A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 5 year and we've talk about marriage next year. We've been so open to each other and both our family are supportive with our relationship. We are both 25.However, we've been through so many arguments lately that frustated both of us. Its about our future, I wish to have our own house so that we can have our privacy, raise our child together. But the reality is far from what I wish. We are going to live with his parents and 10 workers. Its really too crowded and I won't have privacy anymore. We've talked about this before and he said he understand me, but he asks me to give him time to buy a new house when his parents retire from the business. But I don't think he made so much effort for this. I mean I know he's working hard to gain more money but he's not successful and have low pay job but he doesn't seem to discuss about this with his parent.Another issue is about our differences. There's so many different opinion, view and lifestyle. I really depressed because of this. We argue a lot that I'm so tired and don't have that passion in life anymore. I know I've ruined our relationship and I don't know its because I'm depressed I think the way like this but I think his love for me is less than once we knew each other. We seldom see each other about twice a week, he said he's busy, but yes we contact each other by text everyday. I think he's not comfortable with me anymore. I can't give him happiness like once. Maybe I'm the one who made mistakes here, I nag and shallow sometimes. I always want the best for him as I often complaint or told him to act like this or that. Like, walking straight, breathing right as he use his mouth more rather than his nose etc. I know I'm wrong here but I don't know why I do this. I worry much and It ruined everything. He's not so intelligent that he doesn't understand about depression while I told him about my condition and he just told me to stop overthinking. But lately he entertained me trying to make me happy and ask me to stop taking any anti depressan anymore. I can't imagine my life without him. He's sweet and caring to me. I wish if there's anything I can do to change this? Please don't tell me to leave him. I wish we can still be together and happy.
View related questions:
depressed, money, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 I won't tell you to leave him, because you would not listen anyway, but I'll tell you please not to marry him right now. Postpone the wedding until you are clearer about the living situation, how and when it could be improved etc.
Realistically, not like " maybe some day ".
Do you really think that living in cramped quarters with 10 labourers , and no privacy would work wonders for your depression,.. or for mending your rocky relationship ?!
You also have to decide once for all how important it is to you to have your own place, just the two of you, when your future husband finds instead acceptable, or in fact desirable, living the traditional way in his parents' home and just bringing his bride into it.
I've got the feeling that he is just telling you what you want to hear, just to keep you quiet and happy. But, what does it mean that you'll get your own house when his parents retire ? he's 25, for all we know his parents may be just 45 or 50- young too, and if they are business owners they are not obliged to retire, you could look at another 20, 25 years or more of cohabitation ! Plus, if he is working for the family business, and just getting from it a low salary that won't even allow you to live on your own... well, when this is going to change unless he goes after some better paid position in a different company or a totally different line of work ?
Your bf says he understands you, but he seems not to understand that to make things happen- you've got to do stuff, the things you want won't just fall in your plate somehow , some day. From what you say he does not sound very committed to make this effort, because that's YOUR dream, not his.
I think that if you nag him, it is because you are angry at yourself , not at him. It's not really his posture or his breathing that bother you and make you upset, it's the knowledge that you have betrayed yourself and got stuck into a lifestyle that does not belong to you and that you could perhaps adjust to, but never really be happy with.
They say that depression is rage turned inwards, toward the self- and this would seem to fit your case ... I think you are having even more doubts than you are admitting to us- or to yourself. Again, if you can't envision leaving him, then don't- but , what's the rush ? At least delay the wedding until you know more precisely how long you'd be supposed to grin and bear- 2 years ? 5 years ? 20 years.. It DOES make a difference I guess...
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 Hello,
Mark here from the UK, not sure where you are from as I don't recognise the flag. Anyway, here's the issue as I see it...
You are both 25. You have been together five years. (how am i doing so far?) In that time you have both matured, changed, developed, gained a lot of life experience (good and bad) and gone from being teenagers, or barely out of your teens, to being almost full blown adults. You are now at the age where you are no longer planning your future, but starting to live the reality of it. Several years of adult life have shaped who you both are and your needs, desires, plans and dreams.
It sounds like the two of you have matured at different rates, become less close emotionally and no longer see your futures in the same way. It is so, so common in couples your age who have been together since very early adulthood/teenagers. Life experience throughout the first half of our twenties changes us so much that a partner that is so right for us at 22 can be completely wrong for us at 25. The changes in most of use in the first half of our twenties is profound and not always results in couples being compatible.
He may have been right for you a while back, but that has now changed. He is distant, making less effort and is not on the same page as you in terms of long term plans and aspirations. Where once you had so much in common, now there is differences of opinion, where you once had hoped he would become the man you wanted him to be, now you know you are nagging him to become something he isnt.
I really think talking about Marriage is crazy right now. You are drifting apart, want very different things (which means one or both of you will be disappointed), he doesn't understand you or your feelings and you are clearly trying to force him to be someone he will never be. Marriage is not something to repair a broken relationship, it is to cement a great one. Marrying him in the hope he will change, or bring you close together again is not a good option.
You cant imagine life without him as you only know adult life with him. You have yet to experience other adult relationships or discovered yourself. Most of us do not settle down with our first long term adult partner for the reasons I have already described. Im sorry but I don't think you two are compatible any longer.
Mark
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (4 June 2014):
 It sounds like you're trying to mold him into the type of man that you want him to be. The problem is that he is not that man. If you cannot accept him for who he is and what he has to offer, then your relationship will not work. Please don't force yourself to change for him either. You will not be happy either way. You've got to be honest with yourself. Are you holding on to this relationship because you are afraid to be alone? I don't see very much compatibility from what you described. Bottom line is that he is not the kind of man you want him to be. You can beat a dead horse all you want, but it's still dead.
...............................
|
