A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please can you help me with my current situation?A few months ago I had a brief relationship with a guy I had known for many years. We were both fresh out of long term relationships and things between us seemed to move very fast. He recognised this and told me that he was worried we were getting into a serious relationship that he didn't feel ready for and he ended it. At the time I was very upset but now some time has gone by I can see that it was too much too soon for me as well. I had been living with someone for 11 years and I felt an urgency to find a new partner so I know I was rushing things and pushing for more than he was ready to give.We had no contact for about three months but now we are beginning to become friends as we bump into each other regularly in the local pub. I would like something more to happen between us but I would like a relationship to develop naturally without the neediness I think I was feeling a few months ago.The problem is I have told him that I am only interested in friendship. The truth is in the future I would like the friendship to become more but I'm concerned that if he thinks I'm still interested in pursuing a relationship with him that this will freak him out and he will end the friendship. He told me that he is struggling to come to terms with the end of his last relationship and that he has been very hurt so I am trying to give him some time and space to heal. Have I done the right thing and is there anything I can do to encourage his feelings for me again? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Janicp14  +, writes (11 November 2008):
You have done the right thing.
He will be able to feel comfortable around you now that he knows you aren't gonna be pushy for a relationship again.
However, if you do want to take things to the next level once you feel he is over his ex and ready to start a new relationship, don't blurt it out.
Relationships work best, and I can tell you from experience will work best in this situation, when things are unexpected and "just happen". If you don't tell him you want more than a friendship, it's not gonna change how he feels about you. So if his feelings for you are stronger than that of just a friend, a relationship will eventually blossom. Just be sure to give some subtle hints along the way, because it IS possible that he may think you're completely not interested and move on to someone else if you act "too cool". Be kind, friendly, funny, intellectual, and subtly flirt with him (like tell him a shirt looks good on him, or he has "such cute eyes", but don't say it in a dreamy, almost creepy kind of way - keep things cheerful) once he seems ready to enter the dating scene again. Also be aware that even if he says he wants a new girlfriend, don't be that girl IF you still feel that he is not over his ex. The last thing you wanna be is a rebound, those almost never work out. Let him take another girl as the rebound, and be there for him when that doesn't work out as well. Maintaining a good friendship is a key element in developing a great relationship.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (11 November 2008):
Beware the Friend Zone.
It will get to the point where he may want you but will not want to ruin your friendship or may well just not see you in that way because of your friendship.
Just ask him to do something with you outside of the pub and then allow yourself to get closer, if it's a film then put your head on his shoulder / hand on his knee.
I am sure you are old enough and wise enough to know the right signs to give out.
The worst that can happen is that he rejects you. And surely that is better than staying in this state of limbo for ever.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2008): That's not a very good situation for you. You keep bumping into guy all the time,you want one thing, he doesn't seem to be that interested. I know that sign when they say they are not ready for anything serious. What would be good for you is talking to him, no lying about being friends or anyhing else anymore. Conversation must be light and honest. No drama, just cheerfull honesty about your feelings. That will make him feel safe and not pressured with you.
How do you expect relationship to progress into more naturally if you told him you just want to stay friends? At least let him know that there is a different option for him than just being friends with you. Guys are dumb, he will not get it himself.
tell him you like him without sounding needy. But at this point you need to actually tell him, otherwise you will stay only friends forever. Good luck
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