.Trying toys was a good attempt to jump start things. You can also try to spice things up with role-playing, and possibly even talk to a marriage counselor. Perhaps some combination of those will improve your love life.However, what you may come to realize is that it is a basic matter of chemistry - or more specifically, a lack of chemistry. I'm a big believer that marriages are more likely to endure when both the man and woman have had enough sexual partners to know what "works" for them. So it follows that for people who marry their first partner, they almost have to get "lucky" to end up with someone that is sexually compatible on a long term basis. In your specific case, it is a bad sign that less than a year into your marriage you've run into a sex drive issue. I think the majority of couples eventually run into this issue to some extent, but it typically happens years down the road - after kids and such. Things do eventually slow down... but not this early on. You should still be in the "honeymoon" stage.I sincerely hope you can find a way to spark the fire with your husband, but it might just be a case of the two of you not being compatible sexually. As you stated, OP, going through life with a less than satisfactory sex life is like being cheated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): "although, I grew up in a abusive house"Abused damages intimacy, and the ability to allow intimacy, even with people who are "wonderful". It causes you to feel differently about yourself in a way that is difficult to explain in less than 100 pages.This is not about sex.It is not about your husband.It is about your past and how it affects your present."He is a wonderful husband - he is considerate of me, helps with the cooking and cleaning, compliments me, is a great provider, is extremely attractive and in great shape - I don't know why I am not interested in him or what I can do to become interested in him. I do not really even like physical (kisses, etc) affection."You probably don't feel you measure up. You probably feel that you don't deserve such a great guy. You probably feel like he is better than you somehow. I don't know, but there are at least a thousand "probablys".You can move on to another guy, and it will be "another guy, same problems but they may look different with him".Or, you can go to marital counseling, or individual counseling, and work on the abuse history, understand how it affects you, how it affects your marriage, how it affects the way you see yourself with your spouse, etc.Do not try to do this alone, and do not have children until you have worked on this with a good professional, having children makes it worse usually...and leads to divorce, broken homes, and a new generation that deals with the same trauma as you repeat the cycle from before.
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A
female
reader, g1llybabes  +, writes (27 July 2011):
Hi, I really can only answer from my own story really. I am not saying that this is right or wrong as everyone is different. But I myself was in a very similar situation, wonderful loving husband, great home, been together since school etc etc all good things but I also had no drive. I wondered a lot about this tried to show more enthusiasm but I couldnt make myself feel that way. In the end I felt it best to end our marriage after much talk and trying and I have since met another man.
I have found that it my situation it was nothing about drive but the person I was with. I have never felt such passion, love or enjoyment from sex as I have with this man. I never thought I would ever feel that as I was never interested. So for me, however much I loved the man that was my husband I just couldnt create the spark of passion. I did try but it just wasnt right for me.
I hope that things work out well for you- remember everyones relationship is different this is just my story
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