A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love with a guy who I still think is a wonderful person, and we dated for 2.5 yrs. He was the love of my life.It was rocky for a while and ultimately ended largely because he never could get comfortable with the fact that I've enjoyed some early professional success, during a time when he struggled a bit. To be clear, we went to the same top grad school, both graduated with honors, and will soon be working at the same exact place (he accepted a parallel position to mine a year after we broke up). This guy is highly successful, but on a few occasions at a few key points during grad school, he had some really bad experiences, getting lots of rejections, while I was getting lots of offers.I know he's got self-esteem/self-confidence problems and that there's probably nothing I can do about that. And I know that I underestimated those problems when we were dating, so I wasn't as sensitive to the pain of the rejections he was getting as I could have been.But here's my problem. I still think the world of this guy. I've accepted we won't be together, which sucks, but I'm seeing other people. But now he's coming to work in the same office, and I'm going to be seeing him every day. And I know this is a major issue that still weighs on him daily; I also know he still has strong feelings for me, which are outweighed by the feelings of "worthlessness" he experiences in my presence as a result of this ridiculous competition. (his words, not mine).What the hell am I supposed to do? I want to do the right thing here. He's a good guy, and I want him to find happiness, even if not with me. The whole thing is absurd, but I can't guarantee that I won't ever "beat" him at something again - maybe I will. And what's more, I've been at this job for a couple of years now, where as he's been doing something else in the meantime, so while he'll be joining at the same level, he won't know any of the people or the internal systems, a fact which I'm sure will go instantly into this ridiculous mental tally he keeps.I care about him and want him to be happy. Is there anything I can do (short of quitting my job) to help?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): Sounds like you have already been given good advice, but I would add a few things. One is that at least when he was having this competition based esteem issue, at least he knew what his problem was. I think many times people just get upset or angry and react without knowing the real cause or without letting the other person know what the cause is. Maybe he could get counseling somewhere to get this straightened out in his head. Or if he could just talk to some sensible person he trusts who is not involved in the problem it might help him.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (19 February 2009):
 Oh my...
Men, right? What is with that competitive nature and then the self esteem problems that come out of it?
Well, you can't do much of anything. You can only keep dong what you're doing. I'm sure you've already tried to reassure him that you're both just doing your job the best that you can and that you're both very smart, talented folks. It sounds like you're a strong enough woman that you're not going to lower your standards of work or as they'd say in high school 'dumb yourself down', just because of his personal issues. You just keep doing the quality work you've been doing and let him sort out his problems by himself. He is your ex and co-worker now, which means that you don't need to attend to him personally anymore. What you have, is a business relationship.
So you do your thing, let him do his. Just don't rub your victories in his face (that doesn't sound like it's your style anyway), and let him keep his damn tallies. It's his problem, not yours!
Good luck (and keep kicking ass)!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2009): my suggestion for you is that you shouldn't quite something you are good at just because your ex, who has self-esteem issues, comes and works with you. At first it is goign to be rocky and he is going to keep this tally, but he is going to start learning everything you know. Especially if you help him to learn and know how the office works and runs. It's going to be tough, but you have to hang in there and maybe you should try to talk to him about everything. If you both have feelings for each other then something might be able to work out, but dont go into the job everyday thinking something might come with a work relationship. What he needs to do is realize everyone gets rejected, its a part of life and not your fault at all. He needs to get back up from being knocked down and move on. Its not going to help if you baby him, you worked for what you have at that job, and he joined at the same level. he should be happy about that. In the end what I am saying is he needs to move on from pitying himself and realize that the world isnt nice and its not your fault. Keep working with him and be the best you can. If he is going to keep a running tally in his head it isnt your fault.
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