A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This is a bit of a different question as i am coming from the friend prospective rather then the spouse, and I really could do with some input. I have a really close friend who i have known for a long time (a man). Like many friends we can talk openly with one another and generally help one another out with the greatest support. However we have recently fallen apart and been fighting because of his problems with his wife. She is basically having an affaire with another man (or at least in my opinion it seems that way). Even though we are open and can talk to one another about almost anything, he never normally tells me anything about this subject as he knows what i will say, normally the truth. But lately they really did have a big bust up because he had found messages from her to this other guy and he did finally tell me what the issue was. When i told my friend what i thought he said that he didn’t think that there was any cheating on his wifes part. That had made me pretty angry with him because to me as a women its obvious and he just can’t see that he is being taken advantage of. This issue with his wife and this other guy has been going on for years and i can tell when the situation has risen again when he becomes moody and distant. He is now fighting with me and we are no longer speaking but he seems to have forgiven his cheating wife (again). On one hand i am angry that we are fighting when i have been the one there to support him but I am very worried and concerned for him as well. Is there anything i can do?
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female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Love is truly blind! Trust me on this one! Your friend truly loves his wife and he is truly blind to the truth of what she's been up to. My husband was in a relationship like this (before he was with me of course) the woman was such a user, she lied, she cheated on him, she stole money, took valuable things his parents gave him, she tried to bring him up on false charges and while he was sitting in jail she loaded up a Uhaul and took everything that wasn't nailed down and split town. I was the one who helped him get through this horrible mess and you'd think he would have burned every photo, every shred of her remains, but no he was trying to figure out how to win her back! (Kinda makes you wanna puke, don't it?) He was in love with her, or rather he was in love with who he thought she was; what he thought she could have been therefore he was blind to who she really was. All his friends tried to warn him. It did no good. He turned a blind eye to all the glaring signs; the three kids all from different Dads the fact that she lived out of her car, drank too much, smoked too much, did drugs, slept around with questionable men. And I was the person who came along and had to clean up the aftermath. I had to drag him out of a deep depression where he wanted to kill himself. And even though he was financially distraught trying to clear his name, he would send her emails telling her he loved her and wanted her back. So yeah love is totally blind. Luckily my husband had someone who stuck by him and kept him from going down that path. I felt at times I had to be the guardian, destroying reminders I'd come across; an occasional piece of mail, a card or letter from a friend of his ex; I had to stand guard so he wouldn't start chasing after her ghost. It was exhausting but paid off in the long run.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did let him talk and he wanted to talk. But in his mind an Emotional Affair is forgivable. I just informed him that it’s not when she constantly talks on the phone to this other guy in front of his face and leaves love letters lying around the house for him and his kids to see. The reason I spoke my mind is because she takes him for a complete fool and he just continues as normal and continues to get hurt constantly. I agree I was a little too hard on him but this constantly happens with no lessons learnt. But I already told him that I no longer want to know about the topic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): You have absolutely no reason to be angry with your friend. It's none of your business what his wife is doing and it's not for you to sort out either.
I learned a long time ago you never come up against a person's spouse nor their partner or children.
You're not supporting him OP, you're trying to force your opinion on him, you're trying to tell him what to do and how he should feel, that's wrong of you even if your intentions are good. We can only open up to our friends about how we feel but that's it. You've been actively accusing this woman and putting her down, to her husband, that's idiotic OP.
"he never normally tells me anything about this subject as he knows what i will say, normally the truth."
The truth as you see it OP, the "truth" with only circumstantial evidence and that's not the reason he doesn't talk to you about it. He doesn't talk to you because you have nothing good to say, you're being sanctimonious and patronizing. The truth? Really? Well aren't you smart?
OP that's not support, how is alienating your friend and causing fights with him over this supporting him?
You need to change your tactics. You need to stop bad mouthing his wife, you need to stop shoving this crap in his face and just let him talk about it without offering him your "truth". You're not helping, you're just pushing him away. Just let this play itself out. If he asks what to do in a specific situation give an opinion but you seriously need to back off and just let him talk, listen to him and just be there for him. But no more of this "truth" telling stuff OP. Even if you know for a fact he's being a complete idiot, sometimes we have let our friends make their own mistakes and just help them pick up the pieces.
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